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Title: We must have died alone, a long long time ago
Pairing: Sawyer/Juliet (with past Sawyer/Kate)
Rating: R
Spoilers: Set post-S4 finale, although no specific spoilers.
Word count: 1446
Note: This is not the fic I planned to write next but here it is, inspired by this scene from "I Do." Started out as a Sawyer/Kate fic, and then it morphed into something else. Thank you to zelda_zee for the beta!





Juliet can't get the noise of the chopper out of her head, a bone-shaking roar that seemed to go on forever. They stood and watched as it became a tiny speck in the sky, until they couldn't even hear it anymore. Until it was really gone.

And then they turned back to their homes, their eyes wet, their voices hoarse from shouting over the motor. It didn't feel real. Jack, Kate, all of them, gone. Just... gone.

She's not sure if she's the one who gets out the bottles of wine or if it's Sawyer, but they end up on her couch, too spent to do anything but drink in moody silence. She squints at the painting of a sailboat on her living room wall. She's going to have to look at that same stupid painting every day of the rest of her life. She's never getting off this goddamned island.

She turns away from the image of the boat and the waves -- why couldn't it be a forest scene, or a still life of rotten fruit or something?

She barely registers Sawyer's being there, even though his hand is on her knee. His quiet presence is reassuring. At least she's not completely alone.

She finds herself comparing his hands -- the one gripping the nearly empty bottle and the one lying loosely on her leg, just where the denim's been ripped. She doesn't realize he's drunk until he starts to trace the rip in her jeans with his fingertips; his hand is warm and surprisingly soft and she must be kind of drunk too because she leans into him, blanking out everything but the shivery feel of his hand on her skin.

She should right herself and send him back to his own little house. But she doesn't. There's something comforting about the lazy way he leans into her; she can't help but feel relaxed.

No, relaxed isn't the right word. More like weary. It's only been a few hours since the chopper left, but already it seems like they were never here. Sawyer must be thinking of Kate, as she is of Jack. It's too much to wrap her mind around, and so she sits here, getting drunk with Sawyer because she doesn't know what else to do and he doesn't either.

Neither has spoken a word in she doesn't know how long when he says something in a slow, rumbling drawl, his voice raspy. "I woulda died for her."

She nods against his shoulder. "I know," she says softly.

"I was down on my knees. I was ready for it. I could hear the trigger click... feel the bullet... And she was cryin', beggin' him not to do it.... she was cryin' for me." He's just speaking his thoughts aloud; she doesn't need to respond, but she does anyway.

"But you didn't die," she says and she's sure he's disappointed that he didn't die then, when everything was simple and clear-cut and Kate loved him. And now Kate's gone.

"She did the same for you," she says, remembering the moment when Kate stepped in front of Sawyer, protecting his body with her own, when Juliet could so easily have shot them both. "She thought I was going to shoot you."

Sawyer shrugs. "She knew you wouldn't."
"Really? I had just shot Pickett."

"Yeah, well.... thanks for that..." He takes a swig from the bottle and hands it to her -- they dispensed with glasses long ago -- and their fingers brush, just for a moment, sending another shiver down her spine.

She should argue that Kate was just as willing to die for him as he was for her, but she can't quite put it into words. Kate was sure Juliet wouldn't shoot, while Sawyer was just as sure that Pickett would.

"You expected to die," she says, settling against him with a sigh. The sentence isn't complete.... she knows his life story, knows he's always been expecting to die, even gone so far as to invite it on occasion.

"We're all gonna die someday." He takes the bottle back and downs it, the last few drops of Dharma wine trickling down his chin and neck, staining his T-shirt with red. "Looks like you and I are gonna die here."

He turns to look at her, really look at her, and then he's falling against her, pinning her to the couch with the fierce crush of his mouth. His lips taste of salt and the tang of wine, and god help her, but she wants this, wants him.

He doesn't ask, just pulls her jeans down and then she's helping him ease his past his hips and then, fuck, he's inside her and he's hard and whole and here. Everything about him is rough -- his tongue, the scrape of his stubble, the brush of his ragged nails as they dig into her hips, and God, it's just what she needs. I'm here, he's here. We're alive, the words chase themselves in her head, repeating as he thrusts deeper, as if he were telling himself the very same thing. I'm here.... but she's gone...

She wraps her legs tight 'round him, her hands pull at his hair, telling him everything she needs without words... him, here, in me....

He comes with a muffled cry against her neck, his body damp and dead-heavy on top of her. She doesn’t come, but it doesn’t really matter, not this time. She thinks he's probably passed out before he slips out of her and she follows him down, into something like sleep.

At some point in the night, she's not sure when, she wakes, her bare legs too cold to ignore, even with Sawyer as her blanket.

She must have led him to her bed, because when she wakes in the morning, he's tangled up in the sheets next to her, fast asleep.

He looks younger, somehow, his face slack and untroubled, his mouth slightly open like a little boy's, one fist clutching the pillow tightly. But as she looks closer, the sunlight reveals fine lines around his eyes she'd never noticed before. Funny that a man who seems so eager to die has laugh lines etched so clearly on his face.

She draws the sheet up around her bare arms, her head on her knees as she watches him sleep. Goodwin died because of her, because she loved him. It's not the same thing, she knows, but she feels the same stab of grief at the thought of Sawyer lying dead in a field somewhere. She reaches out to touch his arm with her fingertips, just where the sun has warmed his skin. He stirs slightly, making a mild noise of complaint, but doesn't wake.

She wonders if he ever really loved Kate -- how Kate felt is anyone's guess -- or if he was maybe just in love with the idea of dying for her.

His mouth twitches in sleep and she finds it hard to believe that this man, this handsome, brave man, would want to die.

She doesn't know what to do with a man who's in love with death. They aren't dead, either of them, and everyone who was out to kill them is gone. For all she knows, they'll live on here for years. The thought isn't necessarily reassuring. Maybe a little bit of Sawyer's pessimism is rubbing off on her.

Her head hurts and she feels sick to her stomach. Dharma wine always gives the worst hangovers. She gets up and drinks some water and takes a few aspirin and she feels a little better. She sets a glass of water and the pill bottle on the nightstand next to Sawyer. He wakes then, looking only mildly surprised to be staring up at her.

"Hey," he says, a hand going to his eyes to shield them from the light as he sits up.

"Hey," she answers, handing him the glass of water.

He swallows it down greedily, not caring how much of it washes down his chin. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and eyes her curiously. "Guess we tied one on."

"Yeah, we did," she says with a laugh because it's funny, somehow.

He's grinning at her but his smile fades as he leans forward, taking her head in his hands. He just stares at her for a moment before he kisses her.

She closes her eyes. There's just him, just here, just now. There never was anything else.

Comments

( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
jenthegypsy
May. 27th, 2008 01:26 am (UTC)
Ahhhh, damn. Absolutely wonderful.

"I woulda died for her."
She nods against his shoulder. "I know," she says softly.
"I was down on my knees. I was ready for it. I could hear the trigger click... feel the bullet... And she was cryin', beggin' him not to do it.... she was cryin' for me."


Kate, you bitch, how quickly you forgot.

I have a half-finished Sawyer/Juliet fic based on the looks exchanged between them just before Juliet tazer's him during his escape attempt and also when Juliet tosses him the canteen and he pours the water out. I loved the idea of Juliet with Sawyer - still do. Maybe that's how it will go now. One can only hope.

But they won't play the cards as well as you have!
halfdutch
May. 27th, 2008 03:23 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you, darlin'! :) I wasn't feeling this pairing until recently. I guess I had to wait for her to come over to the "good" side. And for Kate to really turn her back on Sawyer. (Although god knows they'll keep the triangle alive until the bitter end!) I'm kind of hoping that the two of them hook up now. I have no idea what's going to be going on on the island but I'm sure that, unlike this fic, people will still be lining up to try to kill them!

But they won't play the cards as well as you have!

Aww, thank you, hon! I have a strong suspicion everyone's gonna be celibate on the show for a while! And you should finish your fic!
shennydenny
May. 27th, 2008 01:47 am (UTC)
Whoo! That was seriously powerful. Wonderful writing, very smooth and beautiful imagery, and I kind of like the idea that Juliet and Sawyer end up together. If I wasn't suck a die-hard Skater I would have been pulling for Sawyer/Juliet. What a great story!
halfdutch
May. 27th, 2008 03:24 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you! I was trying to write a Sawyer/Kate fic but then Kate was gone and Juliet was there and it just happened! I blame the Dharma wine! Seriously, thanks for reading and glad you liked. (I wasn't really pro-Juliet until very recently myself!)
demonqueen666
May. 27th, 2008 03:20 am (UTC)
Oh, wow! I really liked this. It seemed very like Sawyer and Juliet, to end up together in the aftermath this way.

This:

She squints at the painting of a sailboat on her living room wall. She's going to have to look at that same stupid painting every day of the rest of her life. She's never getting off this goddamned island.

and this:

Sawyer must be thinking of Kate, as she is of Jack. It's too much to wrap her mind around, and so she sits here, getting drunk with Sawyer because she doesn't know what else to do and he doesn't either.

were my favorite little bits, for some reason.
halfdutch
May. 27th, 2008 03:27 am (UTC)
I think that this is probably the vibe that other Sawyer/Juliet fics have -- "love the one you're with" -- kind of, but I've only warmed up the idea of this pairing very recently. I'd like to see them be there for each other. They kind of have to, right, if everyone else is dead or gone? (Ha, of course they'll probably each get a new love interest next season, knowing Darlton!)

And awww, you had favorite bits! :) Sometimes the only thing to do is to get good and drunk, yes?
janie_tangerine
May. 27th, 2008 08:00 am (UTC)
Oh, this was just so beautiful. Thinking of them getting together after the others leave absolutely makes sense and well, if Jack and Kate play house in the real world why shouldn't they? If they hook up, all good for them.

Drunk Sawyer sort of made me ache and I loved your Juliet here. I loved also the connection with I Do and the following one. The flowing and the pacing were terrific, I really loved it.
halfdutch
May. 28th, 2008 05:57 am (UTC)
You know, I was going to write a fic called "Playing House" but that title seemed far too lighthearted for this one. (And then I kept listening to "The Man Who Sold the World," so I had to call it something from that.)

I suddenly love the idea of them ending up together, even if it feels like second best, I think they'd find they're better off together than with their first choices. (Well, more so Sawyer than Juliet! Canon!Kate has kind of worn out her welcome with me.)

Thanks so much for reading and I'm so glad you liked it.
(Deleted comment)
halfdutch
May. 28th, 2008 06:01 am (UTC)
Oh, you've totally made my day with this comment! *blushes* Thank you so much! :)

I think most of the fics I've read (or written) about those who stay behind are pretty downbeat. But then again, I haven't read that many! And I've only read a few Sawyer/Juliet fics (mostly drabbles) as I used to not be into that pairing at all. But now it just really seems to make sense to me, that they could be there for each other and that it could lead to something more than comfort. (I was going to write this a Sawyer-musing-alone fic but then Juliet insisted on being there too and the fic ending on a hopeful note. ;D)
hendercats
May. 27th, 2008 11:07 pm (UTC)
why couldn't it be a forest scene, or a still life of rotten fruit somehow
The wish for the painting to be of something quirky (rotten fruit - hee!) feels very right for Juliet.

Sawyer must be thinking of Kate, as she is of Jack.
*music starts playing in my head* ... and if you can't be with the one you love....

she follows him down, into something like sleep
I really like this line, like the way it has layer on layer of meaning.

Dharma wine always gives the worst hangovers
Nice little detail! :)

There's just him, just here, just now. There never was anything else.
Oh, wow - great ending!

Have not been reading/commenting the way I should or the way I'd like to lately, and that makes me sad. So please accept apologies if this is coming out stiff or stilted, or simply sounds trite, but I really enjoyed this fic and think you've made the pairing believable.
halfdutch
May. 28th, 2008 06:03 am (UTC)
Hee, glad you like the bit about the painting. I think anything that doesn't tease her with a way of getting off the island would be welcome!

And no need for apologies! This is wonderful feedback and very much appreciated! I'm especially happy this pairing was believable as it's my first time writing it! Thanks again for taking the time to read & comment!

Edited at 2008-05-28 06:03 am (UTC)
deej240z
May. 28th, 2008 12:37 am (UTC)
I really, really liked this. Not that I'm ever going to ship these two. It's pointless on this show. But, I think that if we ever see any of those left behind next season, I wouldn't be surprised at all if they hooked up.

What I liked:
Neither has spoken a word in she doesn't know how long when he says something in a slow, rumbling drawl, his voice raspy. "I woulda died for her."

Yup. Too bad Kate couldn't have appreciated it.

And:
Sawyer must be thinking of Kate, as she is of Jack. It's too much to wrap her mind around, and so she sits here, getting drunk with Sawyer because she doesn't know what else to do and he doesn't either.

That line really hit the spot. Two people wanting what they can't have, and must make do with what they do. Sad.
halfdutch
May. 28th, 2008 06:05 am (UTC)
Oh yeah, shipping is the path to frustration, surely! Although I can take very little and run with it! It does kind of suck for Sawyer and Juliet to be second best compared to Jack and Kate, so I'd like to think that, eventually, it would be more than settling for each of them. But then I like to inject a little hope here and there, I guess. Why else do we fic, except to write things the way we'd like them, or imagine they *might* be?

Thanks for reading, hon!
fosfomifira
May. 28th, 2008 01:56 am (UTC)
I am going to start by apologizing because a)I'm brain dead and b)I don't have a Juliet icon.

I can see this pairing working on a certain level. I think Juliet could be good for Sawyer in that she's a mature, grown woman, closer to Sawyer's own age (if not a little older). I think she wouldn't put up with any bullshit, but at the same time she's proven that she has a sense of humor. And Sawyer can be good company - in bed and out of it.

I wish they'd go into this with their eyes wide open, but maybe pretending that their past ever existed is the answer for them. Maybe then Sawyer will forget he ever had a death wish, maybe Juliet will forget she ever wanted more than life than this.
halfdutch
May. 28th, 2008 06:08 am (UTC)
Juliet is definitely more mature than Kate, isn't she? And I guess I wrote her as somewhat maternal here, despite the sex. I think she and Sawyer could be very good for (and with) each other, but who knows what we'll get in canon?

And pfft, don't apologize! You're incredibly sweet to leave fb at all! :) I am honored that you're taking the time to consider this as a real pairing with a real future and real consequences. Alas, I don't think the show will ever let anyone end up happy ever after -- or happy for more than a moment. I honestly don't know how the show will end and sometimes I think I don't want to know!

eponine119
May. 29th, 2008 04:05 am (UTC)
She doesn't know what to do with a man who's in love with death.

I love this story so much. Every bit of it is just so perfectly written.
halfdutch
Jun. 4th, 2008 01:30 pm (UTC)
Oh, thanks so much for your fb here. :) I was not feeling this pairing until very recently so I've missed all your Sawyer/Juliet fics! I hope to catch up soon.
6degreesoflea
May. 29th, 2008 08:50 am (UTC)
Yeah it's official, this Jacketeer is on a Suliet fic kick.

It's really so sad how these two having been coming together in fics I've read, once the O6 have left them behind, but at the same time it just makes sense that they would clash together and comfort each other. I don't want to work the the term "using each other" coz I believe they both really fell for Jack and Kate but yeah I feel like these two make the perfect buddy for depression and somehow hope in each other. I dunno if I'm making sense right now :P umm.. I appreciate the friction these two have. And while I don't ship them in canon I think they're both been beaten, detached, passionate, and witty people. Can't wait for them to interact in S5.

Juliet can't get the noise of the chopper out of her head, a bone-shaking roar that seemed to go on forever.

It's only been a few hours since the chopper left, but already it seems like they were never here. Sawyer must be thinking of Kate, as she is of Jack. It's too much to wrap her mind around, and so she sits here, getting drunk with Sawyer because she doesn't know what else to do and he doesn't either.

"I woulda died for her." She nods against his shoulder. "I know," she says softly.

He turns to look at her, really look at her, and then he's falling against her, pinning her to the couch with the fierce crush of his mouth. His lips taste of salt and the tang of wine, and god help her, but she wants this, wants him.

I'm here, he's here. We're alive, the words chase themselves in her head, repeating as he thrusts deeper, as if he were telling himself the very same thing. I'm here.... but she's gone... [...] She wraps her legs tight 'round him, her hands pull at his hair, telling him everything she needs without words... him, here, in me....

She thinks he's probably passed out before he slips out of her and she follows him down, into something like sleep.

Funny that a man who seems so eager to die has laugh lines etched so clearly on his face.

"Guess we tied one on." "Yeah, we did," she says with a laugh because it's funny, somehow.

She closes her eyes. There's just him, just here, just now. There never was anything else.
halfdutch
Jun. 4th, 2008 01:33 pm (UTC)
I am very much looking forward to seeing them interact in S5 -- and very happy to ship them in the meantime! I agree there is a rather sad component to this pairing if they're just settling for who's there, but since Jack and Kate clearly have their own major issues, I think that there's the possibility that Sawyer and Juliet might turn out to be very good for each other. It's worth exploring, at any rate! I'm actually fairly open to all combinations of this foursome, which I can't say I was when we first met Juliet!

Thanks so much for your fb! :)
alemyrddin
Jun. 5th, 2008 10:03 am (UTC)
He looks younger, somehow, his face slack and untroubled, his mouth slightly open like a little boy's, one fist clutching the pillow tightly. But as she looks closer, the sunlight reveals fine lines around his eyes she'd never noticed before. Funny that a man who seems so eager to die has laugh lines etched so clearly on his face.
This description is so enticing and lovely. I love the last line in particular, that shows that Juliet is perceptive enough to see another one of the multiple aspects of Sawyer.

I liked also her thoughts about him maybe not loving Kate but the idea of dying for her (just like Jack doesn't love Kate, imo - but maybe that's just wishful thinking...).

I loved this piece, how at first it was mostly about drawing comfort from each other, trying to forget the loneliness and everything, but somehow a more important message passed between them too. omg, I really turned into a Juliet lover. ;)


:)
halfdutch
Jun. 7th, 2008 07:07 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you, hon! :) It's never a stretch to write someone admiring Sayer, is it? And I'm glad you liked that it started off as comfort and became something more. I guess I'm an optimist that way, at least with this pairing. And yeah, I never would have guessed I'd be a Juliet fan, let alone shipping her with Sawyer!
siluria
Jun. 8th, 2008 08:42 pm (UTC)
Bless them - they are cute enough to recreate the human race in very pretty technicolor :) I really like this, very good characterisation!
halfdutch
Jun. 10th, 2008 02:28 am (UTC)
Aren't they, though? They would make very attractive babies! And, I hope, enjoy making them! Thanks for reading and glad you liked my first attempt at this pairing.
redheadedali
Jun. 8th, 2008 11:04 pm (UTC)
Love this. Kate and Sayer are totally my OTP, but this seems to me exactly how things would have played out once everyone left in the helicopter.
halfdutch
Jun. 10th, 2008 02:29 am (UTC)
I used to not be a Juliet fan at all but suddenly, I'm ready to ship her with my favorite guy -- who knew?! Thanks for reading and glad you liked it! :)
luna481516
Jun. 18th, 2008 02:28 am (UTC)
Whoa - you wrote this before the finale, huh? And Juliet and Sawyer end up getting drunk together in the finale! (Now we know what happened after that!) Darlton should give up writing and just adopt your fics, between you and elise_509.

I think she understands his death wish well. she's sure he's disappointed that he didn't die then, when everything was simple and clear-cut and Kate loved him. Yeah, seems like things went downhill from there for them.

Funny that a man who seems so eager to die has laugh lines etched so clearly on his face. I liked that - it's so Sawyer.
This pairing under these circumstances could be really interesting, now that Juliet's not working for the dark side. Wonderfully written.
halfdutch
Jun. 18th, 2008 05:51 am (UTC)
Wow, thanks so much! :)

I was very happy to see that I'd anticipated canon in having them get drunk together -- although the circumstances were quite different!

I agree, now that Juliet's no longer waffling on the good vs. evil fence, I like her well enough to pair with my favorite of all Lost men, Sawyer! I hope we get lots of good interaction with both of them ... next year! Gah! Too far away.
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )

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