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Bad smut! Bad!

OK - I came across some *truly* bad writing and epic misspellings while looking for Sawyer fics to rec.

Cringe along with me, won't you?




Italics mine ...

"... the guy either treated her like garbage or he bolted the minute she wanted more than just sex from him. And she knew Sawyer was the epitome of the man she always fell for – charming, tough and exiting."

"Her hazel orbs slowly met the gaze, with his mysterious blue eyes."

"His tongue swiveled with hers as their mouths allowed it."

"She responded in the same manner, pulling off his white blouse, wanting to touch him all over rather sooner than later." (Sawyer wearing a blouse? Heh. And yeah, sooner's better for me too.)

"Kate didn’t hear the discrete click of a belt being unbuckled or the louder thumb of a pair of pants falling to the ground..." (Were the pants hitchhiking?)

"finding her hard nodule and gently massaging it" (Nodule. Just not a sexy word. More like something that ends up being cancerous.)

"Just as wonderful as the sex always was, just as terrible did the aftermath feel." (What is she, Yoda?)

"Jack in incredibly as he watched the man he hated more then anyone on the island trail a hand down a lean and taunt stomach."

"His mouth became baron and dry..."

"Immediately their lips locked in a frenzied kiss that set blood and cocks a blazing." (Sounds like the shootout at the OK Corral. LOL)

"Sawyer still found it nearly impossible to believe that the straight laced doctor was actually a fudge packer…" (Oh dear God)

"working the glittering golden zipper all the way down" (Wow, a magic zipper!)

"His own dick swaying in the wind…he called to its nature as he gripped it firmly within his hand and began to whack off like a mad man." (Huh? Was he taking a leak?)

"'Yeah well the way he was starring at me today made me think he really wouldn't mind.'"

"'Who had an orgasm and made you king of horny town, Sawyer?" Boone said, walking over. "Save some Jack for me.'"

"...tied his hands together eroticly." (Isn't bondage *always* erotic?)

"'What else you got in that bag, Sawer baby?" Jack asked, running his hands over Sawyer's Back." (Because Sawyer's Back is so fine it must be referred to in upper case?)

"Boone let out a loud scream that scared Jack to an orgasm." (Scared into an orgasm! Damn, I'm going to rent "Boogeyman!" ;-D)

"Jack looked at his still tight bonner, ad began to rub it gently."

"Am I dreaming or is there a foresome before my eyes?"

"It was a hot and steamy night, most of which was spent trying to tie Sawyer up." LOL!

(That's it! There should be a bad smut contest: "It was a hot and steamy night," like the "It was a dark and stormy night" contest.)

Now go read the side-splitting Crack!Fic kho wrote with some of these lines. ;-D

Comments

( 40 comments — Leave a comment )
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philomel
May. 30th, 2005 10:20 am (UTC)
*loses her shit*

Oh maaaaaaaan. *wipes tears*

"Cocks a blazing" brings a whole new meaning to "come shot." (What? Someone had to go there.)
halfdutch
May. 30th, 2005 08:12 pm (UTC)
"Cocks a blazing" brings a whole new meaning to "come shot.

LMFAO! It just conjures up a lot of bad Western smut scenarios for me, hee. "Draw!" "You first!"
(no subject) - kho - May. 30th, 2005 11:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
missdarksoul
May. 30th, 2005 11:08 am (UTC)
Oh your god! thats the funniest thing ever laughed my arse off think my sister thought i was high
halfdutch
May. 30th, 2005 08:13 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I had to share the horror with someone else! ;-D
(no subject) - missdarksoul - May. 31st, 2005 03:19 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - May. 31st, 2005 06:10 am (UTC) - Expand
mediocrechick
May. 30th, 2005 12:20 pm (UTC)
I've read some crappy ass smut in the past but this takes the cake. I gotta say, no matter how good the smut may be, if you have spelling errors it just ruins the whole thing.


I think the fudge packer thing is the funniest. Jack has all the fudge on the island? Better not tell Hurley....
halfdutch
May. 30th, 2005 08:14 pm (UTC)
These were spectactularly bad, weren't they? Beta, people, please! Except I think even betas wouldn't help some of these.

Lordy! Yes, fudge packer truly takes the cake.

ficangel
May. 30th, 2005 12:40 pm (UTC)
'Fudge packer' is never going to be erotic. Ever. I'm thinking of making this the brand-new cousin to Godwin's Law. Likewise, that last one is so good that I almost, almost want to believe that it's satire, except that I've seen way too much heinous fic perpetrated to quite convince myself.

For sorting through all this chaff in order to get to the wheat? You deserve a medal. (And I came very close to spelling that 'metal', which would have been so ironic that I think I would have died on the spot.)
halfdutch
May. 30th, 2005 08:17 pm (UTC)
Yes, if you want to set a smut scene, "fudge packer" is gonna ruin that mood but good.

No, trust me, "hot and steamy night" was the same fic as the "foresome," etc.
Siiiiiigh.

Yes, I do deserve a medal, don't I? I want a glittering gold zipper for my troubles! ;-D
lillyjk
May. 30th, 2005 12:45 pm (UTC)
ROFLMAO
"She responded in the same manner, pulling off his white blouse, wanting to touch him all over rather sooner than later." (Sawyer wearing a blouse? Heh. And yeah, sooner's better for me too.)
Dude, this totally conjures up an image of Sawyer in the Seinfeld puffy shirt.

Thanks so much for brightening my day.


halfdutch
May. 30th, 2005 08:19 pm (UTC)
Re: ROFLMAO
Sawyer in the puffy shirt! Hee. Well, he is a pirate now, isn't he? Sort of.

Glad to provide some chuckles. ;-)
(Deleted comment)
halfdutch
May. 30th, 2005 08:19 pm (UTC)
;-D Too damn funny, huh?
beanielover
May. 30th, 2005 09:07 pm (UTC)
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Gee, how can people write those stuff?

"Just as wonderful as the sex always was, just as terrible did the aftermath feel." (What is she, Yoda?)
LMAO!!! Your commentary was awesome! ;)

"Boone let out a loud scream that scared Jack to an orgasm." (Scared into an orgasm! Damn, I'm going to rent "Boogeyman!" ;-D)
WOW!!! Scares into an orgasm?! That's a first for me! Never ever heard something similar to that!

Thanks for that! I was needing something to cheer me up. =P

xoxox
halfdutch
May. 30th, 2005 11:54 pm (UTC)
Glad it cheered you up! Yes, these are so bad they're good. Almost! At least good for a mad giggle. ;-D
kho
May. 30th, 2005 11:45 pm (UTC)
Sawyer still found it nearly impossible to believe that the straight laced doctor was actually a fudge packer

I'm not even sure where they were trying to go from there. Was it meant as humor? Cause it's lame, not funny. Was it meant as hot? Cause it's totally and completely not. I mean. That's just... oh. So bad, it's great.

You know what this makes me want to do? There's this chick, a wonderful wonderful writer named yxonomei who writes for POTC, and she made a post of crackfic, built off of bad lines and typos. Here, read it. Even if you don't know POTC, it's still worth it. I SO want to do this to these lines.
halfdutch
May. 30th, 2005 11:52 pm (UTC)
Oh Jesus! (wipes tears from eyes, bandages ribs)

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Thank you for that POTC crackfic link. Might just be the funniest thing EVER.

Now I'm craving more bad!fic. ;-D At least it's abundant, eh? But I want the truly, howlingly, apocalyptically bad fic and not just the merely bad.
(no subject) - kho - May. 31st, 2005 12:30 am (UTC) - Expand
xzombiexkittenx
May. 31st, 2005 01:17 am (UTC)
"'Who had an orgasm and made you king of horny town, Sawyer?" Boone said, walking over.

I've never seen Lost, so I don't know if this is OOC, but I actually thought this line was kind of funny. Or maybe I'm just tired...*headdesk*


"'What else you got in that bag, Sawer baby?" Jack asked, running his hands over Sawyer's Back." (Because Sawyer's Back is so fine it must be referred to in upper case?)

Oh happiness. I love it when things get put in upper case in period!fic but in this case? Just funny.

Thank you for sharing these. Even if you don't know the series, it's still good.
halfdutch
May. 31st, 2005 01:47 am (UTC)
It's such bad writing, being OOC almost doesn't even enter into it!
Bad!fic is funny, even if you don't know any of the characters.
penm
May. 31st, 2005 01:22 am (UTC)
Here through [Bad username: khohen1&quot;]'s link, and I was thinking:

That smut contest idea of yours has some merit. "It was a hot and steamy night". Hmmmm. But good smut, though. :> That would like, make my month.
halfdutch
May. 31st, 2005 01:49 am (UTC)
;-D

Actually a challenge that should produce some *good* smut is up at laws_of_eden

Lost Summer Smut Challenge

There's already some very hot smut up at the comm. If you like Lost fic, go check it out!
kataren
May. 31st, 2005 03:10 am (UTC)
*__#;;
Arghh! You're EBIL! Numerous grammatical mistakes & typos traumatize me...
*swats swats swats swats swats swats swats all the errors*
halfdutch
May. 31st, 2005 04:50 am (UTC)
Re: *__#;;
I hope it made you laugh more than it traumatized you!
lukesaysno
May. 31st, 2005 03:19 am (UTC)
ah, the laughs we have
halfdutch
May. 31st, 2005 04:51 am (UTC)
;-D
maybedarkpink
May. 31st, 2005 03:33 am (UTC)
Can't... stop... laughing... must... breathe.

These are hysterical! *friends you*
halfdutch
May. 31st, 2005 04:51 am (UTC)
Glad you liked them - did you see kho's crack!fic of these? (posted above)

Too damn funny! (warning: will hamper your ability to breathe!)
(no subject) - halfdutch - May. 31st, 2005 04:52 am (UTC) - Expand
foxxcub
May. 31st, 2005 04:57 pm (UTC)
charming, tough and exiting."


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
halfdutch
May. 31st, 2005 05:10 pm (UTC)
;-D OMG! Did you read what kho did with these?

Criminally funny!
(no subject) - foxxcub - May. 31st, 2005 05:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - halfdutch - May. 31st, 2005 06:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - foxxcub - May. 31st, 2005 06:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
rexthehamster
Jun. 1st, 2005 04:07 am (UTC)
OMG!!! I was reading that at work and nearly died laughing. of course, I had to make some reason up as to why I was laughing coz I really shouldn't be looking at all this great stuff while I'm at work, but hey!!!!

Your comments were hilarious!!! Well done!
halfdutch
Jun. 1st, 2005 10:03 pm (UTC)
;-D Thanks. I got a really good chuckle out of them. My neighbors must think I've totally lost it.
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