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Bad smut ... bad!

Ready for some more bad smut? ;-D

This comes from a book foxxcub loaned me. She warned me about this one story but I went ahead and read it. I *think* this is the story anyway, judging by this groan-inducing (and not the good kind!) smut.

A sample:

"He flicked his tongue against her panties, then fastened his mouth over the mound that housed the sensitive bead of her desire." In the next sentence we then get "her vulnerable nub." Oy.

"He guided the knob of his thick arousal up and down her wet channel." Possibly the least erotic sentence ever?

Comments

( 31 comments — Leave a comment )
strutterms
Aug. 23rd, 2005 09:49 pm (UTC)
*head explodes from trying NOT to laugh at work*

Great googly moogly.

*wipes away tears and continues trying not to laugh at this and previous bad smut*

Did I mention great googly moogly? 'Cause...*chokes on her own laughter*

That is all. :P
halfdutch
Aug. 23rd, 2005 11:57 pm (UTC)
Bad smut is sooo entertaining. Now I want to go on a bad smut-finding spree! I actually found a horrendous femme slash over at ff.net today but it was almost impossible to excerpt. The thing needed to be read in its entirety to truly appreciate its awfulness. Hang on - I'm going to IM you the link...
(no subject) - halfdutch - Aug. 24th, 2005 12:00 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hkath - Aug. 24th, 2005 01:55 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - Aug. 24th, 2005 02:11 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - hkath - Aug. 24th, 2005 02:25 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - Aug. 24th, 2005 03:48 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - demonqueen666 - Aug. 24th, 2005 03:32 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - Aug. 24th, 2005 03:42 am (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - halfdutch - Aug. 24th, 2005 08:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
mediocrechick
Aug. 23rd, 2005 10:18 pm (UTC)
So basically, he's licking her panties? Am I picturing this correctly? Do I even want to picture this correctly? WEIRD-O!!!!

I also love guys who call their "manhood" a "knob"....so sexy! It makes me want to read this book now. Heh!
halfdutch
Aug. 24th, 2005 12:02 am (UTC)
Well, he did eventually get around to getting the panties off, the better to apply his "knob" to her "wet tunnel." *snerk*

I know that "knob" is used as an insult in England. Not sexy! Bwah. I wonder how much writing bad smut for a living pulls in. I should give it a try!
(no subject) - mediocrechick - Aug. 24th, 2005 01:22 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - Aug. 24th, 2005 02:16 am (UTC) - Expand
foxxcub
Aug. 24th, 2005 01:31 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That writer just blows. I TOLD you not to read that one! I don't know what's worse--her porn, or her ridiculously cliched gay sidekicks.

And I'm not afraid to post her name, either:

DO NOT READ ANYTHING BY STEPHANIE BOND, OR YOU'LL RUE THE DAY.
halfdutch
Aug. 24th, 2005 02:12 am (UTC)
Hee! Smirking David!

Yeah, she bloooooows! At least it was short. And sandwiched between two very hot stories by people who knew how to write smut at least!

kataren
Aug. 24th, 2005 01:32 am (UTC)
Damn j00~~~~! This brings back horrible memories...
The shrinks just managed to make me less insane, & now I'm in remission.
(Parents, beware...reading isn't always good for your kids!)
halfdutch
Aug. 24th, 2005 02:13 am (UTC)
OMG, was it that traumatic?!!
(no subject) - kataren - Aug. 24th, 2005 09:38 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - Aug. 25th, 2005 06:54 am (UTC) - Expand
cmere
Aug. 24th, 2005 03:03 am (UTC)
He FASTENED his mouth?

GOD, I'M WET JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
halfdutch
Aug. 24th, 2005 03:44 am (UTC)
Bwaha!

I think she forgot the main function of smut is to GET YOU HOT! ;-D Not have people scratching their heads or rolling on the ground laughing.
demonqueen666
Aug. 24th, 2005 03:27 am (UTC)
...WHAT THE SHIT WAS THAT?!

Man, I have no experience what-so-fucking-ever, and *I* could write a better sex scene!!

At least, I'd have the guts to do without "clever" euphinisms like "bead of her desire" and "wet channel"...
halfdutch
Aug. 24th, 2005 03:43 am (UTC)
Yeah, sometimes you should just all a spade a spade or a cock a cock, you know? Being cutesy about sex just makes it worse. And SOOOO not hot.

(no subject) - halfdutch - Aug. 24th, 2005 03:49 am (UTC) - Expand
philomel
Aug. 24th, 2005 05:08 am (UTC)
"He guided the knob of his thick arousal up and down her wet channel."

I have a joke in my head that utilizes the word "seamen"....

*headdesk*
halfdutch
Aug. 24th, 2005 05:20 am (UTC)
OMG, LMAO.

Now I'm hearing foghorns, LOL.
inthekeyofd
Aug. 24th, 2005 12:50 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the warning, but you know that cut tag is way beyond temptation--what can I say, but "sesitive bead of desire" I sit here speechless with nothing to say but someone actually got paid for writing that line.

halfdutch
Aug. 24th, 2005 08:21 pm (UTC)
Yes, she got paid. And has written more. It's unbelievable, isn't it? I guess some people must like really bad euphemisms in their smut.
ficangel
Aug. 24th, 2005 01:12 pm (UTC)
*clamps hands over mouth so as not to frighten other people in the lab* CLIT. COCK. PENIS, if you want to get technical. I don't know why people are afraid of these words and have to resort to longwinded and giggle-inducing euphemisms.
halfdutch
Aug. 24th, 2005 08:24 pm (UTC)
*shakes head*

It's mind boggling. You know there's that list of bad sex scenes in what's supposed to be othewise good literature -- John Updike, Paul Theroux -- people who should know better! I couldn't find a current list, but here's one from a few years ago:

http://books.guardian.co.uk/news/articles/0,6109,1099719,00.html

( 31 comments — Leave a comment )

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