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Josh in 'Cold Heart'

So a total angel sent me a copy of this on DVD! *kisses* I'll watch anything with Josh in it so I'm very excited to have it in my hot little fangirl hands.

And I watched it, and I was giggling like crazy even before it starts. Because I've seen some caps and Josh has this awful Caesar haircut and I know I'm in for OMG!Bare!Josh!Ass! (Yes, there are caps here too!)

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Psycho!Josh


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Prison!Josh
WOW. Is it bad. The opening credits sequence is the camera circling above an imprisoned Josh (here playing a guy named Sean), who's in an orange suit and all sweaty and thinking bad thoughts. (And yes, it's in voiceover, LOL. It's that kind of movie.)

And the camera *keeps* circling and circling and circling. Eh. Stop being arty! But it gets worse! There's shots to his hands playing with those steel balls (heh) that are supposed to relieve tension and then it flashes back to why he's in jail - he tied up and assaulted a girlfriend. And she gets free and they struggle and GAH - the flash cuts!

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Spicy!Josh
And why is he sprinkling hot sauce on her stomach? Oh dear God. This is worse than I could ever have imagined.

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OverlyLit!Josh
Anyway, now he's in jail and his psychiatrist (a very badly aging Jeff Fahey - who gets top billing over Josh, btw) who's there to evaluate him. And he gets to call him "Doc." Hee.

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PlanningHisFutureWednesdays!Josh
And he's released and put up at some halfway home and the doc says "See you Wednesday." *Yes, I will be mentioning all Lost-like bits.*

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Sexy!New!Assistant!Josh
Sooo, then he gets hired as Natassia Kinski's assistant - she happens to be the Doc's wife and the Doc is cheating on her so she's up for a little payback, right? And already Josh is giving her that obsessed stare and playing with his balls again. Oh no, Josh! Hee. And can we take time out to laugh about Josh playing a glorified secretary?

Sean is seen tying his tie (creepily!) as he surveys a bunch of post-its on a wall about his new project - Natassia. And they say things like, "Her favorite flower is ..." Oooh, he's so creepy!

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Secretary!Josh
Heh. He's wearing a red shirt with a red tie. It's a bit offputting. Natassia works late. He works late. His plan is clicking. Look out Natassia! She tells him 'Let's call it a day," and he actually clasps his hands together and says, "A day." *groan* He offers to take her to dinner, she says, oops she's maried.

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Model!Josh
But at least he's put on a nice charcoal gray jacket and now the outfit works, at last! Whew!

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SexyIntruder!Josh
She's home alone, reading a book and the phone rings and she picks up but there's no one there. Scary music as we shift to Josh outside on a cell phone. And now he's snuck into the house! He's creeping up the stairs! He's in her bedroom! He's running his hand over her mouth. Ha, that woke her up. And now he's kissing her hand and gee, she doesn't mind so much about the illegal entry. And yes, that's because this is all a dream.

Now Josh is really at Natassia's house the next morning, helping her load some stuff into her truck. Will hubby see him? Will his gig be blown? Since it's only 35 minutes in so far, no.

Conversation on the (very scenic, oceanside) way to some work-related location is this. She asks him, "So how many girls are you juggling?" and he grins (dimples!) and says, "Who says I'm juggling?" He tells her he can't take girls his age serious. (The movie is dated 2002, so Josh would be 33 and Natassia would be 43.)

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Sensitive!Josh
By now, Josh has switched to a lighter gray suit, black shirt and blue tie. But since all his ties are shiny, we know he's not to be trusted!
Noticing her picking at her salad, he goes all Mr. Sensitive, and, with furrowed brow, asks her if she and her husband are going through a rough spot.

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Sheepish!Josh
She says she doesn't want to talk about it, he agrees it's none of his business and we get Sheepish!Dimples. Since work is done and they're on vacation (look, I don't know why they're there, it was explained in the non-Josh part!), he suggests they order margaritas. What woman can resist Josh, especially with liquor in her?

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Drunk!Josh
And in addition to the margaritas, he brings over a bottle of tequila and a pair of shot glasses and OMG they're going to play a drinking game! Which means Josh is 3 for 3 with this, Sabretooth and Lost. Except here, instead of 'I Never,' it's called 'Reply and Stay Dry.' Yes. Really. You think I could make that up? In this one, when you are asked a question you don't want to answer, you take a shot. And having already established she doesn't want to talk about her husband, who will end up drunker, ya think?

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Seductive!Josh
His last question of the evening (as they're slow dancing, the bottle now empty) is, "Will you spend the night with me?"

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NearlyNekkid!Josh
Cut to frantic, partial disrobing.

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OnTop!Josh
And then she's on top of him on the bed and then he flips her over. (Although he doesn't say, "That's better.") As Josh starts to get into it, we hear the crazed voices in his head and Natassia looks a little dubious as he ties his tie around her hand. But there's no real bondage, just quick cut SEX! and I'm guessing Josh didn't use a butt double. *slaps him on his very nice ass* (Apologies for no screen cap of teh butt here. It was just poor quality here, no doubt from repeated freeze framing! But more ass coming up. I promise!)

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PostSex!Josh
The next morning he brings her coffee and aspirin and she's all, 'You know last night I was really drunk." Uh oh. That's not what he wants to hear. Except instead of freaking out and getting his rage on, he tells her she's the most beautiful woman he's ever met. Uh oh. That's not what she wants to hear. But he switches from tender to professional in a heartbeat and it's cool, right?

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Groping!Josh
Except why during a screening (some kind of boring promotional film), does he put his hand on her knee? And then between her legs? (She just happens to be wearing very nice stockings and a garter belt, btw - convenient!)

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LustyWet!Josh
Which leads to lusty up-against-the-wall bathroom sex, with both of them splashing water on each other.

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OMG!JoshAss!
And here, at 49 minutes in is where we get the *real* Josh butt shot, assuming again, that really is his ass.

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PantySniffing!Josh
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Dominant!Josh
There's one more arty sex scene, in which they get tangled up in some gauzy curtains.

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StartingtoLoseIt!Josh
Then she tells him it's over, he takes it badly, blah blah blah. And starts playing with his steel balls again.

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ButIBoughtYouTheseFlowers!Josh
Things escalate until she fires him.

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Heartbroken!Josh
He cries to his shrink, who tries to tell him he has a pattern of finding mixed up women and thinking sex with them means more than it does.

And ... should I keep recapping? There's no more sex, LOL. But a big crazy showdown. ;-D


I should add although Josh is being encouraged to overact like crazy with the bugged out eyes and crazy looks, there's some nice subtle moments, like his breaking down at his shrink's or being so happy the morning after his rendez-vous. And then, of course, the sex and nudity! But yeah, overall a very crappy movie with horrible cliches and bad, bad editing. And the hair! It's just as bad (worse?) than Foxy's 'muskrat' wig.

(TBC?)

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Comments

( 35 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Deleted comment)
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2005 05:46 pm (UTC)
Hee hee. My pleasure. ;-D
swordofthejedi
Oct. 3rd, 2005 11:13 am (UTC)
hehe, loved the picture captions :-) thanks for the caps!!
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2005 05:47 pm (UTC)
Welcome! Always happy to to share the Josh!Love (and bad hair, LOL.)
corellianjedi
Oct. 3rd, 2005 12:44 pm (UTC)
But since all his ties are shiny, we know he's not to be trusted!
LMAO. That's awesome.
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2005 05:47 pm (UTC)
Ha. They obviously had one concept in dressing him - monochrome! And shiny! ;-D Or naked, LOL.

(no subject) - corellianjedi - Oct. 3rd, 2005 05:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - Oct. 3rd, 2005 06:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
arabella_hope
Oct. 3rd, 2005 12:44 pm (UTC)
I don't think my Monday morning could have had a better start...Josh caps and your humor! Now going to work won't be so bad ♥ - Thanks!
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2005 05:48 pm (UTC)
Yay. Glad it perked up your day. ;-D
thatsaid
Oct. 3rd, 2005 01:50 pm (UTC)
BWAHAH, the hair is AWFUL in some of the caps. Thanks a lot for sharing, I cracked up more than once.
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2005 05:49 pm (UTC)
Welcome. The hair is SO bad. There's a few moments where it's wet or mussed and he looks so much better. But that haircut makes his head look pointy. Eep!
iamalreadyinuse
Oct. 3rd, 2005 03:11 pm (UTC)
Heehee. Thanks for that! That haircut is awful, but how can it look so bad here and so good in "Sabertooth?" Guess it's the ceasar thing.
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2005 05:50 pm (UTC)
I think it's the combed-forward bangs here that make it so bad. In Sabretooth, as I recall, at least it's not a Caesar cut.

Poor Josh! I actually like him with shorter hair but it has to be a decent cut at least! Very few men can pull off a Caesar cut in my book: George Clooney and Russell Crowe!
vixerunt
Oct. 3rd, 2005 05:01 pm (UTC)
*steals josh!ass and pantysniffing!josh...leaves omgwtfisthat!hair for someone else*

Thanks for posting these! Now, if I fast forward to the sex scenes, is it worth a rental? ;-)

*steals a few shiny!ties too for uh...formal...occassions...like tying him down and doing naughty things to him*
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2005 05:53 pm (UTC)
Well, I've been known to watch complete crap just for my favorite actors so, yeah, I'd say it's worth a rent and a giggle. I'd put up clips if I knew how!

Sadly, the film didn't include Bondage!Josh. But we get enough of that on Lost, don't we? LOL.
(no subject) - vixerunt - Oct. 3rd, 2005 08:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - Oct. 3rd, 2005 11:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
alliecat8
Oct. 3rd, 2005 08:27 pm (UTC)
Oh my. I don't know whether to cringe or laugh my ass off. Poor Josh, do you think he knows how bad the movie was? And how bad his hair looked? We already know he has questionable taste (in shirts, anyway!), so maybe he thinks it was good? Oh Josh, sweetie, we need to talk....

Thanks for the butt shot. Now my life is complete. ;)
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2005 11:55 pm (UTC)
I do think he knows how bad it was. But it was his first movie and it was a big part, so he had to have been happy about that. But thank God he's on a series that showcases his talent. And yeah, worst hair ever! LOL.

Thanks for the butt shot. Now my life is complete. ;)

You're welcome! ;-D
misse1977
Oct. 3rd, 2005 08:37 pm (UTC)
Oh...
Josh...ass...*Thud*


It´s his alright. I can see the dimples in his lower back.

Heh.

Jack just HAVE to pay more attention to the ass.

*demands fanfiction*
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2005 11:56 pm (UTC)
Re: Oh...
You're right! Can't deny the back dimples! We all know Foxy's seen them because of all the skinny dipping! ;-D And Jack too, right?
Re: Oh... - misse1977 - Oct. 5th, 2005 10:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Oh... - halfdutch - Oct. 6th, 2005 01:57 am (UTC) - Expand
lillyjk
Oct. 5th, 2005 05:57 pm (UTC)
OMG-this is the best recap EVAH. now I must watch this film all the way through instead of fast-forwarding to the sex scenes like I had planned.

fabulous!
halfdutch
Oct. 5th, 2005 08:19 pm (UTC)
Tee hee, thanks! You just want to reach into the TV and shake everyone involved but I did quite enjoy it. The only scenes I fast-forwarded through were Doc and wife chats. Because - who cares? But Josh was in a lot, surprisingly. He must have been so happy to get such a big part, even in such a crappy movie.

inthekeyofd
Oct. 5th, 2005 06:12 pm (UTC)
Best recap!!

I have to see this movie now, and you know if I do, I'll be thinking about this recap.

But we do have back-dimples, and let's face it, those are the true meaning of life!!!!*smile*
halfdutch
Oct. 6th, 2005 01:52 am (UTC)
Tee hee, thanks. I had to share! Hurrah for the back dimples!

*licks your icon*
crystalkirk
Oct. 5th, 2005 07:23 pm (UTC)
But since all his ties are shiny, we know he's not to be trusted!

Hee! That damn Regis and his non-trustworthy trend starting, lmfao.

And yeah, it's been said, but I looked for the lower-back (ass) dimples too. Totally him or they found one hell of a double to match 'em. Which with the quality of this film? Doubtful. Heh.

Thanks for the recap, it was HIGH-larious! :)
halfdutch
Oct. 6th, 2005 01:55 am (UTC)
Heh. I guess this was circa the Reege's reign of terror on 'Millionaire', LOL.

I'm sure that IS him. But Natassia totally had a breast double though because the boobs in the film were *so* not 43 years old. ;-D Possibly her butt was doubled too. Good for Josh for doing his own asswork! (And is that even a word? Hee.)

Glad you enjoyed the recap. Maybe I saved some people the pain of actually sitting through the film themselves.
philomel
Oct. 5th, 2005 08:59 pm (UTC)
But since all his ties are shiny, we know he's not to be trusted!

*snerk*

SO shitastically bad. Hurray for the "scan" button! But those sex scenes are rather hot (even if they're not with Foxy, right?). :) *fondles his dimples*
halfdutch
Oct. 6th, 2005 01:56 am (UTC)
Hee. So does that mean you've seen it too? It super crappy! This is one of those movies that's only commendable for the sex scenes and for the unintentional laughs. I hate to think Josh would ever have chosen to wear his hair like that and it was some sort of horrible artistic vision of the director.
(no subject) - philomel - Oct. 6th, 2005 05:11 am (UTC) - Expand
belleimani
Oct. 7th, 2005 03:34 am (UTC)
Oh I love me some recaps. I so don't need to see it, just reading your take is perfect enough!
hkath
Oct. 7th, 2005 09:00 pm (UTC)
Wheeeee, I finally get to comment on this! (didn't want to look at it in an internet cafe, for obvious reasons)

I'm so glad I sent this to you, because no one could have come up with more hilarious captions OMG.

Josh and his balls of steel.

*snort*

*tries to figure out appropriate caption for panty-sniffing icon*
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