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Every Day is Exactly the Same

Title: Every Day is Exactly the Same
Characters: Jack, Sayid, Sawyer
Rating: PG
Summary: Sayid was right where Jack knew he’d be.
Note: “Missing” scene for What Kate Did. Belated birthday fic for uberaeryn. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! This was an idea I was kicking around for a while and then I saw a comment you made somewhere that you wanted a Jack/Sayid convo, so hope you like it. (Even though it's not remotely p0rny.) Kisses to themoononastick for the beta. Claiming for fanfic100 prompt, "Black."




Sayid was right where Jack knew he’d be.

He walked up the gentle rise to Shannon and Boone’s graves, the two rough crosses stark, unmistakable, even in the fading light. It was hard to distinguish Sayid’s silhouette against the darkening sky, but who else would be here at this hour?

During the walk from the hatch, Jack had tried to think what he could say to convince Sayid to come back with him. He arrived with no better idea than he had when he left.

Sayid didn’t acknowledge him, not even when he said his name softly. He was staring, not at the freshly dug grave, but out to sea, which grew a darker, inky blue with each passing second. Soon, there would be nothing but blackness.

“Sayid,” Jack began again. “You can’t stay stay out here forever.” There was no breath, no tears, no protest. Just silence.

Jack had lacked his father’s poker face when it was time to tell family members the worst had happened. Maybe it was his gravity or the brisk way he spoke, but Christian inspired stone-faced grief, soft implosions as the news sank in. The ones Jack lost, their loved ones would throw themselves into his arms with sobs or screams, or lash out with their words or their fists while he stood there, wasting time he didn’t have, until they were calm again.

Most of the bad news he’d delivered was done without words. One look at him, and the family always knew. Just as Shannon had known.

Maybe it was better to have this conversation in the dark.

“When’s the last time you ate?” Jack asked, keeping his voice even, careful not to push.

Back in civilization, Jack might have bought Sayid a drink. Given him a cigarette. Here, all he could do was hand him his water bottle. Sayid took it and drank deeply, draining the bottle. He kept ahold of it, instead of handing it back, his fingers tapping it lightly.

“I am not hungry,” Sayid said finally. His voice was quiet, but firm, a hint of an edge to it.

A bird sounded in the jungle, suddenly close and loud and Jack felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. “It’s not safe out here,” he said. “It’s time you think about coming back with me.”

“The birds cannot hurt us.”

“No, but something is making them restless.”

He could barely make out the details of Sayid’s face anymore in the deepening gloom. The louder and more riotous the sounds of the jungle grew, the quieter Sayid seemed, as if he were trying to fade into the ground or the ocean, which was now just an idea behind them, swallowed up by the night.

When he spoke again, Jack had to lean forward to hear him. “It was my fault.”

Jack was ready for this. “Shannon? How could that be your fault?”

“I didn’t believe her,” Sayid’s voice rose in fury, breaking with grief. “I thought ... I thought she was seeing things. Dreaming. What she said sounded mad. If I had only believed her, she wouldn’t have run off. You see? She ran from me to her death.”

Sayid. You can’t blame yourself.” Jack resisted an urge to reach out to clasp him on the shoulder.

“Don’t you blame yourself for Boone?”

“No,” Jack said after a long while. “I blamed Locke.”

“I know you better than that, Jack. You still lie awake at night, wondering what else you could have done for him, don’t you?”

Jack ignored how his heart pounded at being called out so accurately. “No,” he lied. “But I blamed myself when Claire was taken. I didn’t believe her. After everything I’ve seen here, things I knew weren’t possible, I fell back on science, on the logical answer. And she stopped trusting me. So she ran. What happened to her and Charlie, that was all my fault.”

“But she lived. They both did. And...”

”And what?”

“You didn’t love her.” The words fell like stones.

Jack rubbed his hand over his forehead. “I can’t imagine what it’s like for you, Sayid, to lose someone you've just found. But, believe me --”

Sawyer?”

“What?”

“You called me Sawyer.”

Jack stopped, ran his own words back through his head. “I did? I’m sorry. I guess I’ve spent so much time talking to him, trying to get him to respond.”

“Ahhh.” Sayid fell silent again. “So, will he live?”

“Yes, I think so.” Jack pictured him as he’d seen him last, his body finally still, the violent chills having at last subsided. He’d left him in Sun’s care, after the hour Jack had set for Sayid to return on his own had come and gone.

“Listen, you could come back, take a shift, watch him. It might ... help.”

He was surprised to hear what sounded like a laugh coming from Sayid. “You really think that my face is the one he’ll want to see when he finally wakes up?”

“And mine is?” Jack found himself laughing in return. “Maybe not. But at least he’d know he was back. Among friends.” He emphasized the last word. “Come on,” he said, standing up and holding out his hand. “Let’s go home.”

“I prefer to stay here. I don’t want to see,” he stopped, searching for the right word. “That woman.”

“You won’t have to. You can stay in the hatch. Push the button. Read some books. For as long as you like. As long as you need.”

A minute or more passed and Sayid slowly rose to his feet. “As you wish.”

---

Jack checked on Sawyer, who still slept like the dead, before turning his energies to getting Sayid to eat something and get some rest. Sayid obligingly nibbled at some fish and fruit, but somehow Jack ended up being talked into getting some sleep, with Sayid promising to keep an eye on Sawyer for a few hours.

He climbed into the top bunk, as he had every night since Eko had carried Sawyer in here, more dead than alive. He cast a discreet look down at Sayid, whose intent gaze was wholly focused on the comatose man in the lower bunk, as if he could will him better, just by looking at him. Satisfied, Jack closed his eyes, gave himself up to sleep.

---

The alarm was sounding, growing in volume and shrillness. He sat up, his heart thudding against his ribcage. How long had it been going off? The chair where Sayid had been was empty and when he checked on Sawyer, he too was gone. No. NO. He ran into the main room, ready to kill Sayid with his own hands. The counter was at 12 seconds. 11 ... 10 ... “SAYID!” Jack bellowed, turning around and around, searching for him.

He ran to the computer to enter the code, but froze at what he saw. A mangled mess of plastic, glass and wires. “NO!” he shouted.

He didn’t fight back when the hand clamped over his mouth. “It’s too late now. For all of us.”

Jack could only stare as the counter clicked down from 3 to 2.

“It’s better this way.” Sayid sounded perfectly calm. Jack closed his eyes, bracing for a blow or an explosion as the counter hit zero.

“I’m sorry,” Sayid whispered, and a bright white light filled the room.

---

“Sorry!”

The room went dark again and Jack reached out blindly, free from Sayid’s grasp suddenly. His hands scraped against something cool and metallic. The blinds. He was in the top bunk still. Just a dream. He put his hands over his face, letting the terror from the nightmare fade.

“Sayid?”

“Yes, I’m here. I’m sorry, I turned on the light by mistake. Go back to sleep.”

“It’s OK, I’m getting up. Perfect timing, actually. Was having a nightmare.”

Sayid flicked the light back on. He didn’t prompt him and Jack wondered whether to say anything. But then he realized maybe he finally knew how to start that conversation.

He climbed down, turned to the bottom bunk. Sawyer was asleep, just as he had been. His breath came in soft puffs against Jack’s hand. Everything was alright. Just a dream. Jack let out a deep breath.

He turned to Sayid. “I dreamed you destroyed the computer. So that ... whatever disaster we’ve been pushing the button to prevent from happening, would happen. So you would kill us all.”

Sayid didn’t say anything at first, his dark eyes simply resting intently on Jack’s face. Then his lips curved in a bitter half smile. “You think I’m a danger?”

“Are you?” Jack crossed his arms, then uncrossed them.

“To whom?”

“Her. Yourself.”

“Jack.” Sayid held his hands up, palms out. “She offered me her gun. She told me to shoot her. I could have killed her then.”

“None of us are going anywhere,” Jack said, trying to keep calm, but something in Sayid’s eyes, something feral, propelling him back into his dream. “Can you live with it? Seeing her every day?”

Sayid gestured toward Sawyer’s sleeping form. “You could ask him the same thing, if he ever comes to. What we did to him ... “

“Was something he wanted.” Jack’s voice held a warning. “We both know that. It was wrong and it got out of hand and there isn’t a day that I don’t regret it. We added it to our list of regrets, both of us.”

“We did it for Shannon.” Her name was barely audible. Sayid wasn’t even looking at him now, but through him. He took a step back, and then another, until the wall stopped him. “To save her life. Except that wasn’t the real reason. I wanted to kill him because I hated him. Because I thought he had tried to kill me.”

Jack stood still, just let Sayid speak, say what needed to be said.

“And when I found Locke was the one, I wanted to kill him. But I didn’t. I didn’t kill him for Shannon, when she asked me to. I swore I was done with that.”

“And now?”

“And now ... I watch a man who hates me. I hope that he lives. The man who attacked me is now my ally. I don’t have the luxury of revenge.”

Jack nodded. Sayid had stopped talking. He was pressing the heel of his hand hard against the bridge of his nose, as if that were the only thing holding him together.

Sayid would give him no more assurances than this. He would make no more confessions. He, like so many of them, had lied and manipulated for a living. Was, in all likelihood, lying now.

Jack sat down on the bunk, casting a glance at Sawyer, oblivious to the conflicts he would wake to. The same as before, only worse. All they did here was lie to each other every day. Lie to themselves. Rescue is inevitable. No one else will die. We are all safe. We are all in this together.

“Sure,” he said, finally, speaking to Sayid but not looking at him. “Everything will be fine.”

Comments

( 34 comments — Leave a comment )
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uberaeryn
Jan. 15th, 2006 07:10 pm (UTC)
ACK! THE PRETTY PAIN! CAPSLOCK OF DOOM SQUEE LOVESYOULIEKWHOA!

Maybe it was better to have this conversation in the dark.

He could barely make out the details of Sayid’s face anymore in the deepening gloom. The louder and more riotous the sounds of the jungle grew, the quieter Sayid seemed, as if he were trying to fade into the ground or the ocean, which was now just an idea behind them, swallowed up by the night.


*DIEZ*

Then you SKEERT me with the button pushing!

*heart still pounding*

</i>“And now ... I watch a man who hates me. I hope that he lives. The man who attacked me is now my ally. I don’t have the luxury of revenge.” </i>

ARGH! Yes. LOVES!

LOVES YOU!

*diez again*
halfdutch
Jan. 15th, 2006 07:13 pm (UTC)
Yaaay! You caught me as I was still tweaking, heh. Those last few lines were giving me trouble. ;-D

So glad you liked it! I've been thinking we needed a convo between them for *ages!* And Jack!comfort is never really that effective is it? LOL.

And woo, finally, I have bday fic for you! *BELATED SLOPPY BDAY KISS*
allthelivesofme
Jan. 15th, 2006 07:52 pm (UTC)
“Can you live with it? Seeing her every day?”

Excellent line. Now why couldn't that have been in the show, instead of the Montage of Giving Away Fish? Oy.

Anyway, good story! :-)
halfdutch
Jan. 15th, 2006 08:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you! And yes, we are in agreement there. Fie on the Montage of Giving Away Fish! ;-D
themoononastick
Jan. 15th, 2006 08:03 pm (UTC)
I've already said this once today, but I'm going to say it again now... I think that this is possibly one of the most perfect "missing scene" fics I have ever read. Every moment, every little nuance makes absolute sense and, dammit, belongs in and to the show.
Why the hell aren't you on the writing staff?

Your characterisation is spot on (as always), I could hear every word that they said and your picture perfect description meant that I could see them saying it too. And the tiny addition made it even better. ;)
Brilliant. I absolutely love it.
halfdutch
Jan. 15th, 2006 08:27 pm (UTC)
I think that this is possibly one of the most perfect "missing scene" fics I have ever read.
*blushes and bows* THANK YOU! That is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I'm not worthy! ;D

Why the hell aren't you on the writing staff?
Awww, if only! Wouldn't we all love a crack at playing with these characters for real? (As real as TV can be, that is, which to some of us is *quite* real, LOL.)

THANK YOU so much for the beta and the lavish words of praise. *starts the week on a high*

<<<333


eponine119
Jan. 15th, 2006 09:02 pm (UTC)
This was really good. There's such a mood to the entire piece, kind of a quiet resignation and a stillness that I really like. And I liked the idea of Jack and Sayid kind of teaming up, almost, and finding the things they have in common. It's unusual and it works.
halfdutch
Jan. 17th, 2006 02:43 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'd like to see them having some converssations, like they used to. I think Jack used to turn to him more for advice. And they have to deal with all the repercussions from Collision sometime. Just later, rather than sooner, I guess. I also wondered who, if anyone, Sayid would turn to for comfort or whether he's going to be the lone wolf. Sawyer and he almost seem to be switching places. (Ignoring Ana's presence as Sawyer 2.0, that is.)

*oops - stream of consciousness there, LOL.*
misse1977
Jan. 15th, 2006 09:19 pm (UTC)
And why wasnt these scenes in the show??

Any good reason?

Darn HalfDutch, when youre good you are really good. I loved how Sayid and Jack reflected over their wrongdoings towards Sawyer. You write so alive I dont know what is "the real" Lost and what is fanfiction sometimes. A real piece of gold, thisone! Thankyou!
halfdutch
Jan. 17th, 2006 02:45 am (UTC)
Ahh, thank you so much, hon. That means a lot to me. ;-D I hate it when they keep dropping plot threads but we can always pick them up again with fic.
ellel
Jan. 15th, 2006 10:40 pm (UTC)
sad,touching and plain beautiful missing scene.So real,so needed in 2x09.
Made me miss Shannon.*sighs*They blame themselves,Sayid is overwhelmed with grief and guilt...Such scenes remind me,how lucky they are to have Jack-he can be a lot of things,but he cares and he is there.And thats a lot.

Jack sat down on the bunk,casting a glance at Sawyer,oblivious to the conflicts he would wake to.The same as before,only worse.All they did here was lie to each other every day.Lie to themselves.
these few sentences left me pretty speechless.The same as before,only worse-absolutely true.
:)
halfdutch
Jan. 17th, 2006 02:53 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you! *blush*

I would love to see more interactions like this. Yes, Jack does care more about his current castaways than the Tailies. At least *my* jack does!! I mean, I think he wants peace, but not at the cost of the people he's been stranded with all this time.

I'm sure Sayid will have his moment, eventually, but putting it off in favor or more Tailie backstories, well that just felt like the wrong call, if you ask me!

And I guess this is my antidote to the Happy Fun Montage of Peace and Joy. Because they *don't* get along most of the time, even pre-Tailies! I guess the show is gearing up for the big conflict with The Others (my spec from this weeks' promo) but it would be more interesting if they kept up all the other ongoing conflicts as well, dontcha think? /rambling

Anyway, thanks for reading!
(no subject) - ellel - Jan. 17th, 2006 08:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - Jan. 20th, 2006 05:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
ficangel
Jan. 15th, 2006 10:46 pm (UTC)
Wow. I really wish that this had been in the show.
halfdutch
Jan. 17th, 2006 02:59 am (UTC)
*bows*

Thank you! ;-D They have to get to *some* of this *sometime.* I hope!
rogueapprentice
Jan. 16th, 2006 01:20 am (UTC)
NICE. Spot on. :)
halfdutch
Jan. 17th, 2006 03:00 am (UTC)
THANK YOU! ;-D I'm glad you approve!
cynthia_arrow
Jan. 16th, 2006 01:46 am (UTC)
Wonderful intersection of Jack and Sayid's stories, and Sawyer's. You used canon so well to tell a story I can imagine seeing on the screen. Loved the dream. Loved how well you wrote Sayid's unnerving quiet. And I would never have thought of the distinction between losing Boone and letting Claire get kidnapped, and how neither were the same as Sayid losing Shannon. Thanks.
halfdutch
Jan. 17th, 2006 03:15 am (UTC)
Thank you! That's so lovely to hear, that it seemed like canon to you. The show is so busy this season, a lot seems to be getting dropped. I always love going back and reexamining earlier events in light of new ones, but the actual show doesn't seem to have time for that anymore. But, hey that's what fic is for, right? That and the pr0n!
foxxcub
Jan. 16th, 2006 04:47 am (UTC)
*blinks*

Um, wow, hon. You...just laid it all out. One fell swoop. You made me appreciate Sayid all over again. This is probably some of your best work EVER.

*sits in awed pensiveness*
halfdutch
Jan. 17th, 2006 03:30 am (UTC)
*enormous grin*

THANK YOU!!

*is blown away*

<<<333

And dammit, I hope we get something kinda, remotely similar on the show. One of these days. ;-D


zenana7
Jan. 16th, 2006 06:26 am (UTC)
Intensity of feelings, angst and darkenss. Lyrical tone, each character so well captured.

Was a little confused, because Jack said Sayid, but Sayid heard Sawyer -- intentional? Either way, I like the confusion of names, and the reference back to that exchange between these three men (Confidence Man is one of my favorite eps), and the reminder that that was all about Shannon, lest we forget.
halfdutch
Jan. 17th, 2006 03:37 am (UTC)
Thank you! ;-D

You know, I debated whether actually write him as saying "Sawyer," but then I figured it's his POV and he *thought* he said Sayid. But if I were writing this as dialogue in script, he would have to say "Sawyer." So maybe I should have done that here too. Hope that didn't throw you too much.

And there cannot be enough reference back to Confidence Man. Ever! That's the ep that really cemented my love for the show and what got me writing fanfic in the first place. ;-D

I liked the idea of things past still having repercussions (isn't that one of the big themes of the show, in a way, with the flashbacks?) And I'd love to see Sayid circle back and think that was partly done for Shannon, when she didn't really mean anything to him.
assassinofjoy
Jan. 16th, 2006 12:19 pm (UTC)
DUDE. I'm not normally one to read anything less than "R" ... the born perv in me doesn't usually allow it (=P) but damn. This is just lovely, the melancholy and the weight of the grief all around. The pacing is spot-on, and you captured the boys beautifully, Sayid especially. I held my breathe at the countdown fake-out (which was freaking eville, btw *highfives*

Lovely, lovely =D
halfdutch
Jan. 17th, 2006 03:41 am (UTC)
Awww, thanks for taking a chance on a non-smutty story! ;-D

That is such sweet, wonderful, amazing fb. And woo, the dream suspense worked! Very glad to hear that.

Thanks for reading!
alliecat8
Jan. 16th, 2006 05:20 pm (UTC)
I love how you fleshed out so many things that have been glossed over in canon. We didn't see nearly enough Sayid-reaction to Shannon's death, so you gave us more, and I love you for it. They should have deeper issues with HER presence than they do (Sun the Welcome Wagon Lady, fish, PUHleez), so you wrote them in. Jack and Sayid should have ongoing remorse for what they did to Sawyer, and here they do. I love it that you pointed out that it was what Sawyer wanted, though, and that you brought up the fact that Sayid did it for Shannon, though he had selfish reasons, too. You really delved into some deep issues here, and made me see some things that I hadn't really noticed before. And the ending was just...amazing. They lie to themselves and each other all the time. Wow, so true.

Thanks so much for writing this. I loved it!
halfdutch
Jan. 17th, 2006 03:52 am (UTC)
I was just thinking that show is like a fast-moving caravan (or a boat, is that a better metaphor? LOL) and they keep tossing so much off to the side and abandoning, it don't they? And we're just following in their wake and salvaging all the neglected storylines. And there are SO MANY of them! I hope they pick some back up again.

I only wish that issues like Jack and Sayid's remorse over Sawyer would resurface. Ditto the fact that Sayid had done it (ostensiby) for Shannon. But I'm not holding my breath!

And I guess I wanted to counteract the (unwarranted) mood of joy and peace at the end of the last ep with a more somber mood. I think they sometimes go too far towards the sappy side to counteract a dark ep (like the infamous peanut butter!) or in preparation for one, like the upcoming run-in with The Others, I guess. But it always bothers me when they do that! It's a dark show. They should just embrace that!

Thank you for such lovely fb!! *smooches you*

gottalovev
Jan. 18th, 2006 06:01 pm (UTC)
I think they are throwing away possible good stuff too, in making so much happen so fast. This "missing scene" is a perfect illustration of what could have been. Well even what 'should' have been, because it's so good.

great story. perfect voices. *hugs*
halfdutch
Jan. 20th, 2006 05:38 pm (UTC)
Awww, thanks! I think we may still get a variation on this scene. Jack needs to see where Sayid stands now, don't you think?

But hey, if not, then that's why there's fanfic, right?

So glad you liked it! ;-D

hkath
Feb. 28th, 2006 04:53 pm (UTC)
Wow. How did I miss this the first time? This was crazy perceptive, and weirdly enough a great overview of the mood and the tensions in the show, almost like a primer for good fic.


“And now ... I watch a man who hates me. I hope that he lives. The man who attacked me is now my ally. I don’t have the luxury of revenge.”


That sent a chill down my spine for being so very cold and full of despair. Plus, Sayid's voice in this whole thing is just perfect. I'm not a huge Sayid-in-fic person but I think I'd be interested in reading more of him from you.
halfdutch
Mar. 1st, 2006 06:07 pm (UTC)
Wow, thank you, love!

I can't ever end up slashing Sayid but I wouldn't mind writing him again. He's been so underserved by the show since about midway through S1.

Thanks so much for your kind words! *grins from ear to ear*
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