Title: An Alternate Theory of Events
Pairing: Slight Tony/Thor, Tony/Bruce, Tony/Steve
Synopsis: Tony rejects Jarvis's version of who saved his life. (SPOILERS for the movie).
Word count: ~ 1000
Note: For gottalovev. Just a silly little fic!
Tony had saved the world -- and the universe, thankyouverymuch -- but it still wasn't clear just who had saved him. He'd woken to the concerned faces of three of his colleagues hovering over him. Well, two concerned faces and one giant green grimace of a face. "Please tell me no one kissed me," Tony had joked and they'd all just laughed. Which wasn't exactly a denial.
Jarvis wasn't much help.
"Yes, sir, you were technically dead for a moment or two," Jarvis informed him coolly, a few days later in what was left of Stark Tower. But Tony was having trouble believing Jarvis's version of what happened next.
"So you're saying that the Big Green Guy just shouted at me and that somehow, miraculously, jump-started my heart?"
"That is correct, sir."
"How is that even possible?" Tony eyed his computer screens warily. Perhaps Jarvis had been compromised in the assault. He wasn't sure that Loki hadn't poked that magic scepter of his into some handy slot and corrupted Jarvis somehow. Jarvis had been sounding a little more Shakespearean lately.
"Perhaps the vibrations, sir..."
"Right, because that's the technique favored by New York's finest. Forget the defib, a good loud yell is all you need when someone is flatlining."
Tony pulled up an image of the Hulk. Maybe it was some kind of Gamma ray thing. Or the Hulk's none-too-tender mid-air rescue had jostled the arc reactor, somehow. He enlarged a photo of Bruce, looking dashingly disheveled as he peered at him through his glasses. The good doctor had been busy saving lives in India until Fury had dragged him into this mess. Perhaps he'd simply performed CPR, Hulk style. Except that wasn't something you'd survive unless you were some kind of god. (And even then, just barely.)
Bruce had taken Tony up on his offer to set up shop in Stark Towers, so he was just a few floors down. But if Tony lived for the applause of the crowd, Bruce shrank from it. He was downright allergic to being thanked and a free place to stay was recompense enough. Even if he had shouted Tony back to life, he'd be quick to deny it. And maybe he didn't remember all the things the Other Guy did anyway. So that was a dead end.
Tony zeroed in on the next likely culprit, Thor. One lightning strike from the Thunder God had juiced Tony's suit up to (what was that Jarvis had said?) 400 percent power. All it would take was one tiny zap from Thor's little finger to bring someone -- probably several hundred someones -- back from the dead. Tony zoomed in on Thor's big, hammer-wielding hands. Could he have done it with just a fingertip or would he have needed his mighty hammer? Tony imagined those big, Asgardian hands touching his chest, then roaming to other parts of his body. Tony shifted in his chair, suddenly conscious of the heat spreading across his thighs. Thor didn't need electricity to get a rise out of a guy. Tony would have to conduct some research in the area. He jotted down a few notes. "Thor. Hands-on-experiment. With and without suit. Hammer: Size or how it's swung?" This was something that could take weeks to explore properly, but alas, Thor was back on Asgard doing manly, Asgardian things.
That left the good Captain. Tony pulled up an image of Steve posed in front of a flag from one of those vintage trading cards. Tony had sworn there was a slight blush to Cap's cheeks as he'd made his joke about someone kissing him. But the dough boy wasn't likely to go around kissing guys even if it was the only way to save the world. That was an interesting scenario. If Tony's life could be saved with a kiss, would the Boy Scout do the honors or would he consider that worse than Communism? Tony couldn't help noticing Cap's lips. They were very full for a man's, and in the old-time image it almost looked like he was wearing lipstick. He peered at the image. "Jarvis, I think this is my Prince Charming," he concluded. "Those lips would bring anyone back from the dead, wouldn't they?"
"If you say so, sir," Jarvis sighed. "He does bear a rather striking resemblance to an animated Disney hero."
"Exactly. And you wanted me to believe shouting was what saved me. You know I never listen to what people say, regardless of how they say it."
"Too true, sir. I don't believe the noises the Hulk makes can be classified as speech. Perhaps that is why you responded to it."
Tony rolled his eyes. "Look, Jarvis, I'm rejecting that theory of events. The evil queen was vanquished. Prince Charming kissed me, I woke up. We're going to live happily ever after."
"Whatever you say, sir. Shall I call the wedding planners?"
"No need for sarcasm, Jarvis. Just get me Prince Valiant on the phone, will you?"
"And what shall I tell him?"
"Tell him..." Tony paused, struck by the most obvious of conclusions. "Actually, he's the Sleeping Beauty here, not me. Do you think he'll buy it if I tell him it was my kiss that woke him from the ice?"
"Not likely, sir."
"True. I'll just invite him over for a night of the finest popcorn and beer and I'll wear him down with every Disney movie ever made about people being awoken from magical slumbers with love's first kiss."
Jarvis sounded more than a little exasperated. "Sir, I don't know why you simply won't believe that it was Dr. Banner who saved your life."
Tony grinned. "So I'll have him over for 'Beauty and the Beast' tomorrow night."