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Blood (Sawyer, Sayid, Jack, Boone)- R

Title: Blood
Pairing: Various implied pairings of Sawyer, Sayid, Jack and Boone
Rating: R
Summary: He keeps feeling the blood on his hands.
Note: An S1 ficlet with Sayid for zelda_zee. Many thanks to foxxcub and themoononastick for looking this over. Claiming for fanfic100 prompt "Earth" and tarot21 prompt "Judgement."



"Whose blood is that?" Boone's question echoes in Sayid's ears as he runs hard for the clearing, Jack's medical bag in hand. Whose blood is that?

Sawyer's blood is soaking into the jungle floor with each beat of his heart. Sayid counts off each footfall, trying to outrun his own heartbeat so that he may outrun death.

---

Jack keeps feeling the blood on his hands. Reliving the panic of that hot spurt, that first arterial spray.

Sawyer's jaw is clenched tight, his hands digging into the dirt. He's fighting for life, even as he begs Jack to let him die. Jack can't breathe when he looks into his eyes, so he focuses on the wound. Blood is blood. He can fix this. He has to. He's holding a man's life in his hands. It doesn't matter who he is. When Sawyer's eyelids droop, when his body goes limp, Jack finally draws breath.

Sawyer is the one lying on the ground but it's Jack who has fallen.

----

Boone lies awake, listening to Shannon wheezing. She doesn't sound as bad as before, but her breath is still labored, even in sleep. He listens closely, waiting for a change, a dip for the worse.

He can still feel the sting of Sawyer's fists and the balm of Jack's hands. He remembers the blind rage in Sawyer's eyes and the worry in Jack's.

He keeps seeing Sayid's shirt, splattered with blood. "It's only fair," he thinks, but he knows it wasn't done for him. It was done for Shannon.

Boone bled. Sawyer bled. Shannon nearly died, and then, so did Sawyer. He tries to work out the equation in his head. Unbelievably, it tips toward Sawyer. There was just too much blood.

He didn't realize how much until he saw the guilt in Sayid's eyes when he went to thank him.

Sayid just kept adding items to his pack, his head down. It was only when Boone saw Sayid's face that he faltered. All the satisfaction Boone felt on knowing that it was Sawyer's turn to bleed for once ebbed to nothing.

He watched Sayid hoist the pack onto his shoulder, watched him walk towards the beach and then, chastened, although Sayid didn't say a word, he went back to Shannon's side

----

His arm aches but it's more than his arm. It's knowing that everyone on this godforsaken scrap of land hates him. He should smile at his accomplishment, at a job well done, because he set this all in motion from the second he stepped one shaky foot out of that twisted wreckage.

They all want him dead and that is the only thing he'll ever see eye to eye with them on. He shrugs his shoulders, feeling their eyes on him like a weight. He walks toward the shore and he thinks maybe he should just keep walking.

Instead, he finds himself under a palm tree, lighter in hand, letter in the other. It doesn't matter if he burns it. He knows it by heart. The wind catches the flame; it licks at the paper. He flicks the lighter shut, hand shaking.

When he looks up, he sees Jack watching him. He toughens up his gaze, stares Jack down.

Jack's eyes are guarded, wary. He looks like he did in that grove -- pained, uncertain. Like a man who has stepped outside himself and doesn't know how to go back. He holds Sawyer's stare and, for a second, there's a flicker of shared pain there.

Sawyer drops his head, hair shielding his face, and when he looks back up, Jack is gone.

----

He's torn between that cocksure grin, the one masking pure hate, and those damaged fingers, wrapped around the straight razor.

Sayid is weak, too weak to defend himself, so when Sawyer grabs his throat and holds the naked razor up against it, he has no choice but to use the tactic he used to escape the French woman.

He reaches for Sawyer, takes him in hand and finds him already half-hard.

Sawyer's pupils dilate and he swallows hard, but he doesn't make a move, doesn't tell Sayid to stop. His eyelids flutter shut and then he drops his hand with the razor. He covers Sayid's hand with his own. "Don't," is all he says. When he opens his eyes, it's compassion, not disgust Sayid thinks he sees there.

Sawyer gets to his feet and drops the razor back on the cart with a clatter as he leaves the cave.

Slowly, slowly, Sayid's heartbeat returns to normal.

----

He can still smell the blood; he's assaulted by the salty tang of it on each ocean breeze. It's in his own come, splattering his fist as he groans alone on the dirt of the jungle floor.

Comments

( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
pellamerethiel
Aug. 6th, 2006 07:34 am (UTC)
So perfect, so full of angst. I've always wanted to read such fic about 1x8 and what happened after and I really, really enjoyed Your fic. I'm feeling sorry for all of them, especially Sawyer and Sayid, but Jack too.
Like a man who has stepped outside himself and doesn't know how to go back.
Fantastic sentence.
halfdutch
Aug. 7th, 2006 12:23 am (UTC)
Confidence Man is the episode that really, really hooked me into Lost. It's what got me started writing fanfic. (But back then I was all about the Skate!) Being a diehard Sawyer fangirl, it took me a really long time to forgive Jack and Sayid but I've been wanting to go back and explore that episode and its aftermath from a different perspective for a while. I've written some Jack/Sawyer fics addressing that, but nothing with Sayid.

Oh, thank you for singling out that sentence. It was such a pivotal episode, especially for Jack's trying to decide between being a leader and a doctor.

And this is getting long! Anyway, thank you for reading!
zelda_zee
Aug. 6th, 2006 09:09 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you so much! I love this, just love it. I'm fascinated by the ramifications of that ep, I think maybe it drives my fic and informs my understanding of those three characters more than any other. And so to see what you've done w/it here, and with Boone added in as well, is really wonderful.

And that last bit, the encounter between Sayid and Sawyer, so dark and twisted and angsty and complicated.

This fic is short, but I can't believe how much you managed to convey in it - the perspectives of four characters all coming through so clearly. If my request inspired this, I am both glad and grateful.
halfdutch
Aug. 7th, 2006 12:31 am (UTC)
Yay, I'm so glad you liked this! ;-)

I keep coming back to Confidence Man, myself. Partly because it was them trying to make their own rules for someone who had gone beyond the pale and that fascinates me so much. I'm sorry they backed off the darkness of trying to set up some sort of "island justice" in subsequent episodes because with everything that's gone on, it all seems to get swept under the rug. (OT rambling...!) I just love the idea of them creating a new society but with all the new characters, that focus seems to keep shifting, alas.

And I'm also fascinated by it because of the intersection of the three of them and all their demons. I was going to try to get some porn going here but I think I liked it best that it's all just a possibility, that there are these lines of attraction and guilt and fear and admiration or a kind of mutual recognition going on between those four.

I had a heads-up that you'd be requesting some Sayid so my mind went here! ;) And now I realize that whenever I've written Sayid rather prominently in a fic (apart from, say, a crack!fic), it always ends up grim, grim, grim! Because the other idea I've been nursing ... much, much darker!

astra2104
Aug. 6th, 2006 01:26 pm (UTC)
This is..wow. I mean, really, really good. There are so many different layers and connections criss-crossing here, it's like the fic equivalent of the Rohrschach ink blot test, a bit different for whoever reads it.
Fascinating.
And how perfect is this sentence: Sawyer is the one lying on the ground but it's Jack who has fallen.
So, yeah, wow.
halfdutch
Aug. 7th, 2006 12:34 am (UTC)
Wow, thank you! I liked the idea of just visiting each briefly, a snapshot of their complicated feelings after what happened. I can never, ever tire of exploring the ramifications of Confidence Man!

Thank you so much for this fb! ;)
foxxcub
Aug. 6th, 2006 10:06 pm (UTC)
I know this *quite* gen, per say, but still, you do these little character sketches SO well.

*applauds*
halfdutch
Aug. 7th, 2006 12:35 am (UTC)
*purrs*

Thank you so much, hon! ^___^ That means a lot to me!
jenthegypsy
Aug. 7th, 2006 02:14 am (UTC)
Two points of brilliant writing in a ficlet of overall excellence have already been singled out by others, but what the hell, here they are again anyway, because each is so well crafted a sentence that they deserve additional recognition:

Sawyer is the one lying on the ground but it's Jack who has fallen.
He looks like he did in that grove -- pained, uncertain. Like a man who has stepped outside himself and doesn't know how to go back.

Oh, and this, which imparts such insight into Sawyer's internal struggle:

Sawyer's jaw is clenched tight, his hands digging into the dirt. He's fighting for life, even as he begs Jack to let him die.

One of my favorite episodes, as well. The Sawyer-centrics are always so layered - so fascinating.
halfdutch
Aug. 7th, 2006 04:23 am (UTC)
Oh thank you so much! (And I love your icon so -- I had that exact one in rotation for a really long time!)

I love the Sawyer episodes so very much. Dark and disturbing and seeing all the fear and uncertainty under Sawyer's mask always kills me. No matter what else they do with Lost, those will always be the high points for me.

I think we can keep debating whether Sawyer really did want to die. Part of me thinks he wishes his dad had shot him too, that night and that one of his demons is survivor's guilt.

Thanks for reading!
haldoor
Aug. 7th, 2006 06:00 am (UTC)
Wow. Just wow. You guys all take your viewing so seriously, but the depth of emotion you find there just amazes me. Everyone always gets here and picks out all the best phrases before me, so i Iwon't quote them again, but they work. They work so well. I doubt I will ever realise the layers as you do so perfectly, but I see them more easily now you've pointed them out! (oops, am I too much of a fangirl or what?) Thanks!
halfdutch
Aug. 7th, 2006 09:46 pm (UTC)
That's me, deep thinker! LOL. I do like to meditate on those connections or scenes we don't always see between characters but that might (or should!) be there.

Thanks! Glad you liked this.
workswithwords
Aug. 8th, 2006 01:55 am (UTC)
Amazing! I love the angst! A great way to start off the tarot21 challenge! I can't wait to read more!

:smooches:
halfdutch
Aug. 10th, 2006 07:10 am (UTC)
Thank you! ;) Happy to kickstart the challenge!
alliecat8
Aug. 8th, 2006 04:11 am (UTC)
Yes, I'm still playing late catch-up. Forgive me?

Confidence Man was the ep that cemented my devotion to Lost, and that scene was so complicated and multi-layered that I don't think we'll ever explore it as thoroughly as possible. That's great for us fic writers, because we can return to it again and again and never cover all the potential scenarios. I loved this one -- you said so much without actually spelling it out. So much insight -- mixed-up guilt and violence and lust, all accompanied by the characters' self-analysis. You know it's that last part I love most, right? :)

Like you, it took me a long time to forgive Jack and Sayid, though I found it easier to forgive Sayid because he wasn't betraying his upbringing the way that Jack was. And even so, it seemed that Sayid took more responsibility for his actions and felt more guilt than Jack did. I've always wondered if Jack just went into a bit of denial, or if he really does have a sadistic thread running through his psyche. Maybe they'll explore that further in S3.

Okay, that got long and rambly. ;) In a nutshell, I loved the fic! ♥
halfdutch
Aug. 10th, 2006 07:14 am (UTC)
Nothing to forgive. ;) There's been such a fic explosion, I think we'll all be catching up for a long time.

Confidence Man is the episode that got me started writing fanfic -- not just for Lost, but ever! So it'll always be special to me. I also love the way it showed them crossing that line of being civilized to a kind of frontier justice. I wish they'd let the show get this dark again. (Although CM did also give us the dreaded PB scene!)

I really wish Jack had shown more remorse. I tuned into Lost for Matthew Fox, initially, but Sawyer quickly won me over and the Skate drew me in, so my Jack!love got really subsumed for a long time. So it's very interesting for me to go back and reexamine those interactions from a different (and much slasier!) perspective.

Thanks for taking the time to catch up! *loves*
halfdutch
Aug. 10th, 2006 07:14 am (UTC)
Oops, I wanted to use this icon!
gottalovev
Aug. 8th, 2006 01:21 pm (UTC)
oh, back to basics... and it never gets old. you do angst so well, this was an exceptional piece. I admire saying that much, in so many levels, with beautiful imagery and not spelling it out extensively for us.

I knew I'd love it, but those first lines were a damn fine hook
Sawyer's blood is soaking into the jungle floor with each beat of his heart. Sayid counts off each footfall, trying to outrun his own heartbeat so that he may outrun death.

great, just great ♥
halfdutch
Aug. 10th, 2006 07:22 am (UTC)
Aww, thank you for the kind words! I think CM will always be my favorite episode (with the other Sawyer eps and Exodus, Part I vying for second place.) I agree, it never gets old.

hkath
Aug. 9th, 2006 10:59 am (UTC)
I'm always happy to revisit this episode, and this was so dark and tangled. Loved it. :)
halfdutch
Aug. 10th, 2006 07:27 am (UTC)
Aww, thank you! Confidence Man is still my favorite episode and it just continues to resonate.

(Although I've mislabeled the spoiler warning, since Sawyer and Sayid don't have their confrontation until "All the Best Cowboys..." oops!)
themoononastick
Aug. 16th, 2006 11:57 pm (UTC)
This is sooooo good, I really do love it - you've captured each of them so well and the way each section weaves into the others is stunning. I love the effect that each of them has on the other, the tangle of emotions and guilt that was never really dealt with properly on the show but that you've encapsulated perfectly. Brilliantly written, wonderful.
halfdutch
Aug. 23rd, 2006 02:19 am (UTC)
*bows*

Thank you for all these lovely sentiments, and of course for the beta! It felt a bit experimental, so I'm glad you think it works! I wanted to go back and write a CM fic, as it's the ep that got me into the fandom, now my perspective on fic has changed so much.

*loves*

<3333
crowgirl13
Aug. 17th, 2006 09:25 pm (UTC)
I have to add to the chorus of 'Wow's.

Wow.

This is vivid and beautiful. Yeah, I know the situation is anything but...yet you manage to capture such a complex emotional gorgon's knot in a piece both lyrical and concise. There's so much action here...all wound up with guilt and pain.

In short...just wow.
halfdutch
Aug. 23rd, 2006 02:24 am (UTC)
Thank you! It took me ages to forgive Sayid and Jack, although I do think they were both very affected by what they did and they lines they crossed. Although the show had other matters to deal with, I think something as complicated and messy as this would resonate for a very long time.

Thank you for reading!
eponine119
Aug. 18th, 2006 03:27 am (UTC)
How'd I miss this?

Sawyer is the one lying on the ground but it's Jack who has fallen.

This story is packed with wonderful lines like this one. The whole thing is just fantastic. I like the section with Sawyer the most, the idea that he didn't burn the letter because Jack was watching him. Love that.
halfdutch
Aug. 23rd, 2006 02:27 am (UTC)
Thank you! ;)

I can't revisit this episode enough, frankly. I think it will always be one of my favorites, if not my absolute favorite. And now that I'm more sympathetic to Jack and Sayid then I was when it aired, it seemed worth revisiting in fic.

I would have loved to see more Jack/Sawyer interaction after that, so if we have to write it ourselves, so be it!

( 27 comments — Leave a comment )

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