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Who Loves Ya, Baby? Fic

Title: Who Loves Ya, Baby?
Summary: Suddenly, everyone just loves Sawyer.
Rating: R/Lite NC-17
Spoilers: None
Note: Sigh, I just can't stay away. Apologies to RL and all the other fics that were ahead of this one in the pipeline. My Sawyer muse tickled my funny bone and made me write this one first. It’s just *irredeemably* silly and there’s no explanation for it. Really.


“I love you, Sawyer!” Kate exclaimed, bursting into Sawyer’s tent.

He looked up from his book, too startled to smirk. “Come again?”

Sawyer was sure he hadn’t heard Kate right, but he didn’t really have time to think about it because she had already launched herself at him, covering his face with kisses and tearing at his clothes.

“Hold on Freckles, where’s the fire?” he asked her impatiently, trying to get his breath back after she all but devoured his mouth. But she was trying to set some sort of land speed record for getting his clothes off because before he knew it, his jeans were lying crumpled on the ground and her bra was on one side of his tent and her panties on the other.

“Hang on ... Kate? Jesus! God! .... Oh, hell,” he said incoherently as his higher-brain function switched off.

“Mmm, that was great,” she said enthusiastically as he lay there panting afterward. “Oops, guess I better get going!”

“Uh, bye?” he managed to say as she swept out, her clothes just barely thrown back on.

He stood up to put his jeans back on when he heard another very cheerful female say, “Oh, keep them off, please.”

Sawyer jumped, holding his jeans up strategically before seeing who it was. Shannon’s head was just peeking into the tent.

“You lost, Sticks?” he asked her, his surprise turning into hostility. What the hell was going on today?

“No, I came to tell you I love you, Sawyer!”

“Is this some kind of joke?” he asked, glaring at her. “Because it ain’t funny.”

“I would never joke about my love for you,” Shannon said, and damned if she didn’t look hurt.

“Uh, I see,” Sawyer said, still awkwardly hiding behind his jeans. She walked toward him, slowly peeling off her clothes.

“Ordinarily, I’d be right there with you,” he said, taking in her nakedness with increasing interest. “But I’ve been a little busy today and...”

“That’s OK,” she said. “I can wait.” She sat down delicately on his chair, produced some nail polish and began calmly painting her toenails.

Sawyer couldn’t quite recall being in a situation like this one before. Women lining up to fuck him! Well, all right, there was that one time when Charlene and Diane both ... and then that other time with Alicia and Jennifer. He smiled, allowing himself to be lost in some very dirty reminiscing.

He shook his head. OK, maybe this wasn’t entirely unprecedented, but still, highly unusual. He sat down next to Shannon. She was on her second coat. “How about when they’re dry?” she asked, blowing on her toes.

“Fine,” he said, realizing his voice sounded almost squeaky.

After 10 minutes or so, she happily announced, “They’re dry,” and clambered on top of him, tossing his jeans aside.

She hummed as she walked away, leaving him amazed at her stamina, and at his own. If he kept a diary, he’d put a red star on this date, whatever the hell day it was. He dozed off, drained from his back-to-back encounters.

He woke to find his cock in Boone’s mouth. “I love you, Sawyer,” he gasped before resuming his attentions. Once again, his brain clicked off and he gave into the extremely pleasant sensations of Boone's agile tongue and hands. “Nnngh!” was all Sawyer could say before he came. Boone gave the dazed man a hug and a kiss, his eyes glowing, before he left.

Sawyer got up and splashed water on his face. Then he pinched himself. Then he noted that his dick was tender enough that he couldn’t be dreaming. Could he? He returned to his chair, but this time he grabbed a baseball bat and laid it on his lap before going back to sleep.

“Sawyer, I need to speak with you.” Sayid was standing over him.

“Jesus, what is this, Grand Central Fucking Station?” Sawyer grumbled, his hand moving to the bat. He realized he was still naked, except for the jeans draped over his lap. “And doesn’t anyone ever knock?”

“It’s difficult to knock on a tarp,” Sayid said with a smile. “Listen, Sawyer, I have something very important to say to you.”

“Let me guess. You’re in love with me?” Sawyer ventured, one eyebrows raised.

Sayid nodded seriously. “Yes. I am. I had to let you know how I felt.”

“For the love of ...!” Sawyer said angrily. “Is it April Fool’s Day or somethin’?”

“I would not joke about this,” Sayid said, coming over to sit next to Sawyer. “I would like to express my love for you physically.”

“Oh, would you now?” Sawyer said, not sure whether to laugh at Sayid or pop him on the jaw.

“Yes,” Sayid said, his big, brown eyes smouldering at him.

“Yeah, thanks,” Sawyer said, holding firmly onto his jeans. “But my dance card’s been filled already.”

“Well, yes, but this is still my appointed time.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Ali?”

“We all had to make appointments to see you. Right now is my time with you.”

“The hell you say!” Sawyer spluttered. “Listen, this is startin’ to wear mighty thin. You’ve all had your damn joke, now just run along like a good little soldier, OK?”

“I’m afraid he can’t do that,” Jack said. He stood in the doorway of the tent and had already started to remove his shirt and pants. “We agreed to double up because the schedule was getting so crowded. You don’t mind, right?” Jack spoke with the cool professionalism of a doctor telling a patient he was going to give them a referral to Dr. Kaufman in Neurology.

“Do I mind?” Sawyer practically yelled, jumping up, bat in hand. His jeans fell to the ground and he unthinkingly bent to pick them up. He immediately regretted his mistake because Sayid was behind him in an instant. He had the bat out of Sawyer’s hands before he could even blink. And somehow in the last few minutes, he had gotten naked too. Sawyer could feel a hard cock against his backside.

“Oh, hell no,” he growled. “You two get the fuck out of here right now! I’m not kidding. I will kill both of you if you so much as lay a hand...”

“Then I’m afraid you will have to kill me,” Sayid whispered in his ear as a wet finger slid into Sawyer’s ass. Sawyer yelped, but Sayid had him firmly by the wrists.

“Did you bring the bamboo too, you cocksucker?” Sawyer grunted, still fighting against him, even though Sayid was starting to make him feel weak in the knees.

Jack stood naked in front of Sawyer, his arousal painfully evident. “God, I love you, Sawyer,” he said, before falling to his knees and taking Sawyer’s cock in his mouth.

This time, the orgasm was so intense Sawyer screamed before going limp against Sayid. Jack wiped his mouth with a grin and stood up to kiss Sawyer. By now, Sawyer was past caring what the hell was going on or who was doing what to him.

Sayid was lavishing kisses all over his neck and shoulders. Sawyer told himself he really should kill these two at the first opportunity but he was just too damn tired right now. He’d do it tomorrow.

“I love you, Sawyer,” they both whispered before leaving.

When he got his breath back, Sawyer threw on his jeans and grabbed the bat again. If everyone (everyone?) was headed for his tent, then he had to be anywhere but here.

He ducked out the back, relieved to see the person he was missing his next appointment with was Locke. Jesus, couldn’t they at least send the Korean lady next?

He swore when he saw Charlie running after him. "Sawyer!" he heard him yell. "I love you, mate! Hey, where the hell are you going? I just said I loved you!" Despite his shaky legs, Sawyer managed to outrun the little bugger and collapsed once he had left the beach behind.

Sawyer decided the monster-infested jungle was a lot safer than his own home turf tonight. He found a tree and braced himself against it, trying desperately to stay on guard for the next crazed romantic.

They must have all eaten some kind of psychedelic mushroom or ... Sawyer’s fogged brain couldn’t begin to dream up an explanation for the events of the last few hours. Try as he might, he just couldn’t stay awake as he pondered the situation.

He woke to find it was morning and he was blissfully alone. He carefully made his way back to his tent, but, thankfully, there was no one laying in wait for him. Then he noticed the white card on his chair. It read “Your appointment is between 2:00 and 3:00 p.m.”

He was excited. God, he loved Hurley so much! He couldn’t wait to tell him.
(Revised, 2-22, 8:49 am PST)

Comments

( 56 comments — Leave a comment )
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guineverekay
Feb. 22nd, 2005 03:15 pm (UTC)
Ha! I love it... a fluffy giggle was just what I needed to get my morning started.
halfdutch
Feb. 22nd, 2005 04:02 pm (UTC)
Hee. Thanks!
xxeverafterxx
Feb. 22nd, 2005 04:49 pm (UTC)
lmfao that was fricken awesome

*reads again*
halfdutch
Feb. 22nd, 2005 05:57 pm (UTC)
Cool! Glad you liked. ;->
driveshaft4ever
Feb. 22nd, 2005 05:02 pm (UTC)
That was the most bloody great story that I have ever been party to. SEQUEL! REPOST! Anything to convince myself that there is more...
halfdutch
Feb. 22nd, 2005 05:59 pm (UTC)
I ... wow! That's some high praise. (blushes) Thank you! I didn't run through all the possibilties, did I? Just my faves. I'm so predictable. ;->
thepiratequeen
Feb. 22nd, 2005 06:32 pm (UTC)
LOL! That was awesome. I especially loved how Sayid retained his very proper, formal way of speaking.
halfdutch
Feb. 22nd, 2005 06:57 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I think Sayid would actually be a lot looser if he were declaring his love for someone but I thought it would be funnier to have still be so stiff. (Oops! Punny.) ;->
you_ravish_me
Feb. 22nd, 2005 07:06 pm (UTC)
Oh my frickin' god!!!!! That too fuckin' funny! You threw in Sawyer/Boone! God I love you for that!!! Sawyer/Boone, Sawyer/Jack are my faves. And the Hurley twist at the end! *is laughing HARD* This was great. I can't wait for your next brilliant peice of writing! This was so great!:D
halfdutch
Feb. 22nd, 2005 09:52 pm (UTC)
Yay! Very happy to throw in some of my favorite pairings! Thanks! ;-D
foxxcub
Feb. 22nd, 2005 07:14 pm (UTC)
*sigh* How dare you post in the middle of the day when I cannot partake :( Will post real comment later tonight (working late, boo!!)...
halfdutch
Feb. 22nd, 2005 09:53 pm (UTC)
Oops, sorry, your foxiness! Working late: that is pout-worthy!
(no subject) - foxxcub - Feb. 22nd, 2005 10:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - foxxcub - Feb. 23rd, 2005 02:40 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - Feb. 23rd, 2005 05:39 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - foxxcub - Feb. 23rd, 2005 05:55 am (UTC) - Expand
totalimmoral
Feb. 22nd, 2005 07:20 pm (UTC)
lol, that was great! made my day.
halfdutch
Feb. 22nd, 2005 09:53 pm (UTC)
Thanks. My pleasure!
(Anonymous)
Feb. 22nd, 2005 10:06 pm (UTC)
LMFAO... smutty humour ROCKS! I especially loved the bit with Shannon doing her nails while Sawyer, uh, recuperated.

Cute little ending too. :) We all love Sawyer.

Guh. *eyes bulge at the man-sex O_o... THUD.* FANTASTIC bit o' smut.

I've over-posted this request in other stories, but would nonetheless be ever appreciative to somebody who could make an avatar animation from the drinking scene this past week (it makes me squee thinking about it ^_^):

Sawyer: I've never kissed a man.
Kate: *drinks*
Sawyer: *smirks*
Kate: I've never tied a certain doctor up [or Iraqi soldier/British ex-rockstar or whatever floats ya boat], sucked him off and then fucked him senseless.
Sawyer: *glares*
Kate: *grinning*
Sawyer: *drinks*

(Again, apologies for the numerous requests.. ^_^)
halfdutch
Feb. 22nd, 2005 11:13 pm (UTC)
Thanks, glad you liked! I just realized I could have had Shannon doing something *else* while waiting for Sawyer. Oh well, perhaps another fic, another day!

Your scenario would make a funny fic as well as animation.
(no subject) - foxxcub - Feb. 23rd, 2005 02:42 am (UTC) - Expand
ada_farrow
Feb. 23rd, 2005 03:44 am (UTC)
AHahh supahcool. Not to mention the snarky title. I think Sawyer needs more than a few restraining orders, in more ways than one.
halfdutch
Feb. 23rd, 2005 05:42 am (UTC)
Thanks! The title and the idea kind of came to me in the same burst. Hmmm. Sawyer needs to be restrained? Again?! ;->
james_logan
Feb. 23rd, 2005 02:31 pm (UTC)
Who doesn't love Sawyer?
This just answered the question I ask myself every week...why doesn't everyone on the island want to fuck Sawyer senseless?

You missed Michael and Jin and Sun. I especially would like to see a Sawyer/Jin exchange, if only for the language barrier!

And nice touch with Hurley at the end. Who doesn't love Hurley? Nice ending.
halfdutch
Feb. 23rd, 2005 05:20 pm (UTC)
Re: Who doesn't love Sawyer?
Why doesn't everyone on the island want to fuck Sawyer senseless?
I know! The only answer I have is because it's ABC.

I know I didn't get to everyone ... sigh, I just wasn't sure how long I (or Sawyer!) could keep it up. ;->
Re: Who doesn't love Sawyer? - james_logan - Feb. 23rd, 2005 06:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Who doesn't love Sawyer? - halfdutch - Feb. 23rd, 2005 06:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
thefragile7393
Feb. 24th, 2005 12:19 am (UTC)
What in the WORLD?!?! Oh sheesh I should know better than to be sucked in by your lj cuts, I always end up staring at the screen going "duh?"
halfdutch
Feb. 24th, 2005 02:20 am (UTC)
Do I need better warnings? Sorry if that was traumatic. ;->
(no subject) - thefragile7393 - Feb. 24th, 2005 04:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
lukesaysno
Feb. 24th, 2005 03:46 am (UTC)
lol. hilarious!
halfdutch
Feb. 24th, 2005 05:59 am (UTC)
Thanks, man!
(Deleted comment)
halfdutch
Feb. 24th, 2005 06:14 am (UTC)
Thanks! Another fic fatality! ;->
demonqueen666
Feb. 24th, 2005 03:25 pm (UTC)
You AMAZE me. *dies laughing*
halfdutch
Feb. 24th, 2005 04:24 pm (UTC)
Hee hee hee! Thanks! And I love that icon. Is that a cleolinda?
(no subject) - demonqueen666 - Feb. 24th, 2005 08:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - Feb. 24th, 2005 10:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
yndigot
Feb. 24th, 2005 10:01 pm (UTC)
That has to be the weirdest thing I've read in a long time, and oh so fucking hilarious. ^_^
halfdutch
Feb. 24th, 2005 10:26 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Yeah, def one of my odder ideas. Kind of like a smutty Twilight Zone.
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