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Title: The Last Blonde
Pairing: Sawyer/Kate, Sawyer/Juliet
Synopsis: Sawyer always dreaded the morning after.
Rating: R
Word count: 1062
Note: Spoilers for the season four finale. I hadn't written any Lost fic in quite a while but this idea came to me last night. I'm dedicating it to the wonderful lenina20, who's been leaving me the most amazing fb. *HUGS* Unbeta'd.




Kate never stays the night. She always makes some excuse immediately after sex and then she's gone, like she was never there in the first place. He tells himself it doesn't matter that she's just using him, that this something with her is better than nothing at all. They don't lie to each other, there's that, at least. She never says she needs him. He never says, "I love you." Well, not after that once.

He's been just where she is, been who she is, except he never did anything but lie. He lied with every touch, every glance, every word. He dreaded mornings more than anything else, when the woman he'd seduced would wake and gaze at him adoringly and expect the same kind of loving look in return. He lived those lies until he couldn't live them anymore and that's why he can't ask Kate to lie to him, now. It's what he deserves, really, after bedding so many women and breaking their hearts just to steal their cash. He deserves a woman who can't meet his eye, one who rolls away from him as soon as he comes.

He has this crazy idea that if Kate ever stays the night, if she's still there when he opens his eyes, that she'll stay forever. Except when it finally happens, it doesn't mean a thing. Even when she's still there in body, her spirit is itching to be moving along as soon as possible. That root-deep restlessness is as much a part of her as her green eyes or her freckles.

When it sinks in that she's really gone, there's some small comfort in having been the one to say goodbye. It was so easy: He just kissed her and then he jumped. Isn't that what he's been doing all along? He wonders if she worried about him a little in those last moments, in that time between him cheating death and death claiming her instead.

He wonders if she ever hated herself for the way she treated him, if the very reason she couldn't stay was because she saw herself in him, the part she wanted to run away from. Or maybe that's just the kind of b.s. a man tells himself when he's wide awake at three a.m.

------

The first time he and Juliet fuck, it's because they're drunk and heartbroken and because they're all the other's got left.

He doesn't think, he just lets all the pain, all the rage and loss wash over him until he thinks he's going to drown in it, in her. He doesn't think about what the next day will bring because he can't even imagine it. The alcohol and her body mercifully blot out everything else, at least for tonight.

She's gone when he wakes. His whole body hurts and he winces at the bright light. She's going to be strange and distant now and he chews himself out for bringing on one more unnecessary headache.

But she comes to his tent that night, just walks right in, like Kate always did. Without saying a word, she bends down to kiss him. She doesn't let him speak, just takes off her shirt and puts his hand on her breast. She's breathing fast, her heart racing under his hand, but her eyes never leave his face.

He says her name, once, before he tells her she doesn't have to do this, but he doesn't get that far. She straddles him and he's already hard. She helps him get his jeans off and then hers are down around her knees and she's easing herself onto him. He holds his breath, not releasing it until she makes a little moaning noise and arches her back, rocking into him faster now as he grips her ass.

Her mouth is open, like she's on the verge of telling him something vitally important, but she just fixes him with that wide-eyed stare and finally he has to shut his eyes and give himself over to the sensation of her body wrapped around his.

One hand is on his shoulder, one between her legs, and he feels every shudder as she brings herself to orgasm. He follows her within seconds, a roar like the crash of the ocean in his ears as his loses control.

She presses her forehead against his and they stay like that for a moment, shaky and out of breath. She slides off him but she doesn't reach for her pants, doesn't make any move to leave. She settles against his chest and, without thinking he puts his arms around her and lies down and they fall asleep like that.

He's surprised to see she's still there in the morning, her face oddly more knit with worry in sleep than awake. He doesn't want to wake her, so he just watches her sleep for a moment, studying her face as if he can read whatever bad dream she's having there.

Her eyes flicker open and she looks confused at first and then she smiles at him, yawning as she sits up. She smooths her tangled hair self-consciously and mutters something about looking a sight. He sits back, watching her fuss with her hair and realizes it's been a long time since he's seen a woman do that first thing in the morning. He tries to remember if Cassidy were the last one and how long ago that was.

"Been a while," he says, not saying the "since the last blonde" end of the sentence aloud.

"Me too," she nods, regarding him curiously, as if she knows exactly what he's thinking. He wonders how many men she's been with and is surprised to find the thought upsets him.

"Got a brush? Or a comb?" she asks and he starts to rummage around for one or the other. It's all as normal as you please, the kind of morning after he never had with Kate.

The fact that Kate's gone, really gone, hits him hard, like he's watching the chopper go down all over again, and he feels dizzy, like he can't even breathe for a moment.

And then there's Juliet pulling on her jeans and saying there has to be a brush here somewhere and the feeling passes. He locates a brush and hands it to her and she takes it with a smile.

I can breathe with you here, he thinks, but he doesn't say it, just watches her brush the knots out of her long, blonde hair.

Comments

( 35 comments — Leave a comment )
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eponine119
Sep. 27th, 2008 06:22 am (UTC)
I can breathe with you here

This story is so great. I love this!
halfdutch
Sep. 27th, 2008 05:08 pm (UTC)
Oh yay, thank you! I enjoyed writing again! :)

(And love your icon!)
jenthegypsy
Sep. 27th, 2008 11:36 am (UTC)
Beautiful!
halfdutch
Sep. 27th, 2008 05:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you, love! ♥
deej240z
Sep. 27th, 2008 12:47 pm (UTC)
Yes!! Sawyer fic. I love you. And it was wonderful. Especially that last line. *smooches*
halfdutch
Sep. 27th, 2008 05:05 pm (UTC)
Ahhhh, thanks, hon! I missed writing Sawyer! Especially one who might have a chance at being happy. ♥
(Deleted comment)
halfdutch
Sep. 27th, 2008 05:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you, hon! I really like the idea of the two of them together now. *nods*
elliotsmelliot
Sep. 27th, 2008 02:57 pm (UTC)
Fascinating comparison of the two women (and even Cass!). Sawyer may love Kate but she sucks all the air out of him. Meanwhile Juliet lets him breathe. Not sure how long he'll appreciate that notion but you proved how much he needed it just then. Lovely!
halfdutch
Sep. 27th, 2008 05:03 pm (UTC)
Thank you, glad you liked! I agree most men might panic at Juliet basically just moving in but the show's given us Sawyer desperately wanting to play house with Kate so I figured that might be a welcome move for him! Thanks for reading!
navras_rheya
Sep. 27th, 2008 05:17 pm (UTC)
This is wonderful.
halfdutch
Sep. 28th, 2008 04:24 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you so much! :)
shikabane_mai
Sep. 27th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
Oh my god. Your writing is simply beautiful... I love how the simple act of wanting to brush one's hair in the morning can be turned into such a semi-angsty & more in-depth scene. Wonderful writing!
halfdutch
Sep. 28th, 2008 04:23 am (UTC)
Oh wow, thank you so much! I don't often have the end of a fic in mind when I start but when I hit on the idea of her staying and doing something as mundane as brushing her hair, it felt like the right place to stop. Thank you for your comment!
(Deleted comment)
halfdutch
Sep. 28th, 2008 04:22 am (UTC)
*hugs*

This was totally the wrong fic to dedicate to you, wasn't it? I was thinking, since you liked my past Sawyer/Juliet fics, this would be right for you but it's really at the expense of Sawyer/Kate here. don't hate Kate, you know, partly because Sawyer never can. I've been feeling like I've slighted Juliet, a bit, by always having her be second-best for everyone but I may have slighted Kate here instead.

I've got another idea for a Kate-centric fic, one you might like better, hon.

Thanks so much for reading and leaving fb for this one! ;)

Edited at 2008-09-28 04:23 am (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - halfdutch - Sep. 30th, 2008 07:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - halfdutch - Oct. 5th, 2008 04:32 am (UTC) - Expand
gottalovev
Sep. 28th, 2008 06:20 pm (UTC)
oh, yay! I love that you are writing Sawyer again, going to poke in his pretty head. greatly done, the reflexion on his past off the island in parallel with Kate, and the contrast of what Juliet brings, there, at the end. lovely!
halfdutch
Sep. 30th, 2008 07:21 pm (UTC)
Aww, thanks, hon! I'm happy that it makes you excited to see me delving into Sawyer's pretty head again. I just can't stay away! *hugs* He really is what keeps me coming back to Lost fic, time after time. ♥
alemyrddin
Sep. 29th, 2008 03:09 pm (UTC)
I can breathe with you here, he thinks, but he doesn't say it, just watches her brush the knots out of her long, blonde hair.

aw. this is just beautiful. You are really making me like Sawyer/Juliet.
halfdutch
Sep. 30th, 2008 07:21 pm (UTC)
Oh, thanks so much, hon. And ha, who knew I'd ever be writing this pairing? :)
jazzpno
Sep. 29th, 2008 05:35 pm (UTC)
Now this could be the start of something...interesting.

Since TPTB are NEVER gonna give me my OTP of Sawyer/Jack or my secondary pair of Sawyer/Sayid, Sawyer/Juliet could really grow on me.

Thank you, I've missed your Lost fic, and as usual, you've captured the angst and the heat and the sex in one pretty package.
halfdutch
Sep. 30th, 2008 07:23 pm (UTC)
Agreed, as llong as Sawyer's in the mix (and being appreciated!), I'm happy. Juliet seems the most likely to give that to him on the show now but I do rather doubt we're going to get a happy ever after for either of them. Thank you so much for your fb.
hendercats
Sep. 29th, 2008 11:41 pm (UTC)
*reads first three paragraphs and (yet again) wants to kick Kate*

her face oddly more knit with worry in sleep than awake
I'm in love with this phrase - it's incredible in and of itself, but so perfectly Juliet. This is beautiful.
halfdutch
Sep. 30th, 2008 07:24 pm (UTC)
Ahh, Kate rejecting Sawyer is such a sore point with me! I know why they write her like that, to keep the triangle alive, but c'mon... it's SAWYER! Fangirls everywhere just can't understand her!

Thanks so much for your fb. Writing Juliet is still rather new to me, and I think that's part of the appeal. ♥

Edited at 2008-09-30 07:24 pm (UTC)
luna481516
Oct. 1st, 2008 03:01 am (UTC)
This was wonderful. It captured Sawyer, and Juliet, perfectly, at least in the way I understand them.
He lived those lies until he couldn't live them anymore and that's why he can't ask Kate to lie to him, now. That was just great.
halfdutch
Oct. 3rd, 2008 10:58 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you! I love writing these two -- that scene of them in the finale was such a great jumping-off point, wasn't it?
toestastegood
Oct. 4th, 2008 05:35 pm (UTC)
Oh, yay! When Sawyer/Juliet fics started popping up I wasn't sure what to make of the pairing at first: when I read stuff like this I warm more and more to it. I love that being with Juliet doesn't render Sawyer's feelings for Kate void. I can see how that would be a trap that would be easy to fall into - showing Juliet as the 'cure' for Sawyer's difficult relationship with Kate. Instead it's a new kind of complicated. Just as in the show, Juliet makes it very difficult to guess at her motivations for doing this. She's not the counter-balance to Kate: she's something else entirely, something new and strong and different. I don't think that Juliet would ever allow herself to just be a 'replacement' for Kate, or to be second-best, and for me that's clear in this fic. ♥
halfdutch
Oct. 5th, 2008 04:31 am (UTC)
When Sawyer/Juliet fics started popping up I wasn't sure what to make of the pairing at first: when I read stuff like this I warm more and more to it.

Oh wow, thank you! I'm glad this worked for you, especially the part about Juliet *not* being a replacement for Kate. Juliet seems to be stuck being second-best (both in fic and in canon) and this was my attempt to sort of go beyond that, for once! I'm enjoying exploring a new het pairing, because you're right, Juliet and Kate are very, very different.

Thanks so much for your comment! :)
fosfomifira
Oct. 6th, 2008 08:58 pm (UTC)
I'm kind of hoping against hope that we'll get to see something like this when Lost comes back. Not the sex scene, though that would be nice, but Sawyer dealing, somehow, with all that's happened, with him staying on the island, Kate living, all the things that could have been between them and all the things that never were between them. We didn't really get to see the aftermath to him killing the real Mr. Sawyer, it's time that he sits down and thinks about what he's been through.

I think Juliet would make a good partner for Sawyer, someone who knows herself and won't run for the hills for no reason. I don't know, I just like the idea of the two of them together.

The writing here is beautiful. There's something very fragile about Sawyer here, but very much in character. It's like he's opening up for the first time.
halfdutch
Oct. 7th, 2008 07:03 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you, darling! :)

I don't know, I just like the idea of the two of them together.

Me too, once I warmed to Juliet. There's something very steadying and reliable about her.

The writing here is beautiful. There's something very fragile about Sawyer here, but very much in character. It's like he's opening up for the first time.

Oh, that's so sweet of you to say. I find it so interesting, on the show, that Sawyer is the one taking all the risks in his relationship with Kate and that he's the one who gets hurt there... it would be nice if he could find someone who would be there for him. It's a bit hard (at first) to think of Sawyer as wanting to settle down but you have to love him for loving with his whole heart, despite everything he's been through.

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