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World in My Eyes (Sawyer/Sayid) NC-17

Title: World in My Eyes
Pairing: Sawyer/Sayid
Rating: NC-17
Note: Written for the "write something you've never written" and "kissing" prompts at lostsquee. And OMG, I have no idea if this dynamic really works, but I'm dedicating this to demonqueen666 because about two years ago I promised her I'd write S/Sd for her birthday and I never did. And to zelda_zee for organizing Lost Riffs and helping me get a lot of my Lost enthusiasm back. YAY! I hope I didn't abuse your boys too badly! Enormous thanks to themoononastick for betaing.



Sawyer’s light blonde hair fans out around his head in a golden halo like some gorgeous, debauched, blue-eyed saint.

The halo shakes, shimmering with each slow drag of Sayid’s body in and out. It’s the only proof Sayid has that his movements are affecting Sawyer. Every time Sayid’s been inside him, Sawyer lies nearly motionless beneath him, his body absorbing each thrust like a blow, one he can’t let himself feel.

Those clear blue eyes are not focused on Sayid, but off to the side on some imaginary point. And when Sayid starts to wonder what Sawyer is imagining instead of him, he knows he is lost. What started out as simply fucking Sawyer is not enough now. Fucking Sawyer is not having him.

There’s irony in the fact that Sawyer won’t look at him during sex. It leaves Sayid free to stare unashamedly, memorizing the curves of a mouth he’s never kissed. He can savor the slow build of arousal and the flush that spreads across Sawyer’s fair skin like his own private pornographic film he can replay later.

Sawyer will let Sayid fuck him, but he won’t let Sayid touch his cock and he doesn’t reach for it himself until nearly the last moment. He waits, fisting Sayid’s blanket, as if touching himself, bringing himself to arousal, is cheating. He has to get hard from Sayid fucking him and only then does he take his cock in his left hand with the firm, familiar grip he must use when he’s alone. Only then do his eyes close and only then does he make any sound, a helpless moan of surrender.

Tonight, Sawyer is hard but he hasn’t yet given in. His hands still clenched in the blankets, his expression is somewhere between transfigurement and agony, staring, as always, past Sayid as if he’s seeing and experiencing something Sayid wouldn’t begin to understand.

Sawyer’s jaw clenches and that tiny tell forces Sayid to still. He thought he was the one suffering, that Sawyer’s stoicism is masking emotion. Not pain.

“Am I hurting you?” he asks gently, holding his breath for the answer.

Sawyer looks at him in surprise, his blank stare giving way to a frown. “Which answer is gonna make you keep goin’?”

He’s going soft already, concern overriding arousal and when he slips out, Sawyer snorts in disgust and rolls away from him. He reaches for his pants, but Sayid grabs his wrist.

He can’t help himself. He reaches out, letting his fingers brush Sawyer’s cheek. “You think I would enjoy hurting you?”

Sawyer turns his face away, eyes focusing again on the distant point. "Don’t make any diff’rence to me."

And Sayid realizes just what this has all been about. Not pleasure. Not release. All Sawyer wants from him is punishment. This has been about penance. His image of Sawyer as a saint is even more apt than he realized.

“Then I am surprised you never asked me to hurt you.” Sayid’s eyes narrows. He’s angry now. It’s easier to be angry than to show Sawyer that he thinks this means something. “Isn’t that why you chose me for these midnight visits? Because I am a torturer?” Sayid spits out the word.

Sawyer shakes his head with a low laugh. “Thought you didn’t care why I was here, Abdul, just as long as I brought my ass with me.”

Sayid wants nothing more than to slap Sawyer, but that seems to be exactly the kind of thing Sawyer wants from him and he’ll be damned if he’s going to be used like that again. “I am not so ... indiscriminate.”

Sawyer isn’t listening to him anymore. He’s pulling on his jeans and searching for his shirt. The line of his back is so tense that if Sayid touches him, the way he wants to, he’s certain that Sawyer will respond with his fists.

“Just tell me, please. Did I hurt you?”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Sawyer snorts. “If I wanted you to get out the bamboo again, trust me, I would’ve asked.”

“So it doesn’t hurt?” Sayid is surprised to hear his own voice break.

“Why? You wanna try it?” Sawyer throws the answer out sarcastically, not even looking at Sayid. He’s still looking for his shirt.

Someone else seems to say the word.

“Yes.”

Sawyer stops and turns to look at Sayid, really look at him. His eyes take in not just Sayid’s face, but all of him, naked, sprawled on his side, his skin starting to warm simply from Sawyer’s gaze.

“Well, I’ll be damned.” A flicker of something that’s nearly a smile flashes across his face. “You want me to fuck you?”

“Yes,” Sayid says again. There’s that a spike of fear in his chest but he means it. The alternative is that Sawyer walks out of his tent and this thing between them will be over before it really began. But now, Sawyer is staring at him, a glint in his eye Sayid’s only seen there when someone doesn’t let Sawyer have his way. And he’s just now learning that Sawyer likes a challenge.

Sawyer crawls on all fours toward Sayid, eyes dark and intent on his target, and Sayid suppresses a shiver of anticipation. If he’d known that this was the way to capture Sawyer’s attention, he would have suggested it long ago.

Sawyer reaches for the lubricant. He hasn’t even touched him yet, but already Sayid’s breath is coming faster. And he’s aching. His cock literally jumps when Sawyer touches him and they both let out a breath at the same time.

Sawyer slowly, luxuriously runs his hand over Sayid’s cock, spreading the lubricant up and down his length, his gaze intent as he watches Sayid’s cock swell to hardness.

This is an entirely different creature than his distant saint. Sawyer is here for the first time and the thrill of knowing that takes away some of the anxiety about what he’s about to let Sawyer to do him.

Sawyer pushes gently against Sayid’s chest and Sayid dutifully lies back. He can see Sawyer is delighting in being the one in charge. But of course, he always was. It was Sawyer who first came to Sayid’s tent. He’d woken up to see Sawyer, naked and kneeling at his bedside, wordlessly offering himself to him. He hadn’t spoken then, afraid to chase Sawyer away, and he feels the same sense of caution now. Words are dangerous. And so they both say nothing as Sawyer runs a finger down Sayid’s thighs.

Sayid can see his own chest start to rise and fall more rapidly. Sawyer is either being tender or the biggest tease he’s ever met. He can’t help biting his lip when Sawyer’s finger slides up the line where his thigh joins his body, keeps moving until he’s tracing circles around his opening. Sawyer is still watching him, waiting for him to betray himself somehow in word or movement and Sayid vows -- like Sawyer, he realizes to his shock -- to keep still, to say nothing. But he can’t stop staring at Sawyer, can’t break this strange new connection between them. It would be easier if he could look away, if this were something he were merely going to endure. But this is something he wants to experience.

“Relax,” Sawyer says softly as his finger pushes inside. It’s an odd sensation, not exactly unpleasant to have something inside of him, but Sayid’s first instinct is to tell Sawyer to stop. Instead, he grips the blanket and nods for him to continue. “No,” Sawyer scolds him. “Hands flat.”

It’s simply not fair that Sawyer is denying Sayid this reaction, one he himself has, but he finds himself obeying. He stretches out his hands and then he feels the need to stretch his entire body, like a cat that's just woken. First he stretches his legs, and then he lets his arms fall behind his head and he can’t help but arch his pelvis up and just like that, he’s delivered himself to Sawyer.

Sawyer eases in another slick finger, watching Sayid keenly for his reaction. Sayid orders his body to relax as the first wave of arousal hits him. He’s letting go, letting this happen. His arms are still stretched overhead and he’s never felt more exposed in his life. His heart quickens as Sawyer slips his jeans off and rubs the lube over his stiffening cock. He’s never really thought about the size of it until now -- Sawyer seems to be growing by the second --- and he forces himself to breathe slowly.

Sawyer kneels before him, his engorged cock in his left hand. He presses the head against Sayid’s ass, pushing inside before Sayid can prepare himself. Except nothing can prepare him for this. Sawyer’s flesh is hot, insistent, spreading him open. It feels wrong. There’s nothing but pain and burning and he realizes his entire body is clenched, protesting this intrusion, except for his cock, which goes distressingly limp.

“Shhh,” Sawyer says, laying a warm palm on his abdomen soothingly. “Just wait.”

Sawyer isn’t even all the way inside, he knows, and he cries out when Sawyer starts to move. This isn’t what I wanted, he thinks, desperately. Sawyer pushes deeper and Sayid grips one wrist hard with the other, fingernails digging into the soft flesh. He understands now that this is penance and he’s going to take it, just as Sawyer does. It doesn’t occur to him to stroke his own cock into hardness, even though that is certainly what it will take for him to become erect. How Sawyer can be aroused just by this, he can’t fathom.

Sawyer’s eyes are closed now as he starts to move faster, finding his rhythm. He’s emitting soft, ecstatic grunts and Sayid wills himself to find his own pleasure in Sawyer’s.

But he’s wholly unprepared for the friction, the slide of each thrust warming his skin, heating him from the inside out, a growing circle of arousal that spreads across his loins, suddenly, inexplicably, transforming from pain to pleasure.

Of its own, his hand moves to his cock and the jolt he delivers with the touch of his own hand wrings a groan from him. Now he’s moving with Sawyer, urging him on, breathless. He grips Sawyer’s ass, goading him to go faster, drive into him harder.

Sawyer angles Sayid’s leg behind him, until he’s as deep as he can go. He can’t see Sawyer’s eyes behind that fringe of hair but by his ragged breath, he knows he’s close to coming and Sayid knows just how to bring him over the edge.

He wants to watch himself come, keep watching Sawyer’s cock slide in and out of him, but as he gives himself that last, hard pump, his eyes snap shut as his head jerks back. It feels like an electric current is running through him. White light explodes in his head and shoots out from every pore. He’s drenched with heat and sensation and he thinks he might just have turned inside out.

Words, a forbidden endearment, spill from Sayid’s lips but he’s safe; the words are Arabic. For all Sawyer knows, he’s swearing, blaspheming as Sawyer does when he comes.

Sawyer might not have heard him anyway. He’s lying, spent, on top of him, fair hair darkened with sweat and plastered to his face, lips curved in a satisfied smile. It’s with wonder that he realizes Sawyer came too and that he’s still inside him.

He feels wetness trickling out of himself and fears for a second that he’s bleeding. He frantically goes to check and half sits up, dislodging Sawyer, who protests at being disturbed. Sawyer’s softening cock slides out and he can see for himself, there’s no blood.

“I thought I was bleeding,” Sayid says apologetically. He regrets panicking. It felt very nice to lie there with Sawyer on top of him. Inside him.

“Well, I did pop your cherry,” Sawyer says with a that familiar smirk. “But it’s usually only the girls who bleed. Damn mother nature, huh?”

”Uh, indeed...” If it’s a joke, Sayid doesn’t feel like laughing. This is the part where Sawyer grabs his clothes and leaves without a goodbye and the illusion of this being anything more than a meaningless fuck disappears until the next time.

But Sawyer is still sitting there, regarding him with some interest. And then he leans in and brushes his lips over Sayid’s. He takes Sayid’s lower lip between his teeth and pulls gently. Their kiss is ridiculously chaste, after what they’ve just done, merely lips and closed mouths, but Sayid lets Sawyer lead here too. He doesn’t open his mouth until Sawyer’s runs his thumb over his jaw and then he takes him in, eager sigh and warm, wet tongue.

Sawyer moves his mouth to Sayid’s ear, taking one lobe between his teeth. "So?” he whispers. “Didn’t hurt too much, did it?”

“No,” Sayid admits. “Just at first.” He might be ruining the moment, but he has to ask. “Tell me, Sawyer. Why did you never look at me before this?”

Sawyer sits back, regarding him with those clear blue eyes that, for the first time, aren’t looking at something imaginary. “I’m looking at you now,” Sawyer says softly. But his eyes close when Sayid kisses him.

Comments

( 28 comments — Leave a comment )
vixerunt
Feb. 8th, 2007 01:16 am (UTC)
World in my Eyes is like one of my top three all time favorite Depeche Mode songs ;-) I'll have it stuck in my head all night now! Annnyway - love, love, love this. I'm glad this pairing is popping up more on my flist. Such an interesting dynamic between the two and you really captured it here. I wish I could c/p all the incredible lines and details you put into it, but not only would that take up a ton of space, it would take a lot of time and I'm setting up for a Lost viewing party! I did want to at least tell you how much I enjoyed this and that I've already put it into my favorite fics folder (And I'm hoping to come back to it after the premiere and read it again).

Great writing as always! I hope you enjoy the show tonight :)
halfdutch
Feb. 8th, 2007 01:29 am (UTC)
*replying again with a more appropriate icon*

You have to just love Depeche Mode! This snuck in as the title because I used it as my smut-writing soundtrack. Always inspirational in that regard!

And *whew.* First (and quite possibly last) time writing this pairing so to get a stamp of approval from a Sayid fan means a lot to me! (Apart from my beta, that is!) I've written Sayid before but never in a sexual way so this was a little nervewracking!

Thanks so much and enjoy the new ep! :)
gottalovev
Feb. 8th, 2007 01:32 am (UTC)
you really have a great dynamics going on here (even if a complicated one! but when is it easy for the boys, huh?)

I felt for Sayid at first, he is distressed of not knowing what to do with that non-responsive Sawyer. then they argue and the tables are turned and it's an all other ballgame.

I LOVED that moment:

Sawyer is still watching him, waiting for him to betray himself somehow in word or movement and Sayid vows -- like Sawyer, he realizes to his shock -- to keep still, to say nothing.

makes us wonder why Sawyer was so silent. was it not to break what ever he was getting from Sayid too?

I love that at last they connect, the sex was awesome, great descriptive from Sayid's POV. the kissing at the end is just so great.

thanks! loved it!
halfdutch
Feb. 8th, 2007 02:07 am (UTC)
Oh, it makes me so happy to hear that you liked this! :) Always risky, writing a new pairing! My take on it is that Sawyer thinks Sayid isn't interested in him, just that he's taking advantage of a warm body. And once he realizes Sayid is willing to turn the tables, as you say, that's not only exciting but it puts their relationship in a whole new light, one that's promising, for the first time. :)

Thanks for reading and for the love!
demonqueen666
Feb. 8th, 2007 02:15 am (UTC)
Yow baby! Better late than never, m'dear, and if the final product is any indication, I'd say this one needed to be aged to perfection. Because it's perfect.

I love the twisted give and take dynamic here; the way the one in control is never the one you'd expect. Or are they both in control? Or neither? Any version could be true.
halfdutch
Feb. 8th, 2007 03:08 am (UTC)
Awww, yay! :) I'm so glad I could finally deliver some S/Sd for you! This wasn't the original idea I had (I've tried to tackle these two a few times) but I'm glad this is the one that clicked if it's gotten this kind of reception!

I love the twisted give and take dynamic here; the way the one in control is never the one you'd expect. Or are they both in control? Or neither? Any version could be true.

*Cheshire grin* All I know is that Sayid feels like he isn't in control, even when it seems like he is. And giving up control -- or realizing you never had it -- is scary stuff. And also, sometimes, liberating.

Thanks for reading and approving, babe! :) *mwah*

halfdutch
Feb. 8th, 2007 03:10 am (UTC)
Oops, I don't know how that icon got in there, LOL! ;)
demonqueen666
Feb. 8th, 2007 05:38 am (UTC)
Makes you wish you could edit comments, huh?

And giving up control -- or realizing you never had it -- is scary stuff. And also, sometimes, liberating.

And that would be in a nutshell why I like m/m slash so much...because all those fascinating issues of control just seem to go hand in hand with the natural relationship/sexual dynamic.
Though of course I'm also here for the porn.
halfdutch
Feb. 9th, 2007 03:20 am (UTC)
all those fascinating issues of control just seem to go hand in hand with the natural relationship/sexual dynamic.

Agreed. We love our complicated, angsty boys.

Though of course I'm also here for the porn.

Hee! Better understanding of men through porn!

gobsmackit
Feb. 8th, 2007 04:40 am (UTC)
!!! Oh god, love love loved this. Such great, great, great psychological motivations for this pairing, and SO IN CHARACTER. Adored the “Which answer is gonna make you keep goin’?” an absolutely ridiculous amount.

Sorry if I sound stupid, but I'm not good with FB lately. Can't eloquently formulate thoughts about why I liked things.
halfdutch
Feb. 8th, 2007 04:54 am (UTC)
Really? Awww. That's KICKASS fb. *fawns all over you*
zelda_zee
Feb. 8th, 2007 08:17 am (UTC)
Oh wow. Wow. I can't believe you can write a pairing you're not even into this well. This is just so - them. Your characterization and the way you bring all their issues into it is just perfect. I love this kind of fic, where the sex is the vehicle through which we discover truths about the characters. There's so much going on here beside two hot guys fucking.

I loved how Sayid offering himself is the key, and he doesn't even realize it until after he's said it, and then Sawyer is suddenly present, once he realizes how things stand with Sayid.

There's so much raw emotion here, I just love it. Thank you for dedicating this wonderful fic to me. I couldn't be happier. ♥
halfdutch
Feb. 8th, 2007 08:30 am (UTC)
Oh, *whew!* I'm thrilled you liked this. I was afraid it was going come off as simplistically as "Sawyer should always be on top!" To hear that this worked and was in character -- and that you summed up exactly what I was trying to convey -- makes me enormously happy!

And I do like this pairing, it's just been really hard for me to grasp a workable dynamic for them, enough to try writing them. True, it's not the pairing that's closest to my heart. But, the combination of pretty and angst? Oh yeah! :)

YAY! Thanks again for the Riffs and for pushing us all to try new stuff!

philomel
Feb. 8th, 2007 09:00 am (UTC)
I like the discomfort of this, the awkwardness between them, which renders it all the more real. Really nice. :)
halfdutch
Feb. 8th, 2007 04:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you, m'dear! :) *beams*
speedcat93
Feb. 9th, 2007 12:06 pm (UTC)
Hi! found this via zelda_zee's lj and WOW, that is beyond hot! I like this pairing and you got their voices so well. My fav. line (even if I could almost quote the whole fic...) is "This is an entirely different creature than his distant saint. Sawyer is here for the first time and the thrill of knowing that takes away some of the anxiety about what he’s about to let Sawyer to do him.". That's quite funny reading the words "saint" and "Sawyer" in the same sentence, but it makes sense given the circumstances. Thanks that was great! Mind if I friend you? (don't remember if I have already asked, if so, sorry I have a tiny weeny brain :D )
halfdutch
Feb. 9th, 2007 04:14 pm (UTC)
Oh wow, thank you so much! My first time writing this pairing, so hearing that you think I captured them means a lot. And I'm glad that "saint" Sawyer actually made sense.

And yes, please friend away! :) I'll add you too.
speedcat93
Feb. 9th, 2007 06:33 pm (UTC)
"My first time writing this pairing" that's very good, especially for a 1st. Friended you, YEAH to new friends!! :D
veetvoojagig
Feb. 9th, 2007 01:22 pm (UTC)
Beautiful. I loved the character dynamics, the battle of emotions desperate to stay hidden... You had both the characters down pat. Bravo.
halfdutch
Feb. 9th, 2007 04:16 pm (UTC)
Wow, thank you! That's very high praise. :)
uhzoomzip
Feb. 9th, 2007 03:07 pm (UTC)
first of all, ♥ to you for the depeche mode title *goes to happy place, watching dave gahan prance across stage* okay, i'm back, but that was a lovely start!

this whole thing is just... guh! your details add so much depth - i love that sawyer wouldn't look at or respond to sayid in any way, but he comes alive when their positions are reversed. i love that sayid struggles with letting go, but does it so that he can connect with sawyer in some meaningful way. and that they get there eventually, but not completely:

Words, a forbidden endearment, spill from Sayid’s lips but he’s safe; the words are Arabic.

“I’m looking at you now,” Sawyer says softly. But his eyes close when Sayid kisses him.

fabulous job, sweetie! i'm so impressed!
halfdutch
Feb. 9th, 2007 04:23 pm (UTC)
I wrote this with Depeche Mode as my soundtrack -- they always help enable the smut! :)

And oh, it's so wonderful to hear a reaction like yours to this fic It's always risky trying something new and now I'm very glad I did! *hugs*
alliecat8
Feb. 9th, 2007 06:02 pm (UTC)
I don't think I'll ever catch up on all the Lost Riffs, but I'm glad I got to this one. I love psychological fics (duh) and you explore what's in their heads so well here, without detracting from the sexiness.

“Am I hurting you?” he asks gently, holding his breath for the answer.

Sawyer looks at him in surprise, his blank stare giving way to a frown. “Which answer is gonna make you keep goin’?”


I loved that; Sawyer just assumes that with Sayid, it's all about pain. He takes it and finds pleasure in it, but he abstracts himself from it by refusing to connect with looks or kisses. I like how the tables are turned, and Sayid does feel pain (which I think he wanted, needed, to equalize things between them) but once that's happened he's able to let go and experience pleasure as well. It's nice to see them connect at the end in more than just a physical way. I think you really did justice to both of their psyches here, and in such a wonderfully erotic way. Loved it!

Oh, and it's funny that the last thing I did before I read this fic was make a Sawyer icon that I titled "halo effect." Obviously, I share superpowers with Desmond. ;)
halfdutch
Feb. 10th, 2007 03:30 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad I took the plunge in trying something new. So positive feedback like yours to this fic means that much more because I wasn't sure about it at all.

I've tried writing this pairing before and I just never got anywhere with it. But this time I was determined! That's so wonderful to hear you think I did them both justice. And that it was sexy!

And ha, you are psychic! Tell me, what happens next week on Lost? :)
ficklemuse
Feb. 10th, 2007 06:53 am (UTC)


I couldn't love this more if it were dipped in chocolate.

Sayid/Sawyer always touches that 'ooohhhh tingly' spot in my psyche to begin with and angst-ish/hot/psychologically fraught hot sweaty mansex just makes it even better!

The sex was lovely - but it's the kiss that got me.

*le swoon*
halfdutch
Feb. 10th, 2007 04:14 pm (UTC)
Oh thank you! :) My first time writing this pairing so that's extra sweet to hear! And I always like my sex with a heaping side of angst. So glad you enjoyed!
lillyjk
May. 2nd, 2007 01:53 am (UTC)
OH GOD!

this was perfect. so like Sawyer to turn pleasure into penance. and Sayid's burgeoning obsession...

And when Sayid starts to wonder what Sawyer is imagining instead of him, he knows he is lost. What started out as simply fucking Sawyer is not enough now. Fucking Sawyer is not having him.


*shivers*

SEE WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU NOW! Sayid + Sawyer = OTP of hotness! *runs to read next story*
halfdutch
May. 3rd, 2007 08:13 pm (UTC)
Wow, when you get back in the groove on LJ, you don't fool around! :)

I'm so glad you approve, babe! I tried forever to hit on a workable dynamic to approach these two and I'm glad I finally hit on one that clicked. (Not that there's only one, of course, LOL.)

And yes, they are indeed the hotness together. Especially since Sawyer is running out of viable options on canon right about now.

*MWAH*
( 28 comments — Leave a comment )

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