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TItle: Every Bruise, Every Scar
Pairings: Mostly Sawyer/Juliet, with references to Sawyer with Jack, Sayid, and Kate
Rating: R
Summary: She was the last woman on earth he'd ever trust with his life.
Spoilers S5 premiere
Note: For people who like this pairing, but also, I hope, for those who don't.
Word count: 907




Sawyer wakes to Juliet beside him. She's on her side, back to him, hands folded under her head as a pillow. He reaches out to place his hand over the bruised marks on the back of her arm. The four little spots are a perfect match for each finger of his left hand. He lets his hand linger for a moment. The bruises are fresh. No time has passed, as far as he can tell.

He takes an odd sense of pride in the bruises. They're proof that just a few hours ago, she was on her knees for him, head arched back, urging him to fuck her harder. They're proof that he's been inside her, that she's his now.

He's woken before to a Juliet whose arm is unmarked, one doesn't know him, a wary stranger who is prepared to kill the stranger in front of her. Then he prays for the next flash, for the calming touch of her hand, for the second when she's herself again.

The morning air is cool and she shivers a little. He nestles in closer, wanting to keep her warm without waking her. The image of her on her hands and knees gets him hard again. He loves the sheer dominance of the position, the fact that she's literally bowing to him. He still remembers her as that emotionless bitch he hated so much, one who didn't show an ounce of regret when she shot him with a dart or a taser. She was the last woman on earth he'd ever trust with his life.

He'll never get over the intense, petty thrill of having her on her knees like a dog. He isn't tender then; he fucks her with no mercy, bruising her arms, her hips, for all he knows, her pussy too.

But when she's on top, ah, that's maybe just as good. He's always loved a woman who can give him a good ride and fuck, is Juliet good at it. To see her face, to see every tremor of pleasure register there, to see that set expression of hers fall away, to see inside her, that's almost better than taking her from behind. She has an obsessive way of touching the scar on his arm, the one on his shoulder, and he knows it's the same with her, that she needs to be sure he's still him, that nothing has been changed or forgotten.

The skin is more sensitive where he's been wounded. If he hadn't been stabbed, he wouldn't have this scar, proof of Sayid's rage, of Jack's deft doctor's hands. He can feel Sayid pinning him to the ground, the bitter bite of the knife and he can picture Jack sewing up the ragged wound, stitch by stitch.

They've left their marks on him and unlike bruises, scars don't fade. Well, not under normal circumstances. Here, the wear and tear of years, the near-death experiences, the desperate binding of flesh and blood can vanish and reappear in a second.

When he sees Jack, here, there, in the jungle, on the beach, sometimes he has his abdominal scar, sometimes he doesn't. He wonders how that makes Juliet feel when she sees Jack. He imagines she takes pride in having saved his life, at having made each tiny stitch perfectly.

From the almost reverent way Jack runs his hand over Sawyer's arm when it's just the two of them, he's pretty sure that Jack feels that same thrill of ownership; It was Jack's hand that bound the torn flesh back together and so Sawyer is somehow his. Sawyer feels every touch all over his body, especially when the wound is fresh again, throbbing so badly he wants to die.

Sayid always kisses the telltale mark on Sawyer's arm, as if asking forgiveness all over again. The soft touch of his lips, the swipe of his tongue, where he sank that knife in, never fails to make Sawyer shiver. Even if Sayid is sorry for stabbing him, he's marked him just as surely as Jack has.

Maybe that's why things are so strange with Kate. Sometimes the cuts on her cheek, fresh from the crash, are there, but the rest of her body is always completely unmarked. He can't say why it makes him sad, but there it is: He's never left a mark on Kate and she's never left one on him.

Juliet stirs, turning to regard him sleepily, and Sawyer kisses her cheek. He presses his hand gently, matching fingertip to bruise and she shifts her hips back against him, discovering that he's hard, aching. His hand slips inside her jeans. He always loves to make her come first, make her hot and wet and panting for him, loves to feel her pulse racing from that first second he's inside her.

Her head falls back against his chest, eyes shut tight. Each time he makes her moan, he's remembers that they started out as enemies, that at one time he wanted to strangle the life out of her.

He was never Kate's enemy. There were harsh words between them and bitter silences, but they never wanted each other dead. And without the intensity of that hate, maybe there's no such thing as love.

He keeps thinking that next time he'll leave these kind of bruises on Kate, but he never does. Deep down, he knows the truth; she's not his, never was.

Comments

( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
jenthegypsy
Feb. 6th, 2009 02:19 am (UTC)
Excellent! I'm one of the ones who is totally on board with this pairing - leave Kate and Jack to themselves and let Sawyer and Juliet find something with each other. I hope you visit the pairing again!
halfdutch
Feb. 6th, 2009 02:44 am (UTC)
Thank you, hon. I'm enjoying exploring the possibilities of a new pairing. I can't help but agree that at this point, Juliet would be better for Sawyer than Kate would ever be.
whimsey
Feb. 6th, 2009 06:25 am (UTC)
Awesome!

I absolutely love this pairing. I hate that sometimes Kate strings Sawyer along and it's just not fair. Juliet and Sawyer have an understanding which i love.

Thank you for writing them!
halfdutch
Feb. 7th, 2009 02:43 am (UTC)
Thank you! I agree that at this point, Juliet would be better for Sawyer. Kate just doesn't appreciate him!
lasamy
Feb. 6th, 2009 03:19 pm (UTC)
oh man, i loved this *_*
halfdutch
Feb. 7th, 2009 02:43 am (UTC)
Aww, thank you! :)
gottalovev
Feb. 6th, 2009 04:13 pm (UTC)
ohh, I particularly love how you end it. she never really was indeed. Nice musing on scars and markings, and what it means to Sawyer. lovely!
halfdutch
Feb. 7th, 2009 02:44 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you, dear! I have a new perspective on scars myself, now and it worked its way into this fic. They all have more than their share, don't they?
siluria
Feb. 6th, 2009 06:04 pm (UTC)
I'm not a huge fan of the pairing, but I'm not going to complain if it develops on the show. This I like though, especially the idea of marks and scars having that meaning and feeling behind it :)
halfdutch
Feb. 7th, 2009 02:46 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you so much! It's so nice to hear that you like this, even though you're not into the pairing! :)
geminigrace
Feb. 6th, 2009 09:02 pm (UTC)
Oh, I really liked this...Sawyer so filled with angst and I love the fact that you're exploring this pairing because I don't think the show will!
halfdutch
Feb. 7th, 2009 02:47 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you, hon! I kind of like the fact that Sawyer *isn't* jumping Juliet, at least not yet. I think they won't have them get together any more than they did Juliet with Jack, but I'm enjoying playing with a new couple. ♥
phelipa
Feb. 7th, 2009 04:56 pm (UTC)
This was so wonderful! I really love this new pairing and you write them so beautifully! I did love this line about Sawyer/Kate as well: He can't say why it makes him sad, but there it is: He's never left a mark on Kate and she's never left one on him. .

Great job!
halfdutch
Feb. 7th, 2009 08:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Sawyer loves Kate so much and it's such a shame she's never really reciprocated. Of all the women he had to fall for, he chose one with more issues than he has. It took me a while to warm up to Juliet but I'm all the way there now.


Thanks so much for your fb!

missy_useless
Feb. 7th, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC)
This is utterly amazing - angsty and painful and so very well written. I loved every word of it! Thanks a lot for writing this; it's beautiful. :)
halfdutch
Feb. 7th, 2009 10:07 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you so much! Wow, your comment made my day. Thank you!
luna481516
Feb. 7th, 2009 10:23 pm (UTC)
I love your point of view on them and on Sawyer himself. Skipping through time like that would definitely mess with your head. Juliet would understand him in a way Kate never did.

Loved this line: He can't say why it makes him sad, but there it is: He's never left a mark on Kate and she's never left one on him.
I'd never thought of that before, what with all the scars and tattooes the Lost people have. And both Kate and Juliet have left their stitch marks on Jack. And Jack, like you said, on Sawyer. Interesting...
halfdutch
Feb. 9th, 2009 02:21 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! They have definitely racked up their share of scars and marks, haven't they? And I do like the way Juliet sees Sawyer in a way that Kate never could. I'm enjoying writing this pairing and playing a bit with the possibilities of time travel!
janie_tangerine
Feb. 7th, 2009 11:11 pm (UTC)
Oh, this was such great work. You did prove a point here and you write them so well. I loved also the Jack and Sayid sections, they indeed fit perfectly here and the Sawyer/Juliet dynamic was just perfect. The last line kind of was... well, it. I'm just thinking myself that I'd love to see it happening but then I don't want Juliet to get screwed when Kate comes back so I really don't know how I'd feel about it in canon... but in fic I'd say bring it the hell on. ;) I loved it!
halfdutch
Feb. 9th, 2009 02:24 am (UTC)
Thank you, darling! I'm really warming to the idea of these two together. I don't know if I want them to become a couple in canon as it's pretty well established that Sawyer will always, hopelessly, love Kate, and probably the same for Juliet re: Jack, but agree, I'm enjoying exploring it in fic! And I'm so happy you liked the Sayid & Jack bits as well. It's not everyone who's into all these pairings! :)
jazzpno
Feb. 9th, 2009 08:10 pm (UTC)
Interesting how Sayid, Jack and now Juliet have this physical connection with Sawyer that Kate lacks. Coincidence? No.

I appreciate how Sawyer breaks down that shell that Juliet has. I hope to see that in canon, even if we don't see the sex. Speacking of which...

DAMN!

Pretty hot. Sawyer and Juliet doggie-style. Great visual. 'Nuff said.
halfdutch
Feb. 11th, 2009 02:53 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked the connections here. Once I started thinking about scars and how people got them, the rest kind of fell into place. The Juliet/Sawyer dynamic here was inspired by a comment from a friend of mine along the lines of "hey, didn't they used to HATE each other?" Which, you know, always leads to hot sex, LOL. :) Thank you for your fb!
alemyrddin
Feb. 10th, 2009 11:39 am (UTC)
wow. This was very hot, the idea that Sawyer loved having that kind of power over Juliet, but also that both Jack and Sayid marked him, while Kate didn't.

It would be so heartbreaking if they had to time-travel separately, meeting each other when one of them didn't know who the other was. I'm glad that those marks helped Sawyer, Juliet (but also Jack and Sayid) to remain connected with each other.
halfdutch
Feb. 11th, 2009 02:55 am (UTC)
Thank you, love! I really liked the idea, once it occurred to me. At another phase in my Lost fandom, Juliet probably wouldn't have factored in at all! It kind of breaks my heart how much Sawyer loves Kate when she can't or won't love him back the same way.

And yes, I'm very glad that the time travelers are at least traveling together! It would be utter chaos and confusion otherwise!

Thanks for reading, hon!
tokenblkgirl
Feb. 10th, 2009 04:58 pm (UTC)
This was seriously fantastic! :D
halfdutch
Feb. 11th, 2009 02:56 am (UTC)
Wow, thank you! :)
whatismuch
Feb. 15th, 2009 01:42 am (UTC)
Hi! *waves*
This is awkward because I've never commented on a fanfiction before and I don't even know where to start, lol! You don't even know who I am.

Anyway, I've liked this story and the one you have written before it for this pairing very much ('Only You And I'), I was linked to them by a friend and I'm happy I followed the link.

I've falled in love with the idea of Sawyer and Juliet pretty recently (during the hiatus between S4 and S5) and against my better judgement, because liking any pairing from the love square of doom on Lost will always lead to being disappointed by the writing, imo. I had been a Skater since the pilot until that point, so even loving Juliet's character a lot since her introduction, I first had to let go of Skate to enjoy the idea of James with another woman. I realized that I kept hoping he would be loved back by Kate, but slowly, it also sunk in that she will never love him back as deeply as his feelings for her deserve, and Sawyer has evolved too much to keep up with those games and eternal doubts of hers. I'm also sick to see him "in competition" with Jack.

You basically summarized all my feelings on the matter with your final line ("Deep down, he knows the truth; she's not his, never was"), which is one of my favorite in the fic.

I also like the idea of true love sprung from strong hate, it reinforces the idea of "clean slate" Sawyer could have with Juliet. She is someone he could create something with and experience some serenity, while Kate has this tragic, destructive allure - she helped him open up to love, but after that she's also been a continuous source of pain. Juliet is solid while Kate is more of a dream, at least that's how I have them painted in my mind now and your fic portrays that perfectly.

Oh, and I'm not a fan of slash, but your Sayid and Jack bits were very nice and fitted in the story greatly. The idea of the scars linking the characters together and indicating how much they had marked each other is cool.

I think I've written a super long and boring comment without really saying anything intelligent, I'm stopping now - just wanted to say thank you for writing Sawyer/Juliet, and I hope you'll do it again, also because I doubt I'll ever get to enjoy those two together romantically in canon.
halfdutch
Feb. 16th, 2009 04:17 pm (UTC)
Hi! Wow, thanks so much for this epic comment! :)

I also started off as a Sawyer/Kate shipper: My first-ever Lost fic (first-ever fic of any kind, actually) was Sawyer/Kate, written after Confidence Man. I have tried to hang in there with the two of them but it's so hard to condone the way she treats him. *sigh* He definitely deserves someone who can love him back wholeheartedly. But then I guess, you never get happy couples on TV, do you? I then turned to Jack/Sawyer but with those two split up, I've definitely warmed to the idea of Sawyer and Juliet. I know canon has set it up that they're both in love with someone else, but dammit, I think they're good for each other.

The love/hate aspect here was inspired by a friend who is rather mystified that so many people are jumping on board this ship. I just wanted to acknowledge that they started off as enemies. And I'm one of those who didn't even like Juliet at first! I didn't really like her until S4, to be honest! But now she's my favorite woman on the show.

And I'm very flattered that you liked the slash bits -- I suppose those sections could have turned into a separate fic but it just seemed to go here.

Thanks again for reading! :)
ziyalofhaiti
Sep. 1st, 2012 09:02 pm (UTC)
Oooooh, I really enjoyed this. I've been scouring the net for Suliet fics and this is one of my favorites! I love scar and bruise motifs and how they use it to keep track of the time. Even if this is primarily Suliet, you wove all the other couples in so seamlessly that it becomes a true character study as well as a shipper fic :) I love the raw way that Sawyer thinks about sex......it really fits him, and along with the scars, it gives the whole piece a rawness that i love.
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )

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