halfdutch (halfdutch) wrote,

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Josh in 'Cold Heart'

So a total angel sent me a copy of this on DVD! *kisses* I'll watch anything with Josh in it so I'm very excited to have it in my hot little fangirl hands.

And I watched it, and I was giggling like crazy even before it starts. Because I've seen some caps and Josh has this awful Caesar haircut and I know I'm in for OMG!Bare!Josh!Ass! (Yes, there are caps here too!)

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WOW. Is it bad. The opening credits sequence is the camera circling above an imprisoned Josh (here playing a guy named Sean), who's in an orange suit and all sweaty and thinking bad thoughts. (And yes, it's in voiceover, LOL. It's that kind of movie.)

And the camera *keeps* circling and circling and circling. Eh. Stop being arty! But it gets worse! There's shots to his hands playing with those steel balls (heh) that are supposed to relieve tension and then it flashes back to why he's in jail - he tied up and assaulted a girlfriend. And she gets free and they struggle and GAH - the flash cuts!

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And why is he sprinkling hot sauce on her stomach? Oh dear God. This is worse than I could ever have imagined.

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Anyway, now he's in jail and his psychiatrist (a very badly aging Jeff Fahey - who gets top billing over Josh, btw) who's there to evaluate him. And he gets to call him "Doc." Hee.

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And he's released and put up at some halfway home and the doc says "See you Wednesday." *Yes, I will be mentioning all Lost-like bits.*

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Sooo, then he gets hired as Natassia Kinski's assistant - she happens to be the Doc's wife and the Doc is cheating on her so she's up for a little payback, right? And already Josh is giving her that obsessed stare and playing with his balls again. Oh no, Josh! Hee. And can we take time out to laugh about Josh playing a glorified secretary?

Sean is seen tying his tie (creepily!) as he surveys a bunch of post-its on a wall about his new project - Natassia. And they say things like, "Her favorite flower is ..." Oooh, he's so creepy!

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Heh. He's wearing a red shirt with a red tie. It's a bit offputting. Natassia works late. He works late. His plan is clicking. Look out Natassia! She tells him 'Let's call it a day," and he actually clasps his hands together and says, "A day." *groan* He offers to take her to dinner, she says, oops she's maried.

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But at least he's put on a nice charcoal gray jacket and now the outfit works, at last! Whew!

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She's home alone, reading a book and the phone rings and she picks up but there's no one there. Scary music as we shift to Josh outside on a cell phone. And now he's snuck into the house! He's creeping up the stairs! He's in her bedroom! He's running his hand over her mouth. Ha, that woke her up. And now he's kissing her hand and gee, she doesn't mind so much about the illegal entry. And yes, that's because this is all a dream.

Now Josh is really at Natassia's house the next morning, helping her load some stuff into her truck. Will hubby see him? Will his gig be blown? Since it's only 35 minutes in so far, no.

Conversation on the (very scenic, oceanside) way to some work-related location is this. She asks him, "So how many girls are you juggling?" and he grins (dimples!) and says, "Who says I'm juggling?" He tells her he can't take girls his age serious. (The movie is dated 2002, so Josh would be 33 and Natassia would be 43.)

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By now, Josh has switched to a lighter gray suit, black shirt and blue tie. But since all his ties are shiny, we know he's not to be trusted!
Noticing her picking at her salad, he goes all Mr. Sensitive, and, with furrowed brow, asks her if she and her husband are going through a rough spot.

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She says she doesn't want to talk about it, he agrees it's none of his business and we get Sheepish!Dimples. Since work is done and they're on vacation (look, I don't know why they're there, it was explained in the non-Josh part!), he suggests they order margaritas. What woman can resist Josh, especially with liquor in her?

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And in addition to the margaritas, he brings over a bottle of tequila and a pair of shot glasses and OMG they're going to play a drinking game! Which means Josh is 3 for 3 with this, Sabretooth and Lost. Except here, instead of 'I Never,' it's called 'Reply and Stay Dry.' Yes. Really. You think I could make that up? In this one, when you are asked a question you don't want to answer, you take a shot. And having already established she doesn't want to talk about her husband, who will end up drunker, ya think?

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His last question of the evening (as they're slow dancing, the bottle now empty) is, "Will you spend the night with me?"

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Cut to frantic, partial disrobing.

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And then she's on top of him on the bed and then he flips her over. (Although he doesn't say, "That's better.") As Josh starts to get into it, we hear the crazed voices in his head and Natassia looks a little dubious as he ties his tie around her hand. But there's no real bondage, just quick cut SEX! and I'm guessing Josh didn't use a butt double. *slaps him on his very nice ass* (Apologies for no screen cap of teh butt here. It was just poor quality here, no doubt from repeated freeze framing! But more ass coming up. I promise!)

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The next morning he brings her coffee and aspirin and she's all, 'You know last night I was really drunk." Uh oh. That's not what he wants to hear. Except instead of freaking out and getting his rage on, he tells her she's the most beautiful woman he's ever met. Uh oh. That's not what she wants to hear. But he switches from tender to professional in a heartbeat and it's cool, right?

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Except why during a screening (some kind of boring promotional film), does he put his hand on her knee? And then between her legs? (She just happens to be wearing very nice stockings and a garter belt, btw - convenient!)

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Which leads to lusty up-against-the-wall bathroom sex, with both of them splashing water on each other.

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And here, at 49 minutes in is where we get the *real* Josh butt shot, assuming again, that really is his ass.

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There's one more arty sex scene, in which they get tangled up in some gauzy curtains.

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Then she tells him it's over, he takes it badly, blah blah blah. And starts playing with his steel balls again.

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Things escalate until she fires him.

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He cries to his shrink, who tries to tell him he has a pattern of finding mixed up women and thinking sex with them means more than it does.

And ... should I keep recapping? There's no more sex, LOL. But a big crazy showdown. ;-D

I should add although Josh is being encouraged to overact like crazy with the bugged out eyes and crazy looks, there's some nice subtle moments, like his breaking down at his shrink's or being so happy the morning after his rendez-vous. And then, of course, the sex and nudity! But yeah, overall a very crappy movie with horrible cliches and bad, bad editing. And the hair! It's just as bad (worse?) than Foxy's 'muskrat' wig.

Tags: josh

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