?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Ritual (Kate fic) - PG

Title: Ritual
Pairing: Kate-centric, slight Sawyer/Kate
Rating: PG
Summary: This scared her more than dying
Spoilers: General S3
Note: A very dark and strange speculative fic: What Kate might do if she found herself pregnant. Definitely not a fluffy baby fic. I can't say why I felt the need to write this one, but thanks so much to eponine119 for encouraging me to post this, despite my misgivings.



The second Kate started coughing up blood, her first thought wasn’t that she was going to die. She’d seen it happen to Claire and then she’d seen it happen to Sun and she knew what came next. Without any more serum, there was no hope.

But her first, panicky thought as she stared at her bloodstained fingers was that now she couldn’t hide this anymore, the thing that scared her more than dying.

----

She thought she’d been scared the day she’d finally had to admit to herself that she was pregnant, when she added up all her symptoms and mentally backtracked to that first time with Sawyer and came to the same, stomach-wrenching conclusion.

She hadn’t asked him for a pregnancy kit, hadn’t bothered to sneak one from his stash. She knew. And it was only going to get worse. She’d been keeping secrets her whole life but a secret like this is not one you kept for very long. It was the one bad situation she wouldn’t be able to run away from, not here.

The thought made her crazy, made her want to take off, strike out into the jungle, even though she could only end up right back here. She decided she’d run the only way she could. She borrowed one of Sawyer’s guns, checked to make sure it was loaded, and pressed the cool barrel against her temple. She counted down from 10 but when she hit “1” her finger refused to obey. Instead of pulling the trigger, the gun slid out of her hand. Relief washed over even as she tasted bile.

So she had done the next best thing. She avoided everyone, especially Sawyer. If she went to his tent, like she wanted to, he would notice, just as quickly as she had, that her breasts were swollen and too sensitive to touch. If she slept beside him, he’d notice that she got up every 20 minutes to pee.

He’d stop asking after her, stopped following her with that sad gaze. She let him think she didn’t care anymore and eventually he stopped trying. She almost gave in so many times in the middle of the night but sharing this nightmare with him wouldn’t help either of them. So she had said nothing. It had been four weeks, since she’d known and each day she woke up with the dread of if on her. No one had guessed; she hadn’t put on any weight because she hadn’t been eating.

Jack had asked after her, with kind, doctorly concern, but she brushed him off. She was moody, she said, because of the way things stood with Sawyer. It was only half a lie. He’d nodded, his eyes hooded and uncertain, and let her be.

----

She looked off to her left. Sawyer’s tent was just a few feet away. If she screamed, someone would come, they would get Jack. He would do everything he could for her but it wouldn’t be enough.

Her stomach convulsed and she spat up again, trying uselessly to block it with her hands. She spread her palms, staring in horror; the blood appeared redder now and she knew she didn’t have long. The beach was blurring before her eyes, the only sharpness now in the clarity of her mind, This is it.

She had only minutes left before she passed out. Time enough to make it to the jungle, she prayed, time enough to get so far that no one could find her.

-----

She made it just to the jungle’s edge before her legs gave out. She crawled behind a fallen tree trunk. Like an animal, she thought as she hugged her failing knees into her body, rocking herself. Animals crawled off to give birth. To die. She hadn’t pictured this is how she would die, covered in dirt and blood, whimpering like an injured dog.

She should have gone to Jack. She should have gone to Sawyer, let him hold her every night while he could. She should have written him a note, at least. She tried composing it now, in her head, as if somehow, he’d get the message if she just concentrated hard enough.

James. She’d started calling him that when she was mad at him, when she wanted to make sure he was paying attention, using his name like a reprimand, like her mother did when she called for her by her full name. But Kate had also whispered his name in his ear when she came with him inside her and maybe that made up for it.

She started the letter again in her mind. James. She wanted to say she was sorry. Wanted to tell him she had no regrets, that he shouldn’t blame himself. Tell him she loved him. It might not be the truth but if you were leaving someone, you had to leave them right. She’d done this all wrong. Her whole life, she’d fucked it up.

He had meant more to her than just a warm body. She just couldn’t explain that when he looked at her the way he did, like he knew her, like he loved her. He wasn’t seeing her for who she was. He couldn’t begin to know her and if he had, he’d have drawn his hand back as quick as if he’d been burned.

She was doing him a favor, keeping him at arm’s length. It wasn’t about Jack, not really, but it was so easy to let Sawyer think so.

I’m sorry, she would say, for making him believe he wasn’t good enough for her. I was lucky, she would have said. I was lucky to know you. I was lucky to have you.

“I was lucky,” she whispered to the jungle and then the blood came up again.

----

He came out here sometimes, when he wanted to be alone. Everyone else avoided the spot, but Sawyer felt at peace here, in the quiet and shade.

Sawyer was the one who insisted they bury Kate where they found her, and in the end, Jack gave in. Jack had wanted her laid to rest with a handmade cross, on the rise overlooking the ocean, next to Sun and Shannon and Boone. The tree was marker enough, Sawyer argued, prepared to fight Jack on this, but Jack hadn’t fought him anymore, just gave him a long hard look before he walked away and let Sawyer do what he will.

He’d dug the grave by himself. He’d dug too many graves here.

Another day faded into night as he let his fingers trail over the decaying tree. Each time he touched it, a little more came away. Soon, he thought, there would be nothing left.

Comments

( 24 comments — Leave a comment )
eponine119
Apr. 21st, 2007 03:07 am (UTC)
Oooh, you posted it. I'm glad. I think this is amazing, powerful and chilling.
halfdutch
Apr. 21st, 2007 04:40 am (UTC)
Thanks so much for your support on this one. I was very close to not posting, as you know! I think I had no choice but to write a fic about some kind of mourning right now. All the other options just didn't seem to fit. Maybe someday I can address some of those other ideas, but you're right, they didn't belong here.
quiet_rebel
Apr. 21st, 2007 03:37 am (UTC)
Okay, I have tears in my eyes! Damn it!

It was this line "I was lucky." Like she was telling the island, you may take my life, but you can't take that away from me.

Then the end with Sawyer and guh! the gravedigging. So sad.

A pretty brave fic.

halfdutch
Apr. 21st, 2007 04:38 am (UTC)
Awww, I'm sorry for inflicting my emo on you. I tried coming at this idea in several different ways but this is the way it wanted to go. Thanks for reading and for the kind words. I'm especially glad you liked "I was lucky," because I'm not sure where it came from but it got me choked up too.

inthekeyofd
Apr. 21st, 2007 05:14 am (UTC)
Good God woman, you made me FEEL BAD FOR KATE, only you can accomplish that..oh dying alone..that's not good, that's actually the one thing that would make me feel bad for anyone, that KILLS ME.

And Sawyer dug the grave too..yes it's official, I'm dead.

Thank you. *smile*

Seriously though, only you could get me to feel that bad for Kate, excellently done as always!!!
halfdutch
Apr. 21st, 2007 07:26 pm (UTC)
Aww, thank you, hon! I guess it would take something extreme like this to make someone who isn't a fan feel sorry for her. I'm not in love with her on the show all the time but something about her character still speaks to me. Maybe because Sawyer cares for her and because she definitely does not want to be a mother and that's so refreshing on Lost where it really is all about babies.
elise_509
Apr. 21st, 2007 06:44 am (UTC)
This is heartwrenching and beautifully written. The ending scene in particular was amazing, especially the last line. Poor Sawyer...

halfdutch
Apr. 21st, 2007 07:28 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you! This came from such a strange place so I'm very glad to hear such kind words about it. And oh yes, poor Sawyer! I tried to write this where she doesn't die, or at least not before he finds her, but it really didn't want to go in that direction.
lil_orli
Apr. 21st, 2007 11:56 am (UTC)
wow that was i'm speechless is it morbid to say it was beautiful?? Sad,full of angst but really beautiful. How she pushed everyone away to protect them but then when the moment came she wanted them and it was to late.

And sawyer and the tree representing him to know he'd lost her and the baby and hadn't known i like that they found her i just wish they could have found her before she died.

You really do the most amazing dark, angsty kate (who is still my favourote even if write know i'm not loving her on the show) i'm always happy to see a new kate fic up.
halfdutch
Apr. 21st, 2007 07:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you! You've summed up everything I was trying to convey with this fic, so that makes me very happy! I agree, even if Kate on the show is acting like an idiot regarding Sawyer, I like to think that there is some depth of feeling there for him and that part of pushing him away is that she just can't let someone get close to her. At least, I like to think of her that way, even if on the show it's supposed to be all because she really just wants Jack instead. *sighs* And the show is making me kind of crazy, so I guess it comes out in very angsty ways like this. Thanks for reading.




demonqueen666
Apr. 21st, 2007 04:53 pm (UTC)
Nice and dark. I'm glad you wrote this; it's interesting and different.

It would be just like Kate, to panic and hide something like that even knowing the consequences it would bring. And I like your introspective on how she feels (felt...) about her and Sawyer.

And, gah, the ending! Love it as it stabs me. Especially the part with the tree.
halfdutch
Apr. 21st, 2007 07:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you! It came from such an emo place, I just couldn't be objective about it.

I do think that one element of canon about Kate, that she always runs, just clicked with me. It helps me forgive some of her inconsistencies and here, yes, I think with Sun gone she wouldn't turn to anyone for help, especially if she knew there was nothing to be done. And I like to think her feelings for Sawyer are more complicated and deeper than just using him as a Jack substitute.

And oh, Sawyer and the tree! I wrote that part later and I'm really glad I did.

cmonkatiekatie
Apr. 21st, 2007 09:04 pm (UTC)
God, this is good. So good that I don't quite know what to say. But I enjoyed it immensely - in that way you do when something kinda hurts to read.

But Kate had also whispered his name in his ear when she came with him inside her and maybe that made up for it.

Oh man, this just aches, the whole thing.


halfdutch
Apr. 21st, 2007 11:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the kind words, hon. It's a weird, dark little fic but that's kind of the zeitgeist, now isn't it? Anyway, it's where my mind went and I just followed.

And I guess I was trying to do a little Kate ... salvaging. Is that the word I want? Because I like to think there's more to her than a jealous little schoolgirl. Glad you liked this.
gottalovev
Apr. 21st, 2007 11:49 pm (UTC)
ow!

that is a punch to the gut.

it is beautiful, in all of its sadness!

She just couldn’t explain that when he looked at her the way he did, like he knew her, like he loved her. He wasn’t seeing her for who she was. He couldn’t begin to know her and if he had, he’d have drawn his hand back as quick as if he’d been burned.

She was doing him a favor, keeping him at arm’s length. It wasn’t about Jack, not really, but it was so easy to let Sawyer think so.

I’m sorry, she would say, for making him believe he wasn’t good enough for her. I was lucky, she would have said. I was lucky to know you. I was lucky to have you.


this really hit me. you are so good. thank you.
halfdutch
Apr. 22nd, 2007 05:17 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you so much for finding beauty in the sadness here. I'm touched you were moved by this. ♥
alemyrddin
Apr. 22nd, 2007 10:12 am (UTC)
While I'm a sucker for Jack/Sawyer happy endings -poor boys, they have so much angst going on on the show already-, when it comes to Kate I like really really much your dark fic involving her, like "the slow drug" and this one.
Maybe one of the advantages of not being too fond of a character is exactly that I'm able to enjoy dark twists. This was a nice way to exploit further what canon gives us on that account, and beautifully written.

Very sad for Sawyer, though. And "I was lucky" had me near tears. If only she would realize she is lucky in canon too!

halfdutch
Apr. 22nd, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you, I always like the dark side of Kate and it's nice to hear I'm not alone there. And I've realized I never killed Kate off in a fic before! I've killed Sawyer a few times (and was an enormous wreck!) but this is the first time for Kate. I do get frustrated with her on the show but she's still the only female character who's still on the show to whom I can relate at all.

And she IS lucky to have Sawyer. I wish she would wake up and realize that but TPTB are so determined to have their damn love quadrangle. *sighs* It makes it really hard to respect anyone involved.
nikitangel
Apr. 22nd, 2007 02:47 pm (UTC)
Wow! Powerful, with such clear imagery.
halfdutch
Apr. 22nd, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
uhzoomzip
Apr. 22nd, 2007 06:03 pm (UTC)
is this the 'melodramatic' fic you were working on? because i think you did a really nice job with the tone - it's heartfelt and painful, but i wouldn't call it melodramatic.

powerful stuff - i'm glad you posted this.
halfdutch
Apr. 22nd, 2007 07:22 pm (UTC)
Yes, this is the melodramatic fic! I wasn't the least bit objective about it and I was definitely feeling melodramatic myself. So I'm glad it didn't come across that way!

I'm glad I posted too. It feels cathartic! Thanks for reading. ♥

fosfomifira
Apr. 23rd, 2007 03:11 am (UTC)
I really wish my feedbacking brain wasn't away on holiday so I could do justice to this piece. It's so powerful.

I think it's sad how Kate isolated herself here, how she refused to ask for help. I know - and she knows - she was beyond help, but it was a selfish move on her. If she'd been all alone, she wouldn't have got pregnant in the first place. I'm not sure if it'd have worked for them, sometimes I think they're better off as friends.

Kate never wanted to open up to Sawyer, she didn't even give it a chance and I'm not quite sure why, I think she doesn't know why, she refused on principle.

I feel sorry for Sawyer, but I get the feeling he's better at handling this sort of guilt than Jack would be.
halfdutch
Apr. 23rd, 2007 05:40 am (UTC)
A brain holiday sounds perfect right about now! ;) Seriously, fb of all kinds is always appreciated! ♥

And I do think Kate made the wrong choice here, in distancing herself not just at the end but her whole life, and it's only at the very end that she regrets it. She was trying to spare them her death but of course not knowing and not being able to say goodbye is much worse but I didn't think she would see it that way. I guess I see her as really alone, for the most part, and not able to really trust people. Canon has shown us she's definitely more skittish and less ready to commit than Sawyer! AndI think she just kind of panicked.

I wonder who would take this harder: We know Jack has trouble letting go and admitting defeat and her death would definitely haunt him. But Sawyer's had to deal with death at such a young age. I think for someone he really cared about, this would be an enormous blow.

Whatever else is going on on the show, I'm still feeling (or imagining) that connection between Kate and Sawyer but her connection to Jack seems kind of dead right now. And why do I always end up reacting to canon? I should be writing some happy AUs, eh?
( 24 comments — Leave a comment )

Profile

Josh Maggie hug by _jeudi
halfdutch
halfdutch

Latest Month

July 2016
S M T W T F S
     12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31      
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow