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FIC: Failed, Sawyer, PG-13

Title: Failed
Summary: Sawyer wishes Jack were here
Pairing: Faint Jack/Sawyer
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Spoilers: Adrift
Note: You could consider this a companion piece to foxxcub's Scent. Also, thanks to uberaeryn and foxxcub for the super speedy beta! ;-D
Word count: 876


He doesn’t have time to register the shock of the bullet tearing into his shoulder before he’s underwater, fighting his way back up to the surface. It seems forever before he sees light again and he can gasp air into his bursting lungs. He’s alive.

His shoulder is stinging like a motherfucker from the saltwater and the wound burns and throbs. His arm feels fuckin’ useless as he treads water. The raft is in pieces and on fire all around him.

He can’t see anyone else, but he hears Mike calling “Walt,” over and over. His voice is growing weaker. He hears choking and remembers Mike can’t swim.

Sawyer strikes out hard into the waves, cursing his arm, and he finds Mike just below the surface and somehow drags him to a section of the raft that’s miraculously still afloat.

His bad arm protests the dead weight but he sets his jaw. He keeps pulling, screaming through the pain, and now Mike’s on the raft with him. He’s not breathing.

Fuck. If only Jack were here. Sawyer’s never done this before but he’ll be damned if he’s gonna let Mike die. And he goes through the motions - can’t even remember when he learned CPR - and finally Mike is sputtering and relief floods through him. Thank Christ.

He sits back, so fuckin’ happy he can’t even believe it. And then it all goes wrong. Instead of being glad they’re alive, Mike starts blaming Sawyer for everything.

He wants to say, “I saved your life, pal,” but he doesn’t. He sits there, bleeding out, wondering if he’s going into shock or if the numbness is just fury. He didn’t do it to be thanked, but a fucking ‘Thank you,’ would be nice. Mike doesn’t even fuckin’ mention it. Instead, he just keeps raggin’ on him. If he thinks Sawyer took a bullet to save his own skin, well ... Sawyer starts wishing he’d just let him drown.

I mean, what does a guy have to fuckin’ do? he thinks bitterly. Mike blamed him for the poisoning, for the mast breaking, for everything that went wrong, just like the rest of them. He saved the rudder, for Christ’s sake and now Mike is kicking him off his raft? Unfuckingbelievable.

Fine. That's just fuckin' fine, he thinks as he swims to another piece of wreckage -- and he’s the one who’s injured, for fuck’s sake -- hating the sight of Michael and feeling like a chump for thinking, even for a second, that he’d considered him a friend.

“You don’t know what it’s like to care about someone,” Mike says now and Sawyer can only stare at him in disbelief. Back to that. Sawyer, the guy who no one cares about and who doesn’t care about anyone else. Fine. If that’s the way he wants it, that’s the way it’ll be, he swears silently. His hero days are fuckin’ over. Every man for himself, starting now.

Although he might have known, no one told him you got no thanks for helpin’ others. Jack got nothing but lip from Boone when he saved his life. And did he ever thank Jack for patching him up, that once? No, he just chewed his ass and ... well, that was his fault. But now he knows why Jack’s such a jackass. It’s a thankless job and for the first time Sawyer feels a twinge of sympathy for the Doc. He never has a day off. No one can fill in for him. It’s all on him. And he gets blamed for all the big things that go wrong, while Sawyer only gets blamed for the small stuff. Up 'till now.

His arm is really starting to throb and he feels colder with each drop of blood that leaves him. The motion of the waves is oddly soothing. If he weren’t so angry, he might give into his fatigue, just lay down and let himself drift. Everything’s been shot to hell. What’s the fuckin' point anyway?

But he knows he has to get the bullet out and if Mike can watch that and not feel sorry for him, well then Fuck. Him. His mind goes to Jack again. Jack would take care of him. Jack, despite being a pompous windbag most of the time, cares. He cares, he tells himself as he grits his teeth and digs in for the bullet. He wouldn’t force me to do this. He’d patch me up and he’d make everything alright.

The pain is so bad he’s afraid he’s going to cry, but instead he screams. Let Mike hear him. Let him feel bad. Christ, he’s almost got it now. He pulls and feels a fresh gush of blood, stronger now. That ain’t good. He stares at the bullet, held tight in his fingers, slippery wet with blood and he’s insanely proud of himself.

If Jack were here, he’d let him lean up against him, he’s fairly certain. Because now he’s cold and can’t sit up anymore. He falls over, blinking up at the night sky. He wishes he could see Jack again, just once, and tell him he gets it now, that he’s sorry. He gives himself up to the blackness, still trying to figure out just how he’d say it.

Comments

( 37 comments — Leave a comment )
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foxxcub
Oct. 1st, 2005 12:04 am (UTC)
*snuggles lovely new!canon fic*

I'm still tickled you linked it to mine, love. :D
halfdutch
Oct. 1st, 2005 12:24 am (UTC)
Awww, thanks babe! I'm so glad I thought of something along the lines of yours. (Which I HEART.) Of course I linked! Thanks for giving me the thumbs up!
gorgon_mythos
Oct. 1st, 2005 12:18 am (UTC)
Ooooo, very nice. I really like Sawyer's inner monologue going on, spiffy job!
halfdutch
Oct. 1st, 2005 12:24 am (UTC)
Thank you! One of those that kind of wrote itself. ;-D
killanidea
Oct. 1st, 2005 12:20 am (UTC)
I think my favorite fic you've ever written is right here. It may not be the longest one but you've almost brought me to tears at the end and that's never happened before with reading fics. *glomps you*

He wishes he could see Jack again, just once, and tell him he gets it now, that he’s sorry. He gives himself up to the blackness, still trying to figure out just how he’d say it.

*clutches heart* ;_; It's like everyhting Sawyer was thinking and feeling in this episode, put into words. *puts in memories* Btw it should be Michael. *blushes* Instead of being glad they’re alive, Walt starts blaming Sawyer for everything.

halfdutch
Oct. 1st, 2005 12:26 am (UTC)
Oh wow, thank you, thank you! This one just jumped out and demanded to be written right now. *hands you tissue, offers hug*

And oooh, thanks for the typo fix! *oops!* Quite a different meaning there, LOL!
themoononastick
Oct. 1st, 2005 12:51 am (UTC)
I only watched the ep. a couple of hours ago and now I'm really glad that it took me so long to get around to it as it makes this fic all the more perfect.

A wonderful interior monologue to go with the action. You've captured it so well. Love it.
halfdutch
Oct. 1st, 2005 05:48 am (UTC)
*smooshes you*

Thank you, love! I always feel it's a bit risky to mirror a fic too closely on an episode, but dammit, this one wanted some rewriting, from my POV anyway, LOL. ;-D

*gotta shoehorn the J/S into the new canon somehow!*
fan_elune
Oct. 1st, 2005 12:55 am (UTC)
...

*loves you*

*so. much.*

This was perfect. Really. I think I really needed to read this.

So, thanks. A lot.
halfdutch
Oct. 1st, 2005 05:50 am (UTC)
Awww, thank you! I thought I didn't have any ideas for new canon, but redressing Sawyer wrongs is how I got into Lost fic in the first place, so yeah, this ep gave me some good material for that.

Thanks for reading!!
alliecat8
Oct. 1st, 2005 01:52 am (UTC)

This makes me want to go back and watch Adrift again, filling in Sawyer's thoughts in my imagination. Only this time with my finger on the FF button for the flashbacks. I like him being "insanely proud of himself" about removing the bullet; I think you're absolutely right! (who needs Doc, right dude? WRONG)
halfdutch
Oct. 1st, 2005 05:51 am (UTC)
Oh wow, that's such a compliment, thank you! I FFed through the flashbacks too. They're so damn pointless! *sticks out tongue at writers*

Thank you for liking that line. He does OK without the doc but it would better if he were there. *nods* ;-D
eponine119
Oct. 1st, 2005 01:52 am (UTC)
Yay, fic. And a lovely story it is too. Poor Sawyer. This is all just exactly right, and I love Sawyer regretting a little bit how he's treated Jack, especially the way it comes together in the last few paragraphs.
halfdutch
Oct. 1st, 2005 05:53 am (UTC)
Thank you! This just came to me and I dashed it off (unlike those other fics I'm slaving over, dammit! ;-D) I was hesitant to have it be too much of a retread of the ep itself so I'm very pleased that you liked it. Not much of an episode, but good fodder for fic! Hurrah for fandom! (And I love your icon!)
fenci
Oct. 1st, 2005 08:51 am (UTC)
What a great fic, I love how you write Sawyer's thoughts.
I like especially that you wrote something about Michael's pissy behavior, he was a real ass in this episode!
Just a question, did Sawyer call Jack's name at the beginning?
halfdutch
Oct. 1st, 2005 06:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you. Michael was really pissing me off and that's no way to treat Hero!Sawyer!

You know, I think Sawyer was calling for Jin. But we can pretend he was calling for Jack. ;-D
(no subject) - fenci - Oct. 1st, 2005 07:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
thatsaid
Oct. 1st, 2005 10:42 am (UTC)
This is just fantastic. I don't usually like fics which are just written versions of a scene, but this is perfect. There's too may lines I like to quote them all, they all seem to fit so well for the scene.

I'm running out of praising words. I need to invest in a thesaurus.

*adds to memories*
halfdutch
Oct. 1st, 2005 06:10 pm (UTC)
I don't usually like fics which are just written versions of a scene, but this is perfect.

I know exactly what you mean. I don't usually rewrite scenes but that's how this one occurred to me. I'm so happy you think it worked!

Thanks for reading! ;-D
uberaeryn
Oct. 1st, 2005 07:15 pm (UTC)
If Jack were here, he’d let him lean up against him, he’s fairly certain. Because now he’s cold and can’t sit up anymore. He falls over, blinking up at the night sky. He wishes he could see Jack again, just once, and tell him he gets it now, that he’s sorry. He gives himself up to the blackness, still trying to figure out just how he’d say it.

Forgot to tell you, loved all of it but this? LOVED THIS BIT!

*ded*
halfdutch
Oct. 1st, 2005 07:48 pm (UTC)
Awwww, thank you, thank you, ma'am! Thanks again for dropping everything and betaing!

*canoodles with you in a dark corner somewhere*
philomel
Oct. 2nd, 2005 07:29 am (UTC)
He falls over, blinking up at the night sky. He wishes he could see Jack again, just once, and tell him he gets it now, that he’s sorry. He gives himself up to the blackness, still trying to figure out just how he’d say it.

Wonderful internal examination of those scenes on the raft from Sawyer's perspective. It works perfectly in canon and fanon, the realization/connection with Jack. Lovely. :)
halfdutch
Oct. 2nd, 2005 05:06 pm (UTC)
Awww, you read fic! ;-D *kisses*

Thanks, hon! This is one of those spur-of-the-moment fics so I'm glad it came out OK. Poor Sawyer can't catch a break, can he?
(Deleted comment)
halfdutch
Oct. 2nd, 2005 08:53 pm (UTC)
Damn straight! If Jack were there, he'd have told Michael to STFU! And then fixed Sawyer right up. ;D
holycitygirl
Oct. 2nd, 2005 09:23 pm (UTC)
I just got to watch the first two eps and now I get to catch up on all the new fic.

This is awesome. Sooo sooo good. It makes my heart go out to Sawyer even more than it did as I was watching him all alone and bleeding. I wish Jack could fix him too.
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2005 01:31 am (UTC)
Thank you! ;-D I miss having Jack and Sawyer in scenes together. Thanks for reading!
dragonling
Oct. 3rd, 2005 03:30 am (UTC)
*cuddles and cossets Sawyer*
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2005 06:49 am (UTC)
Ooh, cuddling and cosseting! He certainly deserves it. Thanks for reading!
(no subject) - dragonling - Oct. 3rd, 2005 04:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - Oct. 4th, 2005 07:26 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - dragonling - Oct. 4th, 2005 05:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
zenana7
Oct. 4th, 2005 05:02 am (UTC)
Beautiful. And perfect. And exactly.
halfdutch
Oct. 4th, 2005 07:27 am (UTC)
Thank you. Whenever I've written something closely tied to canon it's usually because someone was mean to Sawyer, LOL. And I have to get in there and get his side of it a little more. ;-D Thanks for reading!
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