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Title: Five Memories Sawyer Wishes He Didn’t Have
Pairings: Faint Sawyer/Cassidy, Sawyer/Kate
Rating: PG
Note: For foxxcub, who gave me this prompt to get me writing again. It's not pr0n and it wasn't on my to-do list, but hey, it's a fic. *mwaaah!*



1. The first woman he whispered those words to, she believed him.

She was just a few years older than he was. She still chewed gum and wore flip-flips and twirled her hair around her index finger when she talked on the phone. But mostly, she was soft and pretty, with dark hair in ringlets around her face and wide green eyes that lit up whenever he smiled at her. He knew, from the breathy way she kissed him, that she’d never kissed her husband like that.

It was too easy, lying with her afterwards, lying to her. He was good at this. He was born to do this, he told himself later, in her bathroom mirror, hands braced on the counter. He could almost see his stomach twist. He’d always been a little spooked by mirrors, never sure as a kid that it wasn’t someone else looking back at him. Today, it was.

---


2. He thought, for once, he’d done the right thing. Thought he was being fuckin’ useful. Since she turned over the gun quick enough, he thought she thought so too.

He held the muzzle of the gun to the man's chest and his hand didn’t even shake. Not when the poor bastard was staring at him, begging him to do it. He closed his eyes and squeezed, and it was done. The shot was louder than he thought it would be; the kick of the gun made his palm sting.

He didn’t know what he expected when he walked out of the the tent. Maybe just a nod, a little acknowledgement that he’d done what none of them could.

And then came the sick, sucking sound of the marshall’s breathing, as he gasped in air through the hole Sawyer had put in his chest. No one ever died right off. He should have known that by now.

---


3. Everything is just a number. Three drinks to get that one in bed, five days until this deal closes, eight hours’ drive until he feels safe, a fresh bundle of money that adds up to hundreds or thousands, how many years he’ll get if he’s ever caught.

A few seconds shouldn’t make any difference. But he sits and counts them off, like they’re the last seconds he’s got left to breathe.

---


4. His nightmares are the sound of heavy boots on a wooden floor, a bed creaking, bracketed by a scream, and two deafening gunshots. The silence presses on him, like a hand over his mouth, telling him not to scream, not to make a sound. He wakes, covered in sweat, heart racing. He gulps in air like it was water and wishes he could forget he ever heard that man’s name.

---


5. Eventually, his fingers stop hurting, the bamboo becomes a memory. The gash on his scalp heals. He almost manages to wash the blood out of the T-shirt. Even his arm is better. But he can’t forget the way she looked at him, or the way she tasted. The moment, just before she kissed him, she trembled.

Torture, he can take. Pain like that fades.

Comments

( 34 comments — Leave a comment )
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corellianjedi
Sep. 7th, 2006 03:43 am (UTC)
Wooooooooow, I really really like that. I mean really.
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:18 am (UTC)
Oh wow, thank you! ;)
quiet_rebel
Sep. 7th, 2006 03:52 am (UTC)
Oh! That last line in the #5 broke my heart!

Great stuff!
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:19 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you. It was good to write Skate again! ;)
foxxcub
Sep. 7th, 2006 04:06 am (UTC)
Yay, it turned out so lovely. ♥

(I'm off to bed and a shower! *loves upon*)
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:20 am (UTC)
*hugs*

Mmm, I love that Sawyer icon!

Thanks again for the prompt and the beta!

<333
inthekeyofd
Sep. 7th, 2006 04:47 am (UTC)
Before I went to sleep I wanted to read this..and I'm glad I did because you hit three of my top Sawyer scenes..one, I'm still pissed about the Sayid torture sure he could have just told them, but still that was when if the sun didn't come out he was blamed for it, then comes poor James under that bed and the Marshall, when he thought he was doing the right thing, he was doing a favor for everyone, Kate so he wouldn't talk, the Marshall by putting him out of his misery..damn, you're too good!!!
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:22 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you, love!

It was good to go back to S1 and some of my favorite Sawyer moments too. I guess you always run the chance of revisiting the same thing too many times, so I'm glad it didn't seem like you'd read it all before!

*hugs*
eponine119
Sep. 7th, 2006 05:05 am (UTC)
Oooh. This was really good. So much told in so few words.

He’d always been a little spooked by mirrors, never sure as a kid that it wasn’t someone else looking back at him.

That, in particular, rings true.
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:24 am (UTC)
Thank you! I definitely felt that way as a kid, when I had to go into the bathroom at night and I didn't want to look in the mirror. Silly, but I think there's some primitive in all of us. ;)
thelana
Sep. 7th, 2006 11:15 am (UTC)
Darn, reminds me of all the cool scenes that happened in season 1. Especially loved 4&5.
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:28 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm so glad you liked them. I think those are my favorite too. ;)
gottalovev
Sep. 7th, 2006 12:28 pm (UTC)
oh, I love them all ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I started quoting something from each and realized it was the 1-2 last sentences for every number. proof that you have good punch lines! ;)

my favorite is the 5th though. *sigh*
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:30 am (UTC)
Thank you! ;) That's so lovely of you to say. I wasn't sure which one to leave as the last one, so I'm glad that one is your favorite!
(Deleted comment)
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:31 am (UTC)
Thank you! ;) It was nice just to write something since I've kind of stuck lately!
ex_unconfess127
Sep. 7th, 2006 03:46 pm (UTC)
Oh wow, this was good, I mean really really good.
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:32 am (UTC)
Thank you, m'dear! ;)
hkath
Sep. 7th, 2006 05:36 pm (UTC)
Fabulous. I love this meme, the stories feel so old school and *solid*. Can't explain it. Great job with this one. :)
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:33 am (UTC)
Thank you! It was kind of old school for me: Season one! Skate! ;) I'm pleased you liked!
deej240z
Sep. 7th, 2006 10:38 pm (UTC)
Yea! New fic! And I loved it. The last line says it all. Excellent!
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:35 am (UTC)
Merci! I'm glad you liked it. It's nice to hear I went out strong! ;)
alliecat8
Sep. 7th, 2006 10:47 pm (UTC)
Megan stole the quote I was going to use, but I'm gonna use it anyway! never sure as a kid that it wasn’t someone else looking back at him. Today, it was. That was my favorite line. My favorite fics have always been the ones that get inside Sawyer's head, and I love how you do it. The last couple of lines are really powerful, too. Great job!
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:37 am (UTC)
Thank you, love! ;) *kisses* As I was saying to Megan, mirrors kind of spooked me as a kid, so I figured that might be true for Sawyer as well.
cmonkatiekatie
Sep. 8th, 2006 06:51 am (UTC)
Oooh, I like this. What a great way to get the creative juices flowing. I'm terribly impressed by your ability to create a really dark tone with so few words and just little bits that make Sawyer who he is. Very nice.
halfdutch
Sep. 8th, 2006 11:43 pm (UTC)
*blushes and loves* Thank you! I have been kind of stuck on other fics because they usually end up so long and involved, so it was nice to write something short! And it was nice to go back to some of my favorite Sawyer moments.
cynthia_arrow
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:49 pm (UTC)
Really well done. I especially liked the first one and the last. And it was good to see someone return to the moment Sawyer tried to put the Marshall out of his misery; it's a moment that doesn't get explored much in fic.
halfdutch
Sep. 9th, 2006 12:00 am (UTC)
Thank you! I guess I didn't realize the Marshall scene hasn't been done that much! And I'm glad that revisiting some of the other scenes didn't feel too familiar. ;)
themoononastick
Sep. 8th, 2006 10:23 pm (UTC)
Brilliant, just brilliant. I especially like #2 - not something that is often dealt with in fic but you've done it here in such an insightful way, pretty much perfect in fact.

And the final line is wonderful.
halfdutch
Sep. 9th, 2006 12:02 am (UTC)
*glomps*

Thank you! So happy to hear that it came off well. I love this exercise! ;)

(And I always love seeing everyone's favorite Sawyer icons. That one is a honey!)
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