halfdutch (halfdutch) wrote,

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The Curse of Craphole Island (Crack!fic - PG-13)

Title: The Curse of Craphole Island
Pairing: Mild Jack/Sawyer
Summary: Complete and total crack!fic
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Up through "Dave," although this departs considerably from canon
Notes: Happy Birthday themoononastick! This was inspired by a prompt from gobsmackit, who wanted "Sawyer and a rabbit." I wrote a ficlet for that, and then this plot bunny happened, loosely derived from a certain Wallace & Gromit movie. Hugs and kisses to my betas, the fabulous foxxcub and the incomparable philomel. Using fanfic100 prompt "What?"
Word count: 4042

Sawyer woke up crankier than usual and it wasn't just the fleeting memory of some very wild dreams. He'd had to put up with all kinds of inconveniences since landing here, but being rudely awakened at the crack of dawn was something a body never got used to.

"What the hell is going on?" Sawyer threw back the flaps to his tent. Wearing only his jeans, he started to march with fierce purpose over to the source of the noise, a heated argument between Sun and Jin, with Kate trying to moderate.

Charlie and Hurley stood by, watching the argument with interest, like it was taking place on a football field and fists were going to start flying any second.

"I wouldn't stick my nose in there, mate." Charlie threw out a restraining hand to catch Sawyer's arm as he strode past.

"Oh yeah? Why not?" Sawyer scowled, shaking off the unwelcome touch.

"Well, for starters, getting between man and wife isn't exactly the most brilliant of ideas. Even Kate's adding more fuel to the fire."

And from the looks of it, Kate wasn't helping at all. Both Sun and Jin were gesturing wildly and their voices were just getting louder and louder. Finally Jin stomped off in anger and Sun walked off in the opposite direction, her usually serene face a thundercloud.

"Korean peace talks failed?" Sawyer shouted to Kate, who smiled feebly at him.

"Yeah," she sighed, coming over to join them, her face knit in a frown. "Sun thinks Jin tore up her garden again because he doesn't want her working out there alone after what happened. But he swears it wasn't him this time."

Neither Charlie nor Sawyer chose to look at each other in that moment. "Sun's garden? Bummer," Charlie said, with an expression of pure innocence. "Who d'you think it was?"

"What's more like it," Kate said with the air of an expert, coming closer as if she were imparting a secret. "Could be the boars, rooting for vegetables. But the tracks aren't right. I don't know. The whole place is completely trampled. It's ruined." She paused and then added mysteriously, "If I didn't know better I'd say it was a giant..."

"Asshole?" Sawyer offered and when Kate opened her mouth to reproach him, he put up his hand. "Hey, it wasn't me."

"I didn't say it was. But we've got to do something about this. First something uproots that mango tree, now the garden is destroyed." She sighed and looked appropriately mournful.

"Someone is going after our food." They turned to look at Sayid, who had silently joined them. He wore his usual serious expression and stood there with arms crossed, like a bouncer at a club none of them would ever be let into. "This is more than a coincidence," he continued. "What animal would do this? This is a series of attacks. We must set up a perimeter, keep watch."

"Or it's just something with a big mouth and a bigger stomach," Sawyer snorted.

"Don't look at me!" Hurley cried indignantly when everyone did, in fact, turn to look at him. "I don't even like vegetables!" He stepped forward, as if he might launch himself at Sawyer, who wore a "Who me?" expression. But Charlie lightly held Hurley back, like he had with Sawyer.

"You know, Sawyer has a point," Charlie added quickly. "Whatever could kill the pilot and leave him at the top of a bloody tree could uproot a whole tree, easy."

"Look, what are you all worried about?" Sawyer groused. "There's plenty of fish in the sea and from the looks of things, Dharma's gonna keep right on deliverin' till doomsday, so who cares about a few measly vegetables?"

For some reason, Hurley and Charlie had started pointing at something and giggling before he'd finished talking.

"And what hell is so damn funny, Jabba?"

"Yeah, we got an endless supply of food, but your jeans have seen better days, dude," Hurley chuckled, pointing to Sawyer's backside.

Sawyer twisted to see what they were laughing at. He hadn't even noticed the breeze from the rip in the seat of his jeans. And, as usual, he had foregone the unnecessary burden of boxers. By now both Kate and Sayid were giggling as well, and there was only so much public humiliation Sawyer liked first thing in the morning.

Sawyer blushed bright red. He had two choices: Carefully back up all the way to his tent or turn and walk away slowly, as if he didn't care that his ass was hanging out for everyone to see. He chose to turn around and slowly stroll back like he didn't have a care in the world. He whistled, affecting an air of nonchalance. Or maybe just to drown out the gales of laughter behind him.

He rummaged around his tent and found another pair and was just pulling them on when Kate stuck her head in.

"I saw you, you know," she said with a malicious snicker.

"I know, I know, you all saw the peep show. Hope you enjoyed yourselves." He zipped up his jeans with as much dignity as he could muster.

"No, no. Yesterday morning. Coming out of the jungle." He didn't like that smirk she was wearing.

"Yeah? And just what was I doing?"

"Well, I don't know. That's what I wanted to ask you. What were you doing buck naked at dawn in the jungle, Sawyer?"


Jack finally had a moment's peace in the hatch, now that Locke was dozing, and he stretched out on the couch, happy to hear Patsy Cline instead of John calling for a new book or for him to change the music.

Even Sawyer hadn't been this much of a nuisance as a patient. Which, Jack had to admit, was only because he was unconscious the whole time he'd occupied the bottom bunk. Locke, on the other hand, was alert and irritable and seemed to think that Jack existed only to fetch and carry.

News of the vegetable-raiding monster had reached the hatch slowly. Kate didn't seem to think it was boars, and Locke was laid up, so no one could say for sure.

So Sayid enlisted Eko and they set about building pits and stringing up pulleys and deadfalls and things that Jack might have known about if he'd ever actually been the boy scout Sawyer so often accused him of being. Whatever merit badges Jack had earned couldn't begin to compare to Locke or Sayid or Eko's in island survival.

And it turned out to be a wild goose chase anyway. Sayid glumly reported they'd found the traps smashed in the morning, with no guilty creature caught inside.

Jack's thoughts on the subject were interrupted by Hurley, who hemmed and hawed before coming to his point.

"OK, I saw something in the jungle but, hey, since it's me and I've been known to see things that aren't really there and all, I figured I'd tell you, since I don't want to cause a frenzy. ‘Cause if what I saw is real, then ... well, I'm not saying it's not possible, it's just ... I mean, Dude!"

"Wait, slow down," Jack said, waving his hand. "Let's just start at the beginning. What did you see?"

Hurley shifted uncomfortably, not meeting Jack's eye. "You're not going to believe me," he said flatly. "You never believed me about the numbers and they're everywhere!"

"Try me." Jack was too tired for this game.

"A rabbit." Hurley said it fast and under his breath, the better to take it back later.

"A rabbit? Tore up Sun's whole garden? And a tree? And smashed all those traps?"

"It wasn't any rabbit, OK?" Hurley said hotly. "It was taller than me! And dude, I'm taller than you, so this was a biiiiig rabbit," he said, waving his arms for emphasis. When Jack just looked at him blankly, Hurley sighed deeply. "See, I knew you wouldn't believe me."

"I see," Jack nodded seriously. "Well, a giant rabbit would explain a lot."

"It would?" A tentative smile crossed Hurley's face.

"Sure. Rabbits love vegetables. And they're hard to catch. But see the thing is, Hurley, they don't come that big." And he broke into a knowing smile.

Hurley let out an exasperated sigh. "They do," he insisted stubbornly. "Look, I know you think I'm crazy or high or something. Because yeah, giant rabbits, not the most original of hallucinations. Only I'm not Jimmy Stewart in that movie and usually I see a bald guy in a bathrobe, so I'd say this was a little different, wouldn't you?" His voice had risen in pitch as he talked and he'd inched closer and closer to Jack, until he was practically forcing him between the seat cushions.

"Calm down, Hurley," Jack said, holding his hands up. "Look, there's got to be a rational expla--"

"You bet there is," Hurley shouted. "THERE'S A FUCKING HUGE RABBIT OUT THERE." Seeing the continued blank look on Jack's face, he shook his head in disgust and turned to go.

"I guess you think everyone was lying about that polar bear too," he yelled over his shoulder.


That's when Jack heard a noise he hadn't heard in the hatch before. An odd, whirring sound. Instantly on alert, he followed the noise to its source: Sawyer hunched over a machine, swearing up a storm.

"What are you doing?"

Sawyer just scowled. "Why, you think you can do it better?"

"Wait are you ... sewing?"

"Yeah, add it to my list of talents."

He watched Sawyer struggle with feeding the material -- his jeans by the looks of it -- through the machine and suppressed a smile. "I think you do need help."

"You really know how to do this? Well, hell." When Jack nodded, he stood up and gave up his seat with a flourish of hands. "All yours."

"That's quite a hole, there Sawyer," Jack observed as he examined the split along the seam. "How'd that happen?"

"Damned if I know. Wasn't there last night."

"You sleep in your jeans?"

"Not most nights, no. But last night, yeah. I just thought I should be ... prepared."

"Prepared for what?" Jack said, peering up at Sawyer.

Sawyer pursed his lips, and then, after a minute or so passed, let out a deep sigh. "I've been having these weird dreams. Like I've been running around all night. Like ..."

He stopped and Jack prodded. "Like ...?"

"Well, like I'm runnin' around without a stitch on." Jack raised his eyebrows and Sawyer quickly added, "Yeah, I know, I do that sometimes. But not at night. In the jungle. I mean, who the hell knows what's out there?" And he shuddered.

"Especially now." Jack couldn't help smiling. "Hurley seems to think it's a giant bunny."

"What did you say?" Sawyer had gone white.

"A rabbit. He swears he saw one who was taller than him and ... hey, are you all right?"

Sawyer moved to the couch, his head dropping into his hands. "Dammit. It's not just a dream."

"Wait. You saw it too?"

"No. I am it, you idiot. It all adds up. Kate said she saw me comin' out of the jungle one morning."

"And you were, uh ..."

"Naked. As a jaybird, apparently."

"Mmm hmm. Go on." Jack's lips had nearly disappeared inside his mouth as he fought a smile.

Sawyer gave him a hard glare and then went on. "Shit. I can feel it. My nose twitches. My ears twitch. Hell, I think I even have a tail that twitches. And, more'n anything I just really want," and he dropped his voice to a near-whisper, like he was deeply ashamed. "... carrots."

Jack's mouth twitched and then he lost the battle, his head falling forward as he collapsed into a fit of giggles. "You and Hurley, my God, Sawyer. The pair of you..." But at Sawyer's stricken expression, he finally sobered up. "You think you're turning into a giant rabbit at night?"

"Yeah," Sawyer said nervously. "Gotta be that tail that ruined my jeans, right?"

Jack ran his hands over his head, at a loss for words. "Uh well, I don't know. Stand up. OK, turn around."

Sawyer obeyed and Jack leaned forward, hitching up Sawyer's shirttail to peer at his denim-clad ass. "Nope, don't see a tail. Except maybe a whopper of a Tall Tale."

"You think I'm lyin," Sawyer huffed, pulling his shirt out of Jack's hands and turning around quickly. "I didn't say I had one now, genius. Look, it must only happen at night. You gotta cure me, doc. I can't go on like this. I'm ... I'm A GODDAMNED RABBIT!"

And his chin wobbled in a fair imitation of a rabbit.

"OK, OK," Jack nodded. "Tell you what. Tonight, I'll sedate you. And then maybe you won't, er, change. Or go far, at least."

"Really? You'd do that?"

"Sure," Jack said, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "Of course."

"Thank God," Sawyer sighed. "I'd hate to lose another pair of jeans."


"Shouldn't I be locked up in some tiny room in the hatch?" Sawyer had swallowed the sedatives and sat looking accusingly at Jack. They were in his tent, a location that did not meet with Sawyer's approval.

"I'm sure that's not necessary. If you start sleepwalk-, er, changing, I'm sure I can catch it in time."

"You think I've just been sleepwalking?" Sawyer was on his feet and up in Jack's face with an angry scowl. "That's just great. I'd give good money to see your face in a few hours when you've got one giant, pissed-off bunny on your hands."

"I've got some backup measures in place," Jack lied smoothy. What he had was a group of curious onlookers, who were all gathered outside Sawyer's tent, waiting to see if Sawyer actually would change into a huge rabbit. Charlie had been taking bets on the whole thing, with odds running 20-1 against. Hurley had placed a sizable bet; all his Dharma food stash for unspecified personal services, details to be worked out later, but no one was worrying about that just now.

The effects of the sedative were already apparent. Sawyer sat down heavily on his bedroll, atilt like a sinking ship. Through a huge yawn, he advised Jack, "If you took a vote, betcha the natives would prefer I'd be locked up somewhere instead of free to terrorize the countryside."

Jack helped him lie down, making soothing noises.

"Can't believe ... you didn't ... jump at the chance ... to get me tied up again," Sawyer mumbled through another yawn, and then he was out.

"Next time," Jack said with a smile. He sat with him for a few more minutes. There was no transformation. He let out a breath, realizing he'd been holding it. He hadn't really expected anything to happen.

He stepped out of the tent to address the collected hordes of Sawyer watchers. Sayid and Eko stood ready with flickering torches and a few people held pieces of wreckage or hand-whittled clubs.

"Well, false alarm, everyone," Jack announced.

Mild murmurings of disappointment or possibly relief rose from the group. Hurley's face fell.

"Sawyer's fast asleep so you can all go back to --" Jack was saying when a tremendous howl came from the tent behind him.

"Uhhhh, dudes ... " Hurley said, pointing uselessly since all eyes were on the tent as it rose up from the ground while a huge, indeterminate shape inside shook it fiercely.

Within seconds, the tent was tossed aside, revealing a giant mass of white fur, floppy ears and angry red eyes. The thing threw back its head and let loose another unearthly howl.

The group scattered, shrieking, up the beach. Jack stood there, dumbfounded, until Hurley grabbed him by the elbow. "Maybe now's a good time to RUN!"

And run they did, with most of the castaways taking refuge in their tents or crouching behind trees, some even running pell-mell for the relative safety of the surf.

"This way!" Sayid shouted and Eko, Hurley and Jack and several others quickly formed a loose posse, herding the giant beast along the path to the hatch. They goaded him on, waving their torches, beating sticks and yelling insults.

"Yaaah!" shouted Charlie, clearly enjoying himself as he brandished a stick nearly as big as him.

The creature roared and bellowed but they were relentless, not stopping until they reached the hatch.

They had the thing cornered and it reached for a tree, uprooting it easily. It threw it at the nearest torch, just missing flattening Eko, who jumped and let out a most undignified squeak.

"We've got to get him inside," Jack shouted. "Drive him into the arsenal."

"Way ahead of you," Hurley said. He held up a box of Dharma-brand Oreo cookies. He shook the box and took one out, making a big display of twisting it apart and then slowly licking the filling. "You like these don't you? Well, come and get ‘em you big furry bully!"

The creature lunged forward and Hurley ran as fast as he could for the hatch door. The rabbit followed and the posse was hot on their heels.

"What the hell's going on out there?" Locke called from the bedroom. "Sounds like you got a pack of boars in here."

"No, it's ... NEVERMIND," Charlie yelled back breathlessly. "We'll tell you in the morning."

Hurley tripped and panicked, throwing the cookies behind him. The rabbit pounced and Hurley ducked and covered -- there was an explosion and a shower of crumbs rained down.

"Quick, give it something else it wants!" Charlie shouted as it turned over the bookcase and began chewing on some of the books. "Don't let it get the records! Bad, Sawyer. BAD!"

"What does Sawyer like?" came the frantic cry and they fell to a heated discussion.

"PORN!" Charlie screamed -- nearly tearing his hair out as the rabbit sniffed in the direction of the vinyl records. They all turned to look at him. "C'mon, we all know he took all the Playboys."

"Well, unless we've got actual bunnies, I don't think Playboy can help us out here," Jack sighed. "Wait, Kate!" he exclaimed.

And of course, Kate was there, behind them, having surreptitiously joined their party. "What?" she asked warily.

"Well, go kiss him or something. It might turn him back into Sawyer!"

"Oh no," Kate said, shaking her head firmly. "I'm not falling for that again."

But the SawyerBunny had heard her voice and turned in her direction. It stopped in its destruction of the couch and lumbered over to her. She froze while it sniffed her hair experimentally.

She held out a hand and it rubbed one furry cheek against her outstretched fingers. It sat, closing its eyes contentedly as she cautiously began scritching it behind the ears.

"Man, just like King Kong," Hurley breathed reverently.

At Hurley's voice, the creature's head jerked up and it sniffed the air again. Catching sight of Jack, it lunged straight at him.

Jack let out a strangled cry and ran for the door to the bedroom, but the rabbit was too fast for him. In one giant bound, it had knocked him to the floor. Jack had his hands up to defend himself, but instead of getting chewed to bits by those giant buckteeth, the thing started enthusiastically licking at his hands and face. And then it turned around on top of him a few times, like it was making a bed. Then it settled down in his lap and started washing itself.

"Get it off me!" Jack demanded as loud as he dared but no one made a move to help him.

"I think he likes you," Sayid said, with more than a trace of a snigger in his voice. "You have managed to tame the savage Sawyer, Jack."

"He's crushing me!" Jack whimpered as the bunny snuggled closer, tucking its head down next to his.

"Now Jack, it's just a bunny," Kate giggled. "Damn, I wish I had a camera."

"Hurley, come help me," Eko said, gesturing towards the slumbering bunny. He and Hurley crept up behind the beast and pulled with all their strength. It roared to life and shook itself, flinging them off in separate directions like they were weightless clods of dirt.

Jack didn't need to be told to run. He dashed for the arsenal and with the rabbit in hot pursuit, he jumped to the side at the last second. Sayid sealed the door and spun the lock and Jack slowly got to his feet, his chest heaving.

"That should hold him until morning. When, I guess, he's going to be just Sawyer again."

But, as if he recognized his own name, the beast threw itself against the door. The walls shook and Sayid and Jack eyed each other nervously. The door held, but Jack started to wince as the door shook repeatedly with the impact of the bunny's angry assault.

"He's going to hurt himself!" Kate cried. "Jack, do something!"

"OK," he sighed. "Bring me some pillows and blankets."

"You're going to cushion the door?" Sayid asked.

"No," Jack said, as Charlie handed over the bedding he'd hastily gathered. "I'm going in there." They all looked at him as if he'd lost his mind. "Look, for some reason, he's calm around me. So he won't hurt me. And he won't hurt himself. It's the only way."

"OK," Sayid said, nodding seriously.

They stood back as Sayid opened the door. He nodded to Jack and he ran in and Sayid slammed the door shut behind him.

"He'll be fine," Charlie said after a few moments' silence. "If anyone can survive a night with a giant rabbit, my money's on Jack."

"Dude," Hurley said, lighting up. "I totally forgot. 20 to 1, is that what those odds were? I think it's time we start going over just what you owe me."

"Crap," Charlie sighed as they all trailed out of the hatch one by one. "Of all the times for a hallucination to turn out to be the real thing. Did I ever tell you ‘bout the time you appeared to me as Jesus?"

"I would say stranger things have happened, but ..." Hurley shrugged, jerking a thumb back in the direction of the hatch.


It took a few seconds for Sawyer to realize where he was. Sealed inside the arsenal. Naked. With Jack. Who was snuggled up against him, still sleeping.

He jerked Jack awake roughly. "It happened, didn't it? Now do you believe me, Jackass?"

"Yeah, Sawyer. It's all true," Jack said sleepily. "But we may have found a way to make it stop."

"Thank God!" Sawyer cried, sitting up and pulling the blanket around him.

"Well, not stop, maybe, but at least we know what you want in your bunny state. Even more than vegetables."

"What's that?"

"Apparently, you just need a good cuddle."

"I WHAT?" Sawyer yelled. And then more quietly, he added, "Look, I wasn't going to say anything, under the circumstances. But I. Am. Not. A. Cuddler."

"Sorry, Sawyer. Turns out, deep down, you're just one big snugglebunny."

"Snugglebunny? SNUGGLEBUNNY?" Sawyer sighed deeply and sat back down. He was never going to live this down. He looked at how broadly Jack was smiling and he knew everyone else knew it too.

"Might take a few more nights to kick this rabbit habit of yours," Jack continued with that infuriating grin.

"Just my luck," Sawyer mumbled. "So how come you're in here instead of Kate?"

"Have you ever tried arguing with a 6-foot-tall rabbit?" Jack laughed. "Seems the only way to win is to give it what it wants."

"And you're telling me I wanted you?"

"Apparently." Jack had the good grace to blush at least.

"Huh. Well, I also recall a mighty big hankerin' for carrots, which aren't my usual thing either so ..."

But there was no more talking to Jack, who was laughing too hard to answer him.

"Snugglebunny, my ass," Sawyer muttered under his breath. Actually, although he'd never admit it, he didn't mind carrots that much. But a man had to have some secrets left.
Tags: jack/sawyer, lost: crack!fic, lost_fic, lost_fic_s2, sawyer

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