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Once upon a time, I posted excerpts from some truly bad smut. And it seemed like time to do it again. I bring you:

BAD FIC, PART DEUX, along with festive reinterpretations.

These fics can be found on fanfiction.net. Yes, it's often just as bad as you suspect.

(Jack/Kate)

  • She knew deep in her chest her heart was breaking because she knew she'd have to leave but she pushed it away planning on enjoying every moment of being with him.

    Heartbreak later. Sex now. Also? Commas are a tool of the devil.

  • "I'm making love to you fully and properly."

    Kate sighed. She knew Jack was uptight, but she'd hope sex would loosen him up. How wrong she was.

    ETA: No, wait! Kate always suspected Jack was really a robot.

  • His movements became quicker and beyond all of Kate's beliefs he moved deeper within her.

    "It was beyond all my beliefs," she later told a shocked Sun. "But it's not like I was all that religious to begin with."

  • Before she knew it her body was snapping like a stretched rubber band and her orgasm hit her like a freight train.

    She never walked again, the victim of a horrendous mixed metaphor.

  • "Kate look at me. Don't say that don't ever say that. I want you to love again I want you to live a long and wonderful life ok" he asked thrusting in her. "When rescue comes, I want you to go home and stop running."

    "And I want you to stop talking during sex, OK? Sheesh!" Kate groused.

    --


    (Sawyer/Kate)

  • She smelled of sweat and blood and alive.

    "Alive? Is that what it's called? I never could remember the damn names of women's perfume," Sawyer sighed to himself.

    --


    (Jack/Kate)

  • She can feel his body on hers, his hands on her waist, and his lips, his wonderful lips against hers, lips she thought she would never get to kiss, lips that she wanted to kiss so many times until that day, the day she kissed him and then ran.

    "Those lips, those wonderful lips!" Kate murmured, staring at them in awe.

    "Gee, thanks. I try to remember to always use Chapstick," Jack said, pulling out a tube and reapplying the lip balm as she went into a deep swoon.


  • She opens her eyes and sees his eyes lighted up as he has a smile on his lips and you smile back. You both stand there, not wanting to move, just wanting to feel the other person's body closer to yours. You finally realize that this is what you've wanted all along.

    "Yes, this! To switch from third person to second person, virtually in midsentence. Yes, at last," she cried. "Now you know what it's like!"

  • She pulls away from the kiss and looks at his chest, filled with hair, hair that's leading down towards his stomach until it is hidden by his jeans.

    "Your chest! It's filled with hair," Kate screamed.

    "I never meant for you to see that," Jack sighed, closing and locking the wooden chest. "But yes, it's filled with Sawyer's hair." He hung his head in shame. "I've been secretly collecting it all these months."


  • He takes off his shoes with the force of his feet ...

    "Gosh, Jack, I didn't know you had superpowers! What else can you do with those feet of yours?"

  • He undoes her jeans, pulling down the zipper, and sliding it off her body.

    "OK, you got the zipper off, genius. Now what about the rest of the jeans?"

  • He moves back and looks at her, his eyes traveling down her body, from her tangled brown locks to her breast to her flat stomach, intoxicating thighs, beautiful long legs, and agile ankles back up to her face.

    "I ... I didn't know you'd had a mastectomy, Kate. I'm so sorry."

    "It's OK. At least I still have my agile ankles. Now, why don't you drink deep of my intoxicating thighs?"


  • He moves closer to her and kisses her passionately, slipping his tongue into her mouth, feeling her moan at this action, their tongues making love to each other.

    Jack was encouraged when his tongue-slipping action made her moan. But it was with bitter disappointment that he realized only his tongue was going to get laid tonight.

  • "I don't want to squish you," Jack says looking up at her.

    "I don't see how that's possible, since I'm clearly on top if you're looking up," she pointed out, before yelling "I'm going to squish YOU," and bursting into giggles like a six-year-old.


--

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Comments

( 37 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Deleted comment)
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 03:06 am (UTC)
*bows* Thank you, m'dear! ;)
littlehands
Jul. 5th, 2006 01:19 am (UTC)
My first thought ... oh please let nothing from any of my fics be on here!

Then the amusement kicked it, and I giggled, like a lot!
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 03:05 am (UTC)
Awww, no! I mock, but not anyone on LJ! ;-) I had to laugh at loud at some of these myself, like the "tongues making love to each other" one. Ha!
eponine119
Jul. 5th, 2006 01:26 am (UTC)
These are hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 03:04 am (UTC)
No problem! ;-) It's shockingly easy to find scads of bad fic out there. These weren't quite as bad a crop as the last time I did this. But still, bad enough!
meredith44
Jul. 5th, 2006 01:53 am (UTC)
Must. Stop. Laughing. Cannot. Breathe.

OMG! Those are just... are just... there are no words. Thanks for the much needed dose of hilarity.
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 03:02 am (UTC)
Hee. My pleasure! ;-)
slashfictionfan
Jul. 5th, 2006 02:04 am (UTC)
Damn, that's some top drawer descripting going on there * not to forget the metaphoring... yesssir...that's some fancy big city wordage... *g*
"agile ankles" "force of his feet"... oh this kills me...

Must be something in the air, as I've read a couple of really dire fics tonight and did a LJ post about feeling bad cos there is no way I could even start to give any constructive feedback except 'take your hands off the keyboard and step away from the internet' *g*.
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 03:02 am (UTC)
There's a lot of bad fic in the world. Some of it is just in need of a good beta, some of it is truly beyond help. I suspect one of these above was written by a non-native English speaker. Although I've thought that before and been wrong! Which is never a good sign!
xphile101
Jul. 5th, 2006 02:09 am (UTC)
Your commentary is making me roll. So funny.
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 02:55 am (UTC)
Hee! ;) I'm following in the footsteps of several people who've written crack!fic out of other people's misspellings, etc. Ahhh. Good times!
arabella_hope
Jul. 5th, 2006 02:41 am (UTC)
She never walked again, the victim of a horrendous mixed metaphor.

*dies*

Oh, these make me laugh so hard! Stealing this idea & posting my gems later ;)
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 02:54 am (UTC)
DO IT! ;-) You got me started on this tonight, talking about bad fic and all, LOL.
iamalreadyinuse
Jul. 5th, 2006 03:31 am (UTC)
LMMFAO. The lines? So, so bad. But your commentary? Genius!!!

"I never meant for you to see that," Jack sighed, closing and locking the wooden chest.
I dont think I've laughed harder in my life.

Still, I dont believe someone actually wrote this line: "I'm making love to you fully and properly."
You lie :-p
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 04:21 am (UTC)
Oh, I'm not lying! ;-)

I should have written, "Kate always suspected Jack was a robot" instead, shouldn't I?
assassinofjoy
Jul. 5th, 2006 03:52 am (UTC)
HEE! Bad!fic makes the world go 'round, man. And bad!smut? Better than sex. Kinda =)

Happy 4th! *hugs*
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 04:23 am (UTC)
Hee! It often provides entertainment the original writer didn't intend!

Happy 4th to you too! ;-)
inthekeyofd
Jul. 5th, 2006 04:01 am (UTC)
OMG!!! Your commntary is just THE BEST!!!

Those excerpts..I love to cringe and laugh at the same time. *smile*
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 04:24 am (UTC)
Thank you! ;) I think it's definitely of the "so bad it's good" variety.
thelana
Jul. 5th, 2006 06:32 am (UTC)
*dies laughing*

Thank you so much for sharing :D
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 04:33 pm (UTC)
Happy to share the laughs. ;)
zelda_zee
Jul. 5th, 2006 06:48 am (UTC)
OMG, so funny. I'm crying from laughing. Which I really needed. You are so awesome for posting this - thanks!
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 04:32 pm (UTC)
;-) It's really a public service announcement for everyone to use betas!
cmonkatiekatie
Jul. 5th, 2006 07:37 am (UTC)
Oh. Oh man thats funny. I should be sleeping right now but I just keep laughing at agile ankles. no, no the squishing - oh sweet jesus make it stop. Except can you do this everyday?
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 04:25 pm (UTC)
I know -- squishing! Squishing is more for kittens and puppies and children and stuffed animals. It's hardly sexy! Esp. in the context of this fic, where they're having sex supposedly for the first and last time since Jack has volunteered to stay with The Others so they'll let everyone else go. Ha! But then they let her stay because she *might* be pregnant now. See, this is why I usually don't read Jack/Kate! Hee. Also, who knew The Others were so considerate/conservative? ;)

And there's enough bad fic out there, I could, couldn't I? LOL.

*hands you baton instead*
astra2104
Jul. 5th, 2006 12:19 pm (UTC)
Well, I had about 30 seconds of "Oh my good, what if one of the authors finds his/ her fic quoted here?" guilt - after all, there really might be some non-native speakers among them (I seriously hope that, 'cause otherwise...d'oh, no excuse!) - but I'm still laughing, so I guess the fun side of it is stronger.
How can people be so unselfconscious about what they post? It's not as if they can't get a sense of quality, there's enough good fic around to compare yours with.
*secretly vows to not post anytime soon, though*
;)
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 04:27 pm (UTC)
Awww. I know, I know. A more generous soul wouldn't post this. But yeah, the fic IS that bad. And I wouldn't mock anyone on LJ!
(no subject) - astra2104 - Jul. 5th, 2006 06:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
queenbtch
Jul. 5th, 2006 03:35 pm (UTC)
So brilliant!
halfdutch
Jul. 5th, 2006 04:31 pm (UTC)
I first saw this done with some POTC fic where people had mixed up words like "waist" and "waste" -- and were justly mocked for it. Because then you have things like "he put his hands on his waste" and that's just NOT sexy, LOL.

That, and there's a lot of "taught" thighs out there, heh!
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